Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I Said Yes, When Every Ounce Of Me Wanted To Shout, "No!"

I choke back the real answer I want to give. 
I hold my emotions in reserve. 
Every ounce of me wants to shout, "No!"
She wants to go to the drive in with her friends. 
She needs money. 
Another night spins in my head. 
I didn't want him to go. 
I asked him not to go. 
I give her the money. 
I make popcorn and put it in a bag. 
I want her to be small again. 
I want to bathe them all and read stories while they all fight for a space on my lap. 
I want to pray and hear their gratefulness for the day. 
And then I want to tuck them into bed. 
Kiss them good night. 
Lean into the door frame and silently pray a blessing over them.
Deep gratitude for being a mom. 
That was then. 
This is now. 
And now rips at my heart. 
The now forces my hand. 
I can not cave to fear. 

I John 4: 18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
 For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

The enemy seeks to devour. 
I will not fall. 
I will stand on the truth I know.
I thank God for my daughter.
I need to let her go. 
She needs to see the strength in me; not the fear. 

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
 I will fear no evil, for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

She needs to see that when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:10
For when I am weak, then I am strong.

She is well aware of my angst. She texts and calls. 
I pray. 
She's been very understanding. 
But she still went. 
She stood her ground in a gentle and firm way. 
We made it through. 
I am exhausted from being up so late. 
Yet I am encouraged. 
She is much like her dad. 
Each moment a choice. A decision. 
A walk into peace. 
A peace that is above all earthly expectations. 

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. 
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Thank you God for the lessons you teach us. For the ways you force our hand to conform more to your likeness each day. Thank you for your gentle and loving spirit that carries us through. 
Thank you for loving us enough to change us. 


  1. This is beautiful. This is parenting. This is hard. God bless you.

    1. It is a beautiful journey. It is hard. Blessings to you as well.