Front Porch Visits

Because of the events of July 28.

Acquaintances have become friends; a shared bond. 

Not one that either of us would like to have.
They know the searing loss of a child.
They have walked the broken road.

But they came. 

They visited.

They listened. 

They shared.

They brought flowers and macaroni and cheese. 

And for a tiny moment in space I felt peace. 

A shared bond will do that. There is common ground. 

Though this ground is not  pleasant.

This ground is hard and uncomfortable.
There is no way to make it easier.
And there is no way to spread out this pain.
It comes as it wishes.
It spills over into all things.
Yet in talking, there is healing, there is remembering. There is the sense that these feelings are understood.
God longs for us to be in relationship with him.
He understands and longs to heal us.
I am broken.
My heart hurts.
I find rest in the arms of the LORD.
And He is in the details.
He knew we needed this visit today.
He knew we would need the physical presence of new friends.

I can feel the change of the seasons. 
Once upon a time ago fall was the season of much joy for me.
I long to feel joy again.
I can't seem to see around that corner quite yet.
The ache too deep; the pain too raw.
The missing always present.

God you are my hiding place. . .

And I will trust in you.
I am weak.
He is making me strong, only by his grace.

Trusting, Even In The Suffering

I remember the first time I heard this song. I remember reading Mary Beth's book. I read it in the sunshine on a cruise with my mom and dad.

My mom was living with all she had while cancer stole pieces of her, bit by bit.
I remember crying and hurting for the Chapman's.
Wondering how a God could let the unimaginable happen.
Where was his protection on this sweet family.
I remember praying for them and their sweet kids.
 And that God would use them for His Glory.
And I watched as the Chapman family grieved.
I saw the beauty rise that can only come from the Grace of God. 

And when mom died on Decemeber 5, 2012. 

I clung to this song and many others.

And on the morning of July 28, 2013, when my heart stopped beating for a moment, I began to understand the pain and searing loss of a child. 

And as that pain intensifies with time, I cling and run to all I have known. 

The missing is agonizing.

It's the just beyond reach. 

How could he have been here so healthy and happy. So much future. . .
and just gone.

When we surrender our will and our desires to serve the LORD we enter into a relationship that is bound by His grace alone.
In Him we trust; regardless of a life without suffering or a life filled
with the trials of this world.
 I can't see very far into the future.
It is hard to make plans.
Seeing a future without your child, causes everything in you to recoil.
Every step is deliberate.
Each one in  grace by strength from above.

There was a frost in many areas last night. After a summer that has been less than desirable for farming this does not help matters.
Yet we again cling to what we know.
And we praise God for the beautiful sunshine yesterday.
For visits on the patio, trips to see farm equipment needed, small group,
prayer and cards in the mail.
A wise friend said yesterday that even when we can't stand. . .God's everlasting arms are under us. . . .carrying us.
Our hope is in you LORD.

Roman's 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.

It is well with my soul.
It hurts and longs for Elijah.
  But my soul is well. 

I Just Want to Shut it all Out

I just want to shut it all out. 

It's possible to just pretend He is at boot camp. 

13 weeks of limited, to no contact.

It's what was going to happen. 

I wasn't going to be cooking him dinner this week. 

His room would be empty. 

If only.

But life isn't built on if only's.

My life, since I was a child, has been built on faith.

My trust has been in the LORD.

And I will not stumble. 

Even when my world threatens to close in.

I will press on. 

We had to do some hard things today. 

Taking care of business you might say. 

I wanted to fight with everything in me. 

I didn't want to be doing this. 

Why does God call us to do hard things?

Why this road?

I really just want to shut it all out.
Yet, if I shut it all out, I will miss what God has in store.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
 perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; 
struck down, but not destroyed.

These things are true of you

Our God is unshakable and immovable.
He is also full of mercy and grace.
It is that grace I seek.
And as I seek, I desire to be more like him in all I do.  . .
even in my grief.

I went outside on the trampoline with the girls.
 It was a beautiful day.

I then went for a walk with a friend.

I would have missed these things if I had succumbed to the darkness
that was threatening me most of the day and shut it all out.

After I had said good night to the kids. I stood once again in Elijah's doorway. I long to say good night. I long to tell him to have a good sleep. To hear his rough voice.  I think about all the years hollering "Good night John boy" etc. This time I cried, I walked down the stairs into Gary's arms and we cried. And we held each other. And we agreed, we don't like this.
We do not understand it at all. This is hard to wrap our minds around.
But we will stay strong.
We will praise our father in heaven.
We will not shut it out.
Even when it feels like all is threatening to become dark.
We will cling to what we know and have built our life on.
We will be still. . .there is a healer. . .
His arms are a fortress for the weak.

You are faithful God forever. . .

He Will Set All Things Straight

The ache starts at the back of my throat,

 then travels to my stomach.

My eyes fill with tears. They spill over.

I can not stop them.
How can you be gone. . .

Each day a memory. Each day a reminder of what we have lost;

what a mother feels when her child is taken from her.

But I am not alone.

Countless other mama's have had their children taken far too soon. 

And we become strong. 

Our lives are never the same. 

I cry out to the God of the heavens.

He hears my cry. 

He knows my pain. 

And while I long for my son to return to me. . .

that is not God's will.
That is not the journey he has for us to take. 

He knows best. And he is working out His will in us. 

I will never be the same, ever. 

I could become bitter, I can feel it right there. . . 

Staying in the; why me? What did I do to deserve this? 

Why Elijah? Is not a good place to be.
He was a good kid. He had so much going for him. He valued life. He was handsome and smart. He had faith. He was strong. We need strong men in this world. 

WHY HIM?

Why do murderers and really terrible people live? 

And the good die young?

But why not him? 

Sin entered the world and all has been in upheaval since.
Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

The world is groaning for the Savior to return and set all things right.
And some day he will.
He will set all things straight.
And this ache. . .this pain, will be turned to dancing.
Until then,
I bend my knee in humble submission. . . because this road is hard. 

He knows my heart. . . He knows my need. 

Pressing Through

One hard day has been pressed through. . .

We shed hot molten tears;
unlike the ones we shed on the day he was born. 

Such a contrast.

It is twisted and hard to grasp.

Friends joined us and we ate.
A neighbor made a cake.

We had Ben and Jerry's and Oreo's; just like we do every year.
We sat out by the fire and sang Hymns and Praise songs.
I treasured the moment.

Mama's shouldn't have to bury their babies. 

Mama's shouldn't have to have their lives turned inside out. . .

Yet what guarantee is there in this life? 

God never told us it would be perfect.
He said there would be trouble.
He said when you face trials of many kinds consider it joy. . .James 1:2-4
Because we will become mature and complete not lacking anything.
He said he would walk every step of the weary way with us. . .
And this way is weary. 
I find myself clinging so desperately to the promises He gave.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

At times my only comfort.

We couldn't stay outside. 

The heaven's declared their majesty in a thunderous display with flashing light. 

And it began to rain. 

Psalm 19:1

The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

We came inside. It was time for everyone to go home. 

We sang Happy Birthday.

I couldn't. 

The words would not come. 

Instead the tears flowed freely.

And I wonder what your birthday looks like in Heaven?

With the display going on outside. . .it must be spectacular. 

We ended the evening by going before the throne of grace in prayer. 

Asking and seeking, pleading for guidance and direction through this time. 

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble

I will look on Him and I will rest in His grace.

One weary moment at a time. 

Trusting. . . 

A letter to my Son

Today would be my son's 18th birthday.

How does one celebrate a milestone when their son resides with the King of Glory?

I can't wrap my arms around this idea. 

Today he would have left for boot camp.

Crystal and many others leave today to start new chapters. 

How do we move on?

What does that look like?

Dear Elijah,
Today is your 18th birthday. We won't get to celebrate with you. We won't sing Happy Birthday. There are no presents. I won't make you an ice cream cake or a cheesecake that you loved so much.  Instead there is a gaping hole, and we are left behind. I still can't believe it. There are a thousand things we haven't done together. Our family is so incomplete without you. Clarissa has lost her confidant and friend, Cedric, his antagonist and role model, Ana, her rock, Ella, her jungle gym, Chelsea, her bickerer, Lilah, her uncle and Adam, a brother in law. Daddy and I. . . I can't even put into words what we have lost.

There are a million questions I have unanswered. 

There are unnumbered why's. . .But I have no regrets. 

You knew I loved you. 

I told you countless times.
And I know where you are.

 I am so proud of the man you have become. I know it hasn't always been easy. You're red haired temperament has always been a struggle for you; wrestling with many topics far beyond your age or wisdom. . .But you wrestled and you were honest. Your faith strong. . .Farm living has been hard and demanded many hours of your time, possibly even your life.

I loved your laughed. I loved waking you up each morning and watching you snuggle down. . .not wanting to get up. I loved knowing you were home safe in bed. I loved your sense of humor and sarcasm and lopsided grin.

 I want to yell at you for playing x box instead of doing chores, I want to close the door because your drumming is so loud. I want to be distracted 100 times by all the you tube videos you  need me to see. I want to see you run up and down the stairs for all the things you forgot. I want to see you dressed to the nines for church. I want to see you pull in the driveway with your car and park so I can't get in the garage. . .

I want you to be getting things ready for an air soft war that's happening today.

But you wouldn't have gone to the air soft war. 

You were headed off to real war. 

You were heading to boot camp today to begin your dream of being a
 United States Marine. 

We would be saying good bye today.

Instead we said Good Bye a month ago.
You're work here complete.

The pain of loss is overwhelming at times. 

All these emotions drive me to my knees and cause me to do the only thing I can,

 and that is to surrender. 

I surrender all I am to the King of Kings. 

Because I am worn. . .I hurt. . .I long for you to be here. 

What was it like when you met Jesus? 

Did you stand in His presence? Or to your knees did you fall?

 Did you dance or drum? 

No matter what; I bet it was wonderful.

And someday. . .I shall see you again.
Until then. . .
I will fix my eyes on the One that longs to heal my broken heart.
I will choose to Praise when I feel weak.
And I will celebrate your birthday with friends.
And we will remember. 

Happy Birthday 18th birthday, Elijah.

Hoorah.

You would have made a great Marine. 

And I am proud to be your mom.
I just wish I had had more time. . .
All my love,
Mom

Psalm 127:3

Children are a gift from the Lord;
    they are a reward from him.

5 weeks

It's been 5 Sundays without you.

There is not a moment that passes that I do not think of you or long to see you again.

Yet time has continued on.

School has begun. 

Life seems to have resumed it's normal course.

Yet there is nothing that feels normal for me. 

There are moments when I literally fall to my knees and cry out to God.
I cling to these verses:
Proverbs 3:5 and 6
 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding. . .

Isaiah 41:10
 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 
for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;
 I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Each morning and afternoon I pass by the accident scene. I've thought of taking a different route.
And I think why such a public place to mark your death? Such a frequented spot?
The entrance to the bank.
A reminder everyday.
Could it be a reminder everyday to be thankful?To love better?
 To remember what Christ did for us on the cross?

"How great the pain of searing loss". . .

My Father in heaven knows the pain of my loss.

 From this I gain strength. 

There is no way through this than to keep my focus heavenward. 

And today I cry out. . . the pain of this searing loss is weighing down. . .

"How deep the father's love for us. . .How vast beyond all measure."