Can You Stop And Turn? Do You Have What It Takes?

It's the 28th. 

 Sunday. 

14 months.

Months, days, weeks, moments of missing. 

Days of seeking who God is; who am I in Him. 

I wake again today to the fight to get up. 

My soul is heavy. 

I cry out to Jesus. 

I just want to burrow in. 

Sleep some more. 

My heart;

Needs to change

There was a double sleep over last night. 

Church to attend, a rehearsal for a performance. 

And it leaves me with tears pooling and a heart constricting. 

There is no milk.

The keys to the van are missing. 

The other car is not working right. 

I need to make breakfast.

We have places to be. 

And all I want to do is be quiet. 

Run. Hide. 

I had planned a fun day to be away from the farm. 

To be together with family and friends. 

It seems to be unraveling. 

And my response is tense and harsh. 

The hot, churning within. 

These are the moments when we need to seek the holy. 

Not when we're all dressed and looking pretty. 

Now; in the dirt and grim; in the hot and churning. 

With tears pooling and words spewing. 

It is in these moments when we remove our gaze from the circumstances. 

We're so entrenched in the war we can not see the victory beyond. 

Even in the turmoil and grit, we can seek the holy. 

It's when we should seek. 

A walk with Christ is not when you're perfect and without sin; when all is going well. 

It's for the sinners and the downcast. 

For the lost and seeking. 

The broken and hurting. 

We are a people in need. 

When I was a little girl I loved to read. 

I would easily get lost in a book. 

I wouldn't hear my mother's call. 

The world around me faded. 

The characters; real.

The adventures; mine

In my closet I created a space with a pillow and a blanket. 

A flashlight. A journal and a pen (just in case I needed to write)

There I would sit for hours reading by flashlight. 

Undisturbed.

Content. 

Today I long for that quiet space; with pillows all around. 

The safety and holy.

The world is tipped on edge for me. 

And if I am not careful I will tip too. 

The chaos will not go away. 

Life begats life. 

And there is still much life. 

I turn to meet this attack boldly. 

I will face the chaos head on. 

I will look the pain in the eye. 

These circumstances will not change. 

But my response can. 

This is the work it takes. 

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

We need to consciously turn toward what God has for us. 

Websters definition ~

  turn-to cause (something or a side of something) to face an opposite or different direction

Psalm 119:57-64

I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes. 

I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands. 

Make an about face today. 

Take the time to turn. 

The breathtaking landscape around us is turning. 

It is shedding the old for the new; hope in Spring. 

We too can shed all that holds us. 

All that brings us down. 

Repent. 

Lay it all at the foot of the cross. 

And turn toward new life, new hope. 

In Christ. 

The struggle will end. 

It may not be this side of eternity. 

But we can meet the holy here. 

We can be filled and strengthened for the work that still needs to be done. 

We just need to turn. 

10th Avenue North. 

 Worn

I Said Yes, When Every Ounce Of Me Wanted To Shout, "No!"

I choke back the real answer I want to give. 

I hold my emotions in reserve. 

Every ounce of me wants to shout, "No!"

She wants to go to the drive in with her friends. 

She needs money. 

Another night spins in my head. 

I didn't want him to go. 

I asked him not to go. 

I give her the money. 

I make popcorn and put it in a bag. 

I want her to be small again. 

I want to bathe them all and read stories while they all fight for a space on my lap. 

I want to pray and hear their gratefulness for the day. 

And then I want to tuck them into bed. 

Kiss them good night. 

Lean into the door frame and silently pray a blessing over them.
Deep gratitude for being a mom. 

That was then. 

This is now. 

And now rips at my heart. 

The now forces my hand. 

I can not cave to fear. 

I John 4: 18

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

 For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

The enemy seeks to devour. 

I will not fall. 

I will stand on the truth I know.

I thank God for my daughter.

I need to let her go. 

She needs to see the strength in me; not the fear. 

Psalm 23:4

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

 I will fear no evil, for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

She needs to see that when I am weak, then I am strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:10

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

She is well aware of my angst. She texts and calls. 

I pray. 

She's been very understanding. 

But she still went. 

She stood her ground in a gentle and firm way. 

We made it through. 

I am exhausted from being up so late. 

Yet I am encouraged. 

She is much like her dad. 

Each moment a choice. A decision. 

Confident. 

A walk into peace. 

A peace that is above all earthly expectations. 

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Thank you God for the lessons you teach us. For the ways you force our hand to conform more to your likeness each day. Thank you for your gentle and loving spirit that carries us through. 

Thank you for loving us enough to change us. 

Two Roads Diverged, And I Had No Choice

The Road Not Taken

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I did not choose this road. 

It was made for me. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

It is the less traveled of the roads. 

It is the road lined with searing loss.

But it is the road chosen for me.

The road we were meant to walk.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

The road though, is lined with loving support; 

 sprinkled with restful grace along the way. 

The uphill climb wears on the body,

 but the soul is nourished and never left alone.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

We don't know how to thank this wonderful community for not forgetting.For Reaching out and holding us close. We don't know how to walk this road. We don't know where it will turn or become impassable. But the grace bestowed on us, helps us press forward. 

Our eyes cry endless tears. Our hearts hurt from the agony of loss. I miss him. Dreadfully. And my soul wants to cry it's so unfair. Yet each time the burden feels too much, we receive a call, a card. a loving touch. We lean into what we know. And even though we are on the "Road Less Travelled". There has been endless beauty, extravagant grace, and abounding love.  

Whatever is in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah.