I am experiencing every mother's worst nightmare.
My heart and soul ache.
My heart physically hurts.
The grief so overwhelming at times that I can only groan.
A dear saint in the faith sent this to me yesterday morning.
"God make me brave --
Life brings such blinding
things,
Help me to keep my sight,
Help me to see aright
That out of dark --- comes
light."
Grace
Noll Crowell
I want to be brave.
I want to lean into this journey God has us on.
I desperately want to cling to the hope of all I have known all my life.
This God that is God during the good times; is also the same God during the horrific times.
As humans it is a hard concept to grasp.
I was captivated by this woman's writing and her desire to serve God. We had many similarities; and her struggles were my everyday existence.
I would read her blog and be led right to the throne of Grace.
She began a journey to name 1,000 things she was thankful for.
She encouraged her readers to join in.
And in 2010 I began a thankful journal.
I discovered such a change in my perceptions of the life around me.
In 2012 as my mom's cancer raged through her body and pulled me from my home to care for her, my journaling ceased.
My last entry was 6/5/12:
The reminder to praise no matter what
Woman's Conference
Weekends away
Coming home
New Slate
Unexpected tenderness from the man/boy(Elijah)
Communion
make believe play
waiting
new barns
wedding preparations
God being consistent
Hope
I began my thankful journal again today:
9/16/13
*7 weeks after our man/boy has gone to be with Jesus, I begin my journey out of the fiery pit of anguish with a focus on thanksgiving:
For 17 years with our first born son
Blue eyes that melted my heart
last conversations
The song Sail
(This is the last song I listened to with Elijah
as he drove me to get my car at the hay field)
as he drove me to get my car at the hay field)
Weddings
New life beginning with Lilah
Friends who sit with us, pray, feed us, send cards, gifts, and love
family near and far
A Community that has wanted to share our burden
Prayer
Tears
Crystal
pictures
Reading my bible graveside
I don't feel thankful all the time.
I sometimes struggle with the idea that God protects us, but let my son die.
Yet, I am confident that God numbers our days
Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
And I am confident that he does protect us.
This side of eternity we can not see what he sees;
what he has protected us from.
what he has protected us from.
I will never understand all of what God does and says.
That is why there is Faith.
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for,
the conviction of things not seen
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for,
the conviction of things not seen
I want to be open to all that God will teach us through this time.
As I begin to come out of the fog and the searing pain intensifies,
I will trust and I will lean on the everlasting arms.
Because he will catch me when I am falling.
