When is too much, too much?

A friend was just diagnosed with cancer.
She has 2 teenage children.
Uncertainty looms before them.

Another friend moved away and is now
in the battle of her life with cancer.
Oh how I miss her.

Our hearts ache and long for our redheaded boy.
I watch my children cry; their hearts broken.
Mine breaks a little more watching them.
It's been 8 months since my mom died.
How I long to share with her my deep ache.

My dad is in need of intense care.
My mind swirls with thoughts and my heart feels like. . .
this is too much.
Where do you go with deep grief;
with questions that remain unanswered?

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, 
whenever you face trials of many kinds, 
 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may 
be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

We are told to consider it joy "when" we face the trials. . .not if . . .
We have been warned. 
The trials are coming.
We need to be ready.

So where do I go when I am reliving the night of my sons accident over and over. . .
when my heart breaks watching my children grieve. . . 
when a friend is diagnosed with cancer. . . 
when the floods come and fields produce unusable hay?
When uncertainty permeates. . .

John 6:35
Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. 
Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, 
and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

I head to the only safe harbor I know. . .

Hold us Together- Matt Maher

Being a Giver. . .it is Hard to Receive

The rhythm of the routine continues. There is hay down and baling to be done.

 Cows are up in milk and the management needs care and detail.

 It's the detail that makes the difference. 

It's what makes you stand out. Caring about the tiniest details brings you closer to your goal. 

Details may mean success or ruin for us. Those details seem hard. But they are ingrained in the beat of the day, so it is good.

Psalm 19:1

The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Each day brings friends. Friends with food, coffee, hugs and tears. 

Some are chatty and silly and some just sit with me in quiet. All of them giving. . .me feeling weary, wondering where this grace comes from. Generosity that flows. Details that make the difference.

The girls came running in. I could hear the pounding of their steps 

before I saw their faces. I needed to come outside they said. 

I was tired. It has been another full day of friends. 

I had just come into my room for some solace.

But there was someone here I needed see. 

You see some young girls had had a lemonade stand 

and had raised money for our family. 

And they had waited anxiously for their parents to come home from work

so they could hurry to our home and  bless us with a gift.

Extravagant Grace.

How do you receive from the youngest and most precious of these? 

Matthew 19:14 

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, 

and do not hinder them, for the kingdom 

of heaven belongs to such as these."

They came as strangers and left as family. 

God wasn't finished with the blessing for the day. 

Another friend walked into the chaos of our kitchen to lavish upon us another gift. 

We were left speechless. 
I could hold in the tears and the magnitude of our loss no longer.
We have lost a beloved son.
And yet we are not alone.

2 Corinthians 4:8
We are hard pressed on every side, 
but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;

My cup runneth over as the enormity of the grace resonated in my heart. 

The details are so important.

Because since the foundations of the earth God has managed all the details. 

He knows each piece and part. 

And this wild grace is a gift.

 This is Elijah and his good friend Thomas on a school trip for LUHS. 
The fact that Elijah is on this trip is a story I long to tell you. . .later.

Sometimes we can't understand why things happen.

My heart aches with God's details for my life right now.
But God is managing the details.
Each detail is so important.
So I take my weary and aching heart and I surrender all the details.
Psalm 63:1
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have I waited to post this song. . .It is my heart.

"This is not where I belong. . .this is NOT my home. . ."

I long for the day when God will call us home. 

Until then I will trust him with the details.

Leaning

I lean against the door frame to his room. 

His smell still lingers.

I close my eyes. How long will it last? 

Tears threaten to overflow. . .once again.

 How can one shed so many tears? Oh how the heart hurts. 

I lean into the door and breathe deep. 

I breathe in the years of parenting.

 I breathe in the school plays, homework, parent conferences. 

I breathe in long discussions and life decisions.

 I breathe in the first moment I heard his cry and held all 9.1 pounds of him. And I lean into the memories.

These memories are all I have of almost 18 years of living.
These memories I cherish. 

These are the memories of one who,  "fought the good fight, finished the race, kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7.
These are the memories of not a perfect life; of redheaded will power; of willful disobedience.
And of a life surrendered to Christ, trying to live each day for Him, through the grit and grime of this world.

As I lean into the memories, I will lean into the source of my strength. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I can not make this journey alone. The pain is too deep, the ache too raw. 

Leaning on what I know is the only way through.

I listened to Mikayla's song again.
She really is a gift. 

http://www.reverbnation.com/mikaylakelemen/song/18133285-at-your-pace

I will treasure this always.

As I take a step moment by moment today, I will continue to rest in the
the LORD.
I will continue to praise His name through this very dark storm.
And I will trust.
"Because when my world is shaken. . . .Heaven stands."

Gifts

The ride home was hard.

 Songs came on the radio that made us all think of Elijah. 

Ones mind wanders when you sit in a car for long hours. 

I dreaded walking through the door.

 I dreaded the laundry and all that needs to be done.

I dreaded Gary heading to the barn, and not being with me all the time. 

Cedric held my hand as we drove, sensing my pain, mixing with his own grief. 

But God had other plans. 

When we pulled into the driveway my roommate from college was there with her kids. 

And 3 of my girlfriends were there with dinner all made.

Walking into the house, I was greeted with a fresh bouquet of flowers from another friend and a lovely note from her daughters.

These were gifts. 

They were not ones I had asked for.

My roommate has a knack for my needs. 

The last time I saw her was at my moms wake in December.

 Her shining face warmed my heart and soul and gave me strength.  

This time she had cleaned my refrigerator;

greeted me with a hug; helped unpack the car; get dinner on the table; 

and held me as my body wracked with sobs as I showed her pictures and told stories of my boy.

She walked into Elijah's room with me.

I was expecting to do it alone. 

My home was full.

There is always room at the table for more. 

These were gifts. 

They were not ones I had asked for.

James1:17 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, 

who does not change like shifting shadows.

Yet God had another gift.

And this time he used his creation to sing out beauty that 

only He alone can create. 

The back light against the dark sky, 

with a double rainbow was so intense. 

Psalm 104:1-3 

Praise the Lord, my soul.

Lord my God, you are very great;

  you are clothed with splendor and majesty.

The LORD wraps himself in light as with a garmet;

  he stretches out the heavens like a tent

and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.

He makes the clouds his chariot

    and rides on the wings of the wind.

And though things continue to fall around me. 

"And though my heart is torn,

I will praise him in the storm"

Please continue to pray for us. 

Pray for my dad and my brothers and their families. 

Seeking the Gifts today. 

Coming Home. . .Again

I knew this would be hard. 

I didn't expect it to be easy. 

It's the coming home. . .after a loss. Things have changed. 

These were the words I wrote after we had lost our sweet puppy Pemberly. 

Oh how hard that was; 

and still is. 

We are coming home again. 

It's been good to be away.

Many generous people have worked together to make this trip happen.

Cards with money for gas.

Dinner bill already taken care of in a gift certificate held at the bar. 

Dedicated and tired hands doing chores to provide us a little respite.

But the thought of walking through that door called home to the pain. . . 

is agonizing.

Our home has always been a refuge; 

No matter how hard things have been.

  

Home has always been good. 

There is always room at our table. . .

We are a home that is built with prayer and God's word.

Now we are also a home that is grieving.

Grief that is still so raw. 

Grief that sneaks up and threatens to close in.

Grief that causes the 8 year old to tell this mommy, 

that when she has a little boy, would it be ok if she names him Elijah? 

Grief that causes hot tears to overflow when a kind gentleman 

asks if we want him to take  a picture of our whole family. 

What is whole? What does my whole family look like?

Do I explain to strangers that I am the mama of 6 kids with 2 in the grave? Step mama to one? Do we tell them Gary is the father to 9 with 4 in the grave now? 

So this coming home is going to be hard. 

And when I walk up those stairs and pass by the bedroom that 

echos with silence, the grief will be there. 

But all this I know. I know the pain and the torment. 

I also know the Power of the Blood of Christ.

I know that this pain is NOT too much for God. 

I have cried out to Him moment upon moment since my path took this turn.

And though my heart breaks and there are moments I long to scream; beg God to not make this so;

I have hope. And when the darkness threatens to overcome. . .and sometimes it does.

I find peace. 

When my mom's cancer was overwhelming her. 

She used to tell me she pictured herself crawling into God's lap. 

What a beautiful picture. 

I am not the lap crawling kind of girl.

But I am a Word seeking girl. 

And when I am overwhelmed, I turn to the only thing I know;

 and that is God's word. 

John 14: 27 

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

So, as we journey home today. We will trust.

 Proverbs 3:5-6 says,

 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and 

lean not on your own understanding. 

In all your ways acknowledge him. And He will direct your paths. 

Home

Healing

How does one heal when your son is

 tragically and suddenly torn from this world.
When he had just graduated High School and everyone is future oriented.
When everyone is taking their babies to college
and you won't see your's until Christ's return. 

What does healing look like? 

What does life look like when you have more questions than answers?

When life continues all around you and you feel like shouting,
This isn't right!

IT'S TOO MUCH!

This is part of what healing looks like. 

and this

And this too. 

Luke 5:16

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Jesus was God;

 but he was also human. And he withdrew to the quiet places to gain strength and wisdom.  

And because of some generous people, we too have withdrawn for a few days. 

I do not understand this journey we are on; 

With every fiber of my being I miss my boy and all the future that we had expected,

God is still the same God, even though my circumstances have changed. 

.

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song. . . .

 My Comforter, my all in all. 

Wandering

I wander through the house. There is much to do. 

I wipe down a counter, switch laundry. It all seems so trivial. . .

My cousin said she wanted to be able to go back and just read about what I was having for breakfast. Oh, how I echo her words!  I have hardly cooked in 2 weeks. I have hardly eaten in 2 weeks. Yet the abundance of food in this place has been tremendous. 

 I wander. 

Everywhere I turn there are reminders of Elijah. With every step on the sod of this farm, he is there. There are fence lines he set. Calves he has fed. Earth he has turned and planted. . .into now which he has returned. 

My mind wanders and plays the night of the accident over and over.

 I see every minute of his last day on this earth in my head.

 I desperately want to change one little detail. 

I cry out to God. 

He whispers in the quiet that He is here. 

That He will make a way.

 I can not see that way. 

It is too dark for me to see. 

But I know He is there.

Even when the darkness threatens to overcome.

He is there. 

 It is a lifetime of trust.

 It is years of daily surrender to the King of Kings that creates 

the way for me to cling and to know that my Redeemer lives. 

And I wander into the safety of the loving God that created
each one of us for a purpose and a reason. 

.