When The Missing Rises Up To Meet Me

The missing rises up to meet me. 

I drive past the site. The forever slams my soul hard.

I try to work through the pain. 

Shaking my head, I continue to drive.

My heart cries out to God. I beg for him to lift the hurt.
I want to hear Elijah's voice and cook him a meal. 

I am tired of his bed being empty. 

Never to return. 

I'm tired of hurting and aching; of longing. 

I say his name over and over. 

Elijah, Elijah, Elijah.

There is something soothing about saying his name. 

We chose his name. 

A prayer. 

A nudging from God. 

Call him, Elijah. 

I remember it clearly. 

Standing in the doorway to the barn. 

Heavy with child. 

The heat of the day upon us. 

Chore time. 

Lactating cows. 

Pulsation of the milking machines audible. 

Elijah. Call him Elijah. 

It's the only time I've ever been so sure of something in my life. 

A few months ago when my farmer was so sick from his treatments, I stayed home from church. 

I wanted to go. But couldn't. 

I was riddled with racking sobs. 

The missing, like today; rising to meet me. 

I glanced at a video. Service men surprising their families. 

The reunion.

Oh, the sweet reunion. 

The hugs and the warmth of knowing their loved ones are home. 

The tears start to fall. I will never welcome Elijah home. 

There is no sweet reunion this side of heaven. 

And my heart breaks. 

I cried out to the God of the universe. Why does it have to be this way?

Why does there have to be pain this side of eternity?

I let the sobs come. 

Relief that chemo was over and there was 1 more day of radiation. 

Pain over a desire to hug my son. To hear his step on the stair. 

All the million little things you know about your kids. 

And the future. The hope that we have in our children. 

Yet, I was reminded my journey is still here. With more children to raise. 

With a hope that God is building here. 

While my pain may never go away, the work for me to do is still here. 

I ran to God's word as my heart ached. 

I opened to Jeremiah. I didn't want to read that. 

I closed the bible and begged God to show himself to me. 

Please be my comfort. 

I opened the bible again, randomly and my eyes fell to an underlined passage.
The first word I saw were Elijah.
2 Kings 1:10
I read the passage.
Call it coincidence. I consider it a gift.
A gift I remember today when the missing is great. 
Elijah. The prophet. The Lord is my God.
Elijah taken up in a whirlwind in his death.
The similarities not missed.
We are a chosen people.
To lose sight of that is a weary journey.
To embrace the cross, that is the choice.
No matter where God may lead.
Each step through the pain and the plan.
Surrendering. 
A journey not easy.
Trusting each moment.
Resting fully in the hope and assurance of the things to come.
We are not alone.
God will make a way.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."