I am learning that life is not about what we want or desire.
That at every turn our spirit needs to be yielded to the Almighty.
Life can be unpredictable.
Our response to the events placed in our path can make or break us.
We can plan and prepare.
We live.
When our hearts are nurtured; surrendered to a life with God; life can still be harsh.
Graduation was looming.
Party preparations under way.
Months of planning.
Days of preparing.
Such fun.
New beginnings.
Graduation day dawned beautifully.
Sunshine, clear skies.
But a storm was brewing.
A fierce and unrelenting storm.
Another test of how much do we trust?
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Do we really love this God of the universe?
Do we really believe he will do what he says he will do?
We headed in to town for graduation.
Such excitement.
Hope.
We wanted everything to be perfect for the beautiful graduate.
The memories lingering everywhere we turn.
Our desire to make this, her special day.
God had other plans.
While we were celebrating the recent graduates.
While we were taking pictures and making sure no one was left out.
The youngest of the 6 didn't feel good.
A fever had been held at bay and the heat over powering.
Just enough to cause the youngest to faint and fall with a sickening thud.
Her body non responsive.
My mama's heart challenged for the second time in 22 months,
as I dropped to my knees to hold this child of mine.
A medical professional surfaced.
His skilled hands and knowledge grasping the situation.
911 called and a journey to the hospital seeming to take an eternity.
The youngest semi alert.
Weeping.
Confused.
The graduate; not leaving her sister's side.
Repeating the story over and over as EMT's assess the situation.
Our God is in the business of shaping and molding us.
His desire for us to yield to his purposes.
To trust.
Even when we don't understand.
Sometimes. . . that is hard.
This mama's heart began to loose hope.
The weight of the day.
The heaviness of the past 22 months began to undermine the faith that I have so desperately clung to.
Could I lose another child?
Do I have enough faith to endure what ever path God has for me?
I longed to be alone.
To pour my heart out to my heavenly father.
But there was nothing.
No words.
No emotion.
I watched as the doctor examined this youngest child of mine.
I watched as this precious child became sick and disoriented.
I couldn't pray.
It was almost like I was defeated.
Done.
My spirit could take no more.
Fluids given.
Medicine to calm the sickness that repeatedly over came her.
At home the party soon to begin.
Decisions made for my farmer and the graduate to head home.
My heart continued to feel the weight.
I held my youngest's hand.
I touched her soft cheek.
I felt despair creep in.
I felt my focus turn inward.
A knock at the door reveled my sweet friend and 2 of her daughters.
She held me.
She used no words.
Her stay; brief.
Yet Powerful.
Soon my youngest and I were alone.
The nurse and doctor continued to watch over.
Fluids began to bring color back to her cheeks.
Her vision began to clear.
Her confusion dissipating.
Strength returning.
Until finally we were allowed to head home.
Home to a celebration.
A place my heart did not want to go.
I wanted to be where I could nurture this wound.
A place where I could wallow in the desolation that I felt.
Abandoned by the God I love.
Alone.
Feeling like I deserved more that what has been given.
God in his infinite wisdom wasn't finished with me yet.
He wanted to show me the strength and breadth of his character.
A walk out the door to my porch reveled a surprise.
A much loved cousin and dear friend of my mom and her daughter had jumped in the car and driven miles to be here for that daughter of mine.
And an hour later a cute little toe head appeared on my porch,
A little one who also traveled hours to get here to be with us.
My brother and his wife had chosen to come for less than 24 hours
to be a part of this momentous day.
Neither one of them knowing what had transpired through the day.
I stood in shock as some of the people I loved the most gave to be here to celebrate.
Each one of them used by the God of the universe to give what I didn't deserve;
but desperately needed.
A few days have passed and we are quickly immersed in the college Orientation and anticipation.
So much for such a short time.
I can't choose what will come my way.
But I can yield to all the grace our loving father wants to lavish on us.
I can seek that which is beautiful and holy; even when all goes frighteningly out of control.
God is holding on.
Even when I don't feel it.
Even when the storms rage.
The youngest of all these is healing well.
She has been a trooper.
And I thank God for her every day.
I am learning.
Life will continue to throw me curve balls.
I will continue to surrender all that I am.
