Graduation, Ambulances and Parties. . . Oh My!

I am learning that life is not about what we want or desire. 

That at every turn our spirit needs to be yielded to the Almighty. 

Life can be unpredictable. 

Our response to the events placed in our path can make or break us. 

We can plan and prepare. 

We live. 

When our hearts are nurtured; surrendered to a life with God; life can still be harsh. 

Graduation was looming. 

Party preparations under way. 

Months of planning. 

Days of preparing. 

Such fun. 

New beginnings.

Graduation day dawned beautifully. 

Sunshine, clear skies. 

But a storm was brewing. 

A fierce and unrelenting storm.

Another test of how much do we trust?

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

 And do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.

Do we really love this God of the universe?

Do we really believe he will do what he says he will do? 

We headed in to town for graduation. 

Such excitement. 

Hope. 

We wanted everything to be perfect for the beautiful graduate. 

The memories lingering everywhere we turn. 

Our desire to make this, her special day. 

God had other plans. 

While we were celebrating the recent graduates. 

While we were taking pictures and making sure no one was left out. 

The youngest of the 6 didn't feel good. 

A fever had been held at bay and the heat over powering. 

Just enough to cause the youngest to faint and fall with a sickening thud. 

Her body non responsive. 

My mama's heart challenged for the second time in 22 months, 

as I dropped to my knees to hold this child of mine. 

A medical professional surfaced. 

His skilled hands and knowledge grasping the situation. 

911 called and a journey to the hospital seeming to take an eternity. 

The youngest semi alert. 

Weeping. 

Confused. 

The graduate; not leaving her sister's side. 

Repeating the story over and over as EMT's assess the situation. 

Our God is in the business of shaping and molding us. 

His desire for us to yield to his purposes. 

To trust. 

Even when we don't understand. 

Sometimes. . . that is hard. 

This mama's heart began to loose hope. 

The weight of the day. 

The heaviness of the past 22 months began to undermine the faith that I have so desperately clung to. 

Could I lose another child?

Do I have enough faith to endure what ever path God has for me? 

I longed to be alone. 

To pour my heart out to my heavenly father. 

But there was nothing. 

No words. 

No emotion. 

I watched as the doctor examined this youngest child of mine. 

I watched as this precious child became sick and disoriented. 

I couldn't pray. 

It was almost like I was defeated. 

Done. 

My spirit could take no more. 

 Fluids given. 

Medicine to calm the sickness that repeatedly over came her. 

At home the party soon to begin. 

Decisions made for my farmer and the graduate to head home. 

My heart continued to feel the weight. 

I held my youngest's hand. 

I touched her soft cheek. 

I felt despair creep in. 

I felt my focus turn inward. 

A knock at the door reveled my sweet friend and 2 of her daughters. 

She held me. 

She used no words. 

Her stay; brief. 

Yet Powerful. 

Soon my youngest and I were alone. 

The nurse and doctor continued to watch over. 

Fluids began to bring color back to her cheeks. 

Her vision began to clear. 

Her confusion dissipating. 

Strength returning. 

Until finally we were allowed to head home.

Home to a celebration. 

A place my heart did not want to go. 

I wanted to be where I could nurture this wound. 

A place where I could wallow in the desolation that I felt. 

Abandoned by the God I love. 

Alone. 

Feeling like I deserved more that what has been given. 

God in his infinite wisdom wasn't finished with me yet. 

He wanted to show me the strength and breadth of his character. 

A walk out the door to my porch reveled a surprise. 

A much loved cousin and dear friend of my mom and her daughter had jumped in the car and driven miles to be here for that daughter of mine. 

And an hour later a cute little toe head appeared on my porch,

A little one who also traveled hours to get here to be with us. 

My brother and his wife had chosen to come for less than 24 hours 

to be a part of this momentous day. 

Neither one of them knowing what had transpired through the day. 

I stood in shock as some of the people I loved the most gave to be here to celebrate. 

Each one of them used by the God of the universe to give what I didn't deserve; 

but desperately needed. 

A few days have passed and we are quickly immersed in the college Orientation and anticipation. 

So much for such a short time. 

I can't choose what will come my way. 

But I can yield to all the grace our loving father wants to lavish on us. 

I can seek that which is beautiful and holy; even when all goes frighteningly out of control. 

God is holding on. 

Even when I don't feel it. 

Even when the storms rage. 

The youngest of all these is healing well. 

She has been a trooper. 

And I thank God for her every day. 

I am learning. 

Life will continue to throw me curve balls. 

I will continue to surrender all that I am. 

She Loved God, She Loved Purple; She Was Our Mom

She loved purple.

She loved God. 

She and my dad fought most of their married life. 

Good old knock down drag out fights. 

Yet loved fiercely. 

They stayed true to the institution of marriage. 

Maybe that was the secret. 

Things weren't left undone. 

For better, or worse. 

Her home was immaculate. 

She and my dad built their dream log cabin in the woods. 

They had plans to travel. 

God had other plans.

She would travel; but mostly only as far as Boston and to the inside of a hospital.

Cancer would be her companion for 9 years. 

She would learn to live with this unwanted roommate. 

Her life not much altered. 

Cancer would not have the last word; 

she prayed. 

She trusted. 

Even when my dad showed signs of shacking up with the memory thief. 

She never wavered. 

She just added doctors visits and chemo to her daily tasks 
and busy social calendar. 

She persevered with a fierce resolve.

Her cancer became a blessing. 

For a season of my life I was at odds with my mom. 

Our views of the world different. 

Hers, through rose colored glasses; me through concrete realism. 

Until one day, with the help of my Mother in law, I began to see that relationship in a different light. 

A changed perspective; work. 

A relationship worth fighting for. 

And I did. 

I changed. 

God blessed. 

I had the honor and privilege of caring for my mom. 

And I miss her. 

It is two years since she journeyed home to be with Jesus. 

Two years of some of the hardest moments I've ever experienced. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. 

I am reminded of her in so many ways. 

A random purple gift bag in with the Christmas gift bags, 

A purple Christmas tree in a shop. 

A laugh; each Christmas ornament on the tree,
 given to each of the kids each year. 

A legacy. 

A reminder. 

This Christmas Season as we celebrate, I think about my mom. 

She made Christmas beautiful and holy. 

It was magical and reverent all at the same time. 

Even Santa bowed low to the Magnificence of a Savior born.

Her enthusiasm was contagious. 

She never met a stranger. 

She loved music; all kinds. 

And now she dwells with the Most High. 

Her pain all gone. 

She also resides with my boy. 

And I am sure there is great rejoicing in the heavenly realms. 

Mom, I am grateful for the years I was able to spend with you. 

I am glad God helped to make our relationship what it was. 

I am so thankful for your witness to our living God. 

Because I never would have been able to walk this road with out the rock solid faith you showed in every aspect of your life. 

Last year I wrote these words. And they resonate with my heart this day. 

Jesus is the name above all names. 

He who is called by many names:

Jehovah Jireh - my provider

Jehovah Rafa - my healer

Wonderful Counselor

Prince of Peace

It is at this name we bow. 

It is at this name that I have my strength and being. 

It is for this name we celebrate Advent.

Bowing low to wait.

Leaning in to hear and wonder at it all. 

Come Lord Jesus;
make us into a people that long to hear your name
 above the clatter of the season,
above the pain of searing grief and loss and
above any other name that distracts.

Let this great news, bring us great joy. 

Jesus Mesiah

Name above all names

Blessed Redeemer

Emmanuel

The rescue for sinners

The ransom from Heaven

Jesus Messiah

Lord of All

Chris Tomlin

Jesus Messiah

The Reminder That There Is So Much More To Come

Philippians 3:10

But our citizenship is in heaven. 

And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.

I was 16 when I heard the song by Petra,

"Not of This World"

We are envoys, we must tarry

With this message we must carry

There's so much to do before we leave

With so many more who may believe

Our mission here can never fail

And the gates of hell will not prevail

We are strangers, we are aliens

We are not of this world

Read more: Petra - Not Of This World Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

We had a singing group. 

We sang this song. 

The words penetrated my heart.

"Our mission here can never fail. 
The gates of hell will not prevail"

The lyrics played over and over in my mind. 

The seed planted.  

I longed for heaven. 

I longed to share the peace found in a life surrendered. 

My quest for more than 30 years. 

A choice to live; Separate; apart.
Digging deep through words that bring life.
Seeking joy that transcends thought.

Sharing the love of Christ. 

In all we do.

Being stewards of land provided. 

Cultivating a holy marriage, made to last. 

Raising children.

Trusting in the plentiful times and in seasons of deep want. 

It's been 15 months since I have called my boy by name. 

 Each day a longing.

A plan; not my own. 

A path that has to be walked. 

The guttural cries unearthed from deep within. 

Days have turned to months and then a year. 

Reminding myself that we are not of this world. 

There is much yet to come. 

When we hold on to hope we allow the supernatural to enter in. 

God is able to work his beautiful plan.
He holds the pain of our hearts in the palm of his hand.
I hold on to the hope given.
He gives strength to the weary.
My eyes are lifted heavenward.
My feet firmly planted.
My farmer keeps reminding me.
15 months is but a day.

The laundry is waiting.
The farmhouse is beginning to stir.

The day has begun.
I breathe deep.
This day will be about what needs to be done.
I will look for ways to share.
He will guide my steps.


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding,
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. 

Here's To Mom's

Here's to moms who've lost a child. 

Whose hearts have teetered on the edge.

Whose world stopped for just a moment in time.

When the eternal met the sweet, earthly soul. 

The mom's that have shed a thousand tears. 

While piercing pain rips through their soul. 

Mom's who get up every morning. 

Put one foot in front of the other. 

Who press through the day and create a home

A home fractured and never the same. 

The mom's that stand by their child's bed.
With wracking sobs. 

Never to caress the forehead again.
The abdomen that swelled with life.
Now silenced.

The longing that sears. 

The ache; a gaping wound. 

Here's to the mom's that have bowed their knee to the ground in
 humble submission to the Savior and King of Kings. 

The same King who now holds their precious bundle. 

Here's to the moms who shed tears in private.

Who carry the ache. 

Who listen to words of "you'll heal" and "someday it won't hurt so much". 

All spoken by well meaning friends who have no idea. 
The mom's who smile and nod and ache inside.
Whose arms are empty.
Here's to the moms who go through this life always missing.
Who need an extra hug.
Who catch their breath at the what will never be's.
Here's to those moms.

Here's to the promise that will carry those moms through.
The life giving breath from a Savior on high.
The strength that will rise.
The hope of a reunion.
Pushing through the days until we meet again.
Remembering we are held. `

Jeremiah 31:3-4
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful.

We're Wrapping All That Hurt And Sadness In Love

My brother in law gets a jump on the day. 

A Fundraiser.

A BBQ. 

There is food to cook, tents to place and list a mile long. 

We're hoping for sunshine. 

The doors to this farm will be flung open once again. 

This time we'll breathe deep. 

We'll gather together to honor Elijah's memory. 

We will remember. 

Deuteronomy 6:13-19

 Fear the Lord your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name.  Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you;  for the Lord your God, who is among you, is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you from the face of the land.  Do not put the Lord your God to the test as you did at Massah.  Be sure to keep the commands of the Lord your God and the stipulations and decrees he has given you.  Do what is right and good in the Lord’s sight, so that it may go well with you and you may go in and take over the good land the Lord promised on oath to your ancestors,  thrusting out all your enemies before you, as the Lord said.

We're going to make a difference in this world. 

With one small event we can affect change. 

We'll come together with a common purpose. 

Elijah, you are so missed. 

Today we're taking all that sadness and we're wrapping it in love. 

Reaching big. 

If you are interested in giving to the Elijah Davis Memorial Fund. 

See the information below. 

The night of the Event we will be taking donations for the Memorial Fund. Many have asked the intent of the Fund.We established the Fund to be able to bless students and families. To date we have given a donation to the band department at Mount Mansfield Union High School and also the Lacrosse Team; both areas of great love for Elijah. We were also able to award a $1,000 scholarship to a graduating Senior. Our desire is to continue to give the scholarship as the funds are available and the needs arise. We would also like to be able to give a Scholarship to the Norwich Leadership weekend and possible 2 week camp. Elijah attended the Leadership weekend. It was a wonderful experience for him. Here is the information to make a tax deductible donation.

Checks made to: Fidelity Charitable Gift Fund 

in the memo #1068455

Mail to: Fidelity Charitable

PO Box 770001

Cincinnati, OH 45277-0053

The Hope For Today Lies In the Surrender

The sun rises in its glory. 

It will be another beautiful day. 
Such a gift to farmers.
Hope.

It is 11 months today. 

11 months of not my will but thine.

A journey I do not want to travel, but must. 

This place is uncomfortable and unpredictable. 

I long to change the path. 

I will for it all to be different. 

I want to hear Elijah's voice.
I long to have my 17 year old be 18.
I wrestle fiercely in my spirit. 
We are not of this earth.
This. This is not our home.
We are on a journey to eternal life.
This path is lived with bowed knee.
In humble submission. 
A place where there is strength beyond words.
I reach for that strength.
Because I can't walk 11 months.
But God can. 
He will strengthen us.

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

I am weak and I am weary. 

I step into the strength He provides. 

I wrap my arms around the Ancient Word. 

I step onto the porch. 

The sun continues it's ascent.

The warmth hugs me like a blanket.

The hope for today lies in the surrender. 

It's not my day. 

It is the Lords and He knows what's best. 

So I lay all of my expectations at the foot of the cross. 

Youth will gather at the farm today for the end of the year, beginning of summer gathering. 

Everything has changed. 

I am changed.

It is all different. 

I trust for the way in this new walk.

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint.

One needs to embrace the change that God brings. 

Hold loosely to the things of this earth. 

They are fleeting. 

But God is never changing. 

The Lord Our God   Kristian Stanfill

The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us 
And forever we will say 
You're the Lord our God 

In the silence in the waiting

We can know you are good.

All your plans are for your glory.  . .

How Far Can Your Love Reach?

Water spews from the line. 

Like a geyser. 

A hole.

Probably the size of a pin. 

Undetectable. 

Unless water flows. 

The droplets cascading in an arc. 

Grass glistening. 

I stare at the beauty. 

I haven't traveled. 

My Old Faithful is this phenomenon on the flats.

The water line that brings nourishment to our girls. 

A necessity to make milk.

Some girls drinking close to 40 gallons a day. 

So much work. 

Yet so much beauty. 

I pull myself from the daze. 

I want to always see the beauty around. 

I don't ever want to forget.

It's graduation day. 

The ache great and deep. 

I find myself repeating, How has it been a year? 

How can he be gone?

I am still stuck on a beautiful summer day in July. 

If I close my eyes I am there and my world is still the same. 

But the daze is broken and the here and now includes, death, cancer and change. 

But the beauty reminds us of hope and a future. 

God has promised us life. 

I continue to stare for a moment. 

Mesmerized by the shimmering droplets. 

Caught in a sea of memories. 

I notice how far those droplets reach. 

Spraying high and far. 

Just a tiny, tiny hole.

Regardless of our broken hearts or the troubles in our path; 

I want to shine God's love like that geyser.

Far and wide. 

With many offshoots.

Everywhere a trickle. 

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, 

according to his power that is at work within us,

We Yield, He Works, We Rest

Do you stumble out of bed? 

Is there a longing to pull the sheets over your head and wish the day would go away? 

I do. 

The desire to sink into quiet, no schedules, sleep past 5:30, rise to greet me. 

I always feel the need to be moving. 

I have to be accomplishing something. 

Yet somehow I feel as if nothing is ever done. 

I am just treading water. 

I stare into the fog this morning wanting to roll over and just shut it all out. 

I don't want to feel, or work through the day. 

I have an early morning meeting, the kids school to do, laundry, book work, a never ending list. 

We need to be in town for a port-flush for Gary and then back out to get ready for a cello recital. 

There is hay down.

Everyone wants to head in a different direction. 

Once, I excelled at these varying schedules. 

They energized me. 

Now they drag me down. 

My soul longs for quiet; peace. 

I realize a little too late; I have stepped off that gentle walk with God. 

The walk that allows you to step quietly while all rages around you. 

No matter the schedule, the chaos, the laundry, the bills. 

The walk sweet and soft. 

So, I am re-grouping a little this morning. 

It's a busy weekend. 

A strategy change. 

I will step into that gentle walk with God. 

Where all can rage, but the center will be peace. 

He has ordered these days. 

They are beautiful. 

It is He, that does the work in us. 

We yield. 

He works. 

We rest. 

Philippians 1:6

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you 

will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

When Mother's Day Isn't About Getting What You Want

I say good night to the kids. 

The farm house is quieting down. 

I pause, in the doorway to his room, as I do each evening before I head down the stairs. 

I can't stay for long because the feeling is so overwhelming. 

I think over the day. 

Mother's Day; it was so beautiful. 

We cooked on the grill and ate outside. 

We talked and felt the warmth of the sun on our faces. 

It felt good to just enjoy the creation around us.

I turn and head down the stairs. 

The day was not what I expected. 

At some point I was told I needed to be ready to go. 

Leave?

 I didn't want to leave. I wanted to sit. 

Stay in the sun and visit. 

I didn't want to go anywhere. 

That teenage daughter spewed words at me. 

How she tries to plan things and I don't ever like it. 

I mutter something equally as distressing to the effect that I told you what I wanted for the day. 

She huffs off angry and any idea of a Hallmark Mother's Day just left the premises. 

I have a check in my heart. 

This may not be what I want to do, but my daughter has made plans. 

My farmer, who has struggled with basic decision making, has made plans ahead of time. 

 I need to be celebrating.

I need to forget my agenda and submit to the flow of the day. 

Because Mother's Day isn't about getting what you want. 

It's about being the best Mom you can be. 

At this moment that includes doing what the family has planned. 

So often God wants to take us on a road we had not planned. He wants to mold our beings. 

He wants us to go with His Agenda. 

It is so hard when we are not making the plans. 

When what is around the corner is different from what you envisioned. 

We needed to be ready to leave because we were going to the movies. 

And though I didn't want to go. 

I went. 

You know what? I loved it. 

We went to see, "Mom's Night Out".

For me it was refreshing and funny. 

Many days I feel the same way, worn and weary; about to lose my mind. 

(except the cleaning part and of course there was very little coffee. Which puzzled me.)

Critic's have bashed the movie in many ways and I find that hard to believe. 

 A movie that portrays a stay at home mom on the edge with a supportive husband is a gem. 

Maybe it hit's a nerve a little too close. 

The desire to hide in the closet. Eating undisclosed amounts of chocolate? 

Because aren't we all. .  .on edge that is? 

My life isn't perfect. 

I scream, yell, mess up, have an untidy house, feel overwhelmed and tired. 

Throw in your father succumbing to the memory thief, the death of your mom to cancer, the sudden heart wrenching death of your child, cancer and clinical depression all in a 9 month span.

And I am tired.

Seeing a movie that portrayed those emotions in a comedy was a relief from all the mundane. 

It was a relief to dodge foul language, cruel and demeaning dialogue. 

It was encouraging to be able to take my 16 and 8 year old to the same movie and it not be animated. 

While this was not what I had envisioned for the day I am glad I went.

I left feeling refreshed; light hearted from laughing. 

(laughing is good for you. Did you know that? And so is coffee.)

While nothing in my life these days is the way I envisioned it to be . 

I know there is One who has envisioned it all. 

I am not going to get it all right. 

I can't please everyone. 

But I can do the job God sent me here to do. 

I can be faithful to that purpose. 

Because what is right around the corner, may not be what I expected,

but it is no surprise to the Faithful One. 

I Thessolonians 5:23-24

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. 

May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

The Cost Of The Cross

Snow. In April. 

Poor man's fertilizer. 

The temperature has dropped 30 degrees. 

The water has traveled outside it's boundaries. 

Warm air has given way to a bitter wind. 

Reminding us that winter has not had it's final say. 

It is Holy Week. 

For some, this means nothing.

For me. 

It is everything. 
The journey Jesus took to the cross is the defining piece of my faith. 

He came into Jerusalem Hailed as King and left Jerusalem via the cross.

He took on the dirty and broken; so that we might live. 

He died to save a wretch like me; 

when He himself was sinless. 

And as we travel to the cross this week. 

I weigh the cost. 

It cost him everything that I might have life. 

He had no regard for his own being. 

He willingly laid down his life for mine. 

It was not taken. He gave. 

I do nothing to deserve it. 

It's mine. Because He said so. 

As I watch rivers skip their banks,

 and water erode a section on a road in a matter of moments;

I am reminded that things of this earth are temporal. 

This is not our home. 

Matthew 6:19-21

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. “But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, 

where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal;

 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

We're not home yet. 

This journey here is but a moment in the eyes of the Lord. 

We grieve this week for a friend. 

I am trying to sort it all out. 

We rejoice that he is home. 

He dances the streets of Gold with my son. 

He died serving. 

The cost of the cross. 

Doing what He felt God called Him to do. 

My heart knows this. 

But when that calling was for you the guilt thief struts in.

Bold and brass.

He died to help a wretch like me.

We will pay our last respects and celebrate his home going. 

Tucked right in the middle of Palm Sunday and Maundy Thursday. 

There is deep spiritual significance there. 

I will wrestle with this joy in the midst of grief. 

We are a people who grieve with hope; no matter how heavy the load becomes. 

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong. 

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong.