Stepping Forward; It's Been 2 years

I want to stand in front of the pole 

And will it to not be. 

As if being there at the time of the accident could stop it from happening. 

I stare at the pole. 

Someone has so lovingly mowed this area and planted flowers. 

The knowledge that someone else remembers fills my aching soul.

It is now 2 years since our boy walked this earth. 

2 years of walking a path that is rough and ragged. 

This time has been filled with life - full, and moving on. 

Some days the moving on is so deeply painful. 
It takes all I am to step forward. 
But that is what we need to do. 
Step Forward. 
Each foot placed firmly down. 
Placed on the rock that is solid and strong. 
Unshakable. 
Step Forward, for the work still left to do. 
We are a people deeply loved by a loving God. 
So loved in fact that He gave all. 
Yesterday I spoke with another who longs for her child. 
Another taken too soon. 
And we spoke of the blessings we shared. 
The gifts God has given. 
That night. 
The final moments I would ever see him. 
I said Good Bye. 
I held him. 
I gazed into his eyes. 

I have no regrets. 

40 days before he delivered this. 

A gift. 

While we continue to wrestle with deep grief, we still need to step forward. 
Forward into grace. 
Ready to see a need. 
Counting our blessings. 
Standing on Truth. 
I keep coming back to, what I know. 
I know that I am loved. 
I know that I have been redeemed. 
I know where Elijah is. 
I know he is at the feet of Jesus. 
The ache and the pain will never go away. 
I long for my boy every day of my life. 
That, will never change. 

There are still moments when the grief is so over powering, 
I can barely breathe. 
Yet through it all I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with me.  

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I am stepping forward into God's goodness.
Open to His leading. 
Trusting in His wisdom and grace. 
My soul is at peace. 
Only because of the grace given. 

Elijah. 
I miss you with all my heart. 
We all do. 
Your plans were to serve. 
To serve this country. 
You could have gone to college and been so successful. 
Yet you chose to serve. 
You never had that chance. 
But your servants heart remains a testimony. 

May we all step forward. 
Trusting in the path placed before us. 
Resting in God's unfailing love. 
Laying down those heavy burdens. 
Knowing that there is a plan bigger than us. 

I still marvel each day as I get into the nicest vehicle I have ever driven.
I gaze at the accident site that looks beautiful and to me, has become holy ground. 
I wonder at the love poured out in so many ways. 
Winter; warmth. 
I step each day onto a porch that is solid and beautiful; 
beyond anything we could have done. 

Tangible reminders that we are loved. 
Help to Step Forward.

Reminders that we really do have :

10,000 Reasons to Sing
Matt Redman

1

Can You Be Jesus To Someone Today? Day #4 of Thankfulness

She knocks on my door.

A former colleague and friend. 

One I haven't seen in a while. 

She stands there at the door. 

We hug for a long time. 

She who encouraged and loved on me those years of teaching and being with child. 

Cards when our dreams and hopes were dashed with a miscarriage. 

Rejoicing when we found that grace had visited us and I swelled with new life. 

A baby shower for Elijah. 

This woman. 

Kind, soft and gentle. 

Here, at my door. 

Bringing comfort on a day that was hard. 

She brought a card and a gift. 
She brought her presence. 

My heart ached with gratitude for the time she would take to come and visit. 

To be present. 

God is in the details of our lives.
He will never leave us nor forsake us. 
He provides in ways we could not imagine.
This front door visit was the human touch I needed. 
The encouragement to keep pressing on. 

~30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
Front door visits
Remembering
The rich life I have had and the people I have met along the way
the ways in which God is in the details
My farmer and farmer junior returning home
the beautiful sunshine and a crisp fall day
clean, air dried sheets
Chicken and Biscuit dinner
homemade apple pie
The right to vote and the work it took for those women to gain us that right
The work God does in our hearts when we are grateful
little girls who still like to snuggle
read aloud's and good literature
sets being painted and a play being created in our basement
God reaching down and saving my weary soul
a community that continues to let us know we are loved
the work of a caring man to raise the flags off the ground at the pole where Elijah met Jesus
the ways God ministers to my aching heart
rich, hot steaming cups of coffee
The Ancient Word and the wisdom and  comfort it brings

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.


Please join me in days of Gratitude. 
Leave me a comment or share your journey. 
Be Jesus to someone today. 
Stop in and say hi. 
Bring some flowers. 
Send a card. 
You never know how you will strengthen someone this day. 

Jason Gray
With Every Act of Love

As heaven touches earth
Ohh oooh You bring the kingdom come
With every act of love
Jesus help us carry you
Alive in us your light shines through
With every act of love we bring the kingdom come
God put a million million doors in the world for love to walk through
 and one of those doors is you

When The Dark Is Illuminated

They've taken the floor off the porch. 

Bare. 

Exposed beams and 26 years of darkness. 

Rags, pans, leaves all brought to light. 

Accumulated through the years. 

Like our sins. 

Hidden where no one can see.

Private. 

Yet choking. 

Holding you in bondage. 

While you wallow in the dark.

It isn't until the exposure that the cleaning; the healing, can begin. 

The light transcends the darkness .

It shatters what was. 

There is relief when the dark is illuminated. 

Hiding takes work. 

Much to conceal.

In the revealing is the grace. 

The area is cleaned and closed in again. 

The boards placed are beautiful. 

The old taken away so the new can come in. 

Our old life is gone. 

It will never be the same. 

It shouldn't be. 

We are being renewed.

Transformed each day into the likeness of Christ. 

2 Corinthians 3:18

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, 

are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, 

which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

All In The Same Moment

This time last year we had been in Maine. 

We came home. 

It was so quiet. 

 No white tornado puppy to great us. 

I had been thinking about our home going and what it would be like. 

How quickly my son would experience that journey. 

Each step of every day draws me closer to the anniversary of the day. 

We attended a Birthday for a sweet One year old. 

We sang Happy Birthday and she opened her presents. 

On the TV ran photos of my children when they were little. 

Pictures of Elijah. 

His blue eyes sparkling. 

The kids so little. 

How quickly it all went. 

It seems like yesterday, my kids were the ones celebrating their first birthdays. 

Now I am about to recognize the first Anniversary of my sons death. 

It's wrong. 

So very wrong. 

I feel like I have been in a bubble this past year. 

Between the deaths and the cancer something has been askew. 

There has been one constant that has been right. 

Each moment held by grace. 

Wrapped in love. 

Feet planted firmly. 

My go to place.

The solid rock.

Psalm 18:31

For who is God besides the LORD?

 And who is the Rock except our God?

My faith in Jesus Christ. 

If you have children. 

Slow down. 

Love more. 

Laugh at inappropriate times. 

Take yourself a little less seriously. 

Talk about God. 

A lot. 

Teach your children to pray. 

To love; with every act. 

To be respectful. 

Go to church. 

Live in a Community that knows your name.
And even if they don't, they will still love on you. 

Find ways to be creative. 

Say I love you. 

All the time. 

Even when you don't feel like it. 

Trust God. 

Breathe deeply. 

Always kiss them good bye when they leave. 

Always.

Hold tight; yet let them spread their wings and fly. 

All in the same moment. 

Betrayal And Thanks, In The Same Sentence

The house is so quiet.

Our new family have settled in their home. 

The past week and a half has been non stop crazy with 12 people under the same roof. 

But it was community. 

Learning to live with another. 

Sharing chores. 

Helping. 

Bearing one another's load. 

A practice long abandoned in the name of independence. 

Families drifting apart. 

Help seen as hindrance; dependence. 

I enjoyed the help. 
The common desire to serve our families.
Pooling resources.
Dinner cooked.
More time.
Laundry switched.
I think if they had stayed longer we would have worked a nice system.
Dependence; leading to Independace.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;
 he will never let the righteous be shaken.

We are the strongest when we are the weakest. 
When we feel weak. Look up. Give thanks.

Max Lucado says in his book, "You'll Get Through This",
Gratitude always leaves us looking at God and away from dread. 
Gratitude gets us through the hard stuff. 
I Corinthians 11:23-24 " On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took a loaf of bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it."  Not often do you see the words betrayed and thanks in the same sentence, much less in the same heart. In the midst of the of the darkest night of the human soul, Jesus found a way to give thanks.

Our dependence on God, leads to our complete independance in Christ.
In our hurt and pain, let us find a way to give thanks.

I am Thankful for:

Days of sunshine and warmth
Cool breezes
Books
Coffee
Days spent with my family
Grace as we learn to live with a new family structure
Hope
Encouraging cards in the mail
Clean sheets
Front porch prayers
Visits from friends
Birthdays and celebrations
Our Nations birthday
The Freedom to gather and worship
Moments of sustained Mercy; deep and holy
Being held when I feel like I am falling
Strength for the moment
Living fully to fully live

Is There Ever The Right Time?

I brush the dirt away. 

Dirt from the farm of his years. 

Splattered on the stone from rain, while it sat on the patio. 

While we waited for the right time. 

Is there ever the right time? 

Is there ever the desire to place a stone at your son's grave? 

There isn't. 

This stone. 

Another gift given by the community. 

Etched in love by a teammate apprenticing with a Master. 

A teammate that knows the loss of a brother. 

Another life taken so soon. 

The analogy is not missed. 

We are here on this earth; apprenticing with the Master. 

We each have work to complete. 

Lives to change. 

Impacts to be made. 

The Ancient Word our guide.

Prayer our compass. 

Stepping forward in faith; our work. 

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, 

giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Each day given to bring forth His kingdom. 

Being molded and shaped. 

The command given. 

Go.

Whatever you do. 

Go. . .and make disciples of all nations. . . 

God didn't mention when you have time. 

If it's the right time. 

Go. 

Wherever you are.

Even if it's hard. 

And we did. 

We placed the stone. 

A marker. 

A memorial to our son. 

To the memory. 

To his short life here. 

A life guided by the Almighty's Hand.

We prayed that his life here will continue to impact those around us. 

I still don't like it. 

This plan is uncomfortable and abrasive. 

So we will press on through. 

We will look up, look forward. 

We will, Go; wherever we are, and make disciples. 

Living out our faith. 

Walking the Talk. 

Sharing the love of Jesus. 

A life changed. 

Hope. 

Go.

Living Fully

Another perfect summer day. 

The wind blows. 

The sun is shining.

No humidity.
Shows and a wedding.

These are days that the living flows.

Days that take little effort. 

The ease with which to work. 

It's easy to find hope on these days. 

Yet my heart still holds back.  

 Each day healing. 

Each moment filled with grace. 

But just under the surface the pain and the missing reside. 

Forever changed; yet today needing to be lived through.

Psalm 118:24
This is the day the LORD has made. 
We will rejoice and be glad in it.


Gratitude changes the heart.
The rhythm of one's step united with God's Holy purposes.


Grateful For:

A full weekend of dance, family, weddings and pictures.
Remembering
4 days of sunshine and warmth
Hay for winter's wrath
Blue skies and fluffy clouds
Lessons learned in the midst of pain
Deep joy given by our heavenly father
The assurance of the things to come
Community
Friendships and dance directors
Visions and dreams being fulfilled on stage
Cool evenings
A messy house that has been so full this weekend
Coffee. Coffee beans. Ground coffee. Coffee.
A heart that is held

When You Have More Questions Than Answers

My son is on the field playing. 

It is his first game.

It is my younger son. Now a High Schooler. 

I have sat in these bleachers for 4 years watching. 

The memories are overwhelming. 

These are new days. A new team. 

A friend joins me. 

Her sons gone to college. Mine to heaven. 

She sits with us. 

To remember. 

To help me through this day. 

While I sit in the sun; missing Elijah. 

Cheering Cedric. 

I receive a text.

It is a text I don't want to read. 

You see last Fall, we were blessed. 

A man with a desire to serve. 

A heart full of love. 

He came and he gave. 

He hugged us.

He breathed life into us. 

He organized. 

He made sure we had wood. 

He was relentless in his commitment and urgency filled with grace.

His energy contagious.

His hugs and words uplifting.

A gleam in his eyes reflecting the joy of the risen Lord.

We did not have to worry all winter. There was plenty. 

Before there was cancer. 

Before we knew the depth of the cold that would not let go.

Wood was not a worry. 

When the effects of chemo and radiation raged; 

there was only the task of filling the boilers. 

No endless trips to the woods.

There was grace. A gift.

 Heaven blessed.

We were warm. 

On the coldest of days. 

Gratitude poured from my heart with each passing day. 

All throughout the winter.

Gratitiude. Each day. 

Such a gift. 

One man's passion. 

One man's gift. 

How a community serves. 

As Winter gives way to Spring;

He is at it again. 

The passion intense. 

A focus, a desire to meet a need. To help relieve my farmers load.

To help restore his joy.

But the text tells me a different story. 

This man with the passion.  

This man with a heart of gold. 

Has now entered heaven's gates.

His residence with the King of Kings. 

And just for a moment. 

Again. 

My world stops turning.  

I am shocked.

And I struggle. 

Why God? 

I have so many questions.

Guilt slides in like the slithery snake it is.

My heart weighs heavy. 

A heart that is already fragile. 

This encouraging, Godly man.

Who loved coffee. Who loved his family so dearly.

Reaching out to serve. 

Called home. 

In the blink of an eye. 

None of this caught God off guard. 

None of this.

Psalm 139:16

Your eyes saw my unformed body; 

all the days ordained for me were written in your 

book before one of them came to be.

There is joy in the home going. 

We rejoice in Elijah's place with our Savior.

We rejoice over Carl's presence in Glory. 

But oh, how our hearts ache. 

How the questions fill my being. 

Thank you Carl, for your gift. 

Thank you for an undying commitment to that which you believed and loved. 

I am sure, that as God ushered you through those gates.

You my friend, heard those precious words. 

"Well done, good and faithful servant."

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, 

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

 And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

We Don't Like To Be Uncomfortable. . . But Sometimes Uncomfortable Is Where We Need To Be

They sit in the corner and gather dust. 

Memories on hold. 

The beat stuck for all time. 

I don't know what to do with them. 

Mostly I stand and stare.
While another piece of my heart breaks away.

I remember.

I try to hear the sounds and feel the rhythms to no avail. 

They are silenced. 
It's a new rhythm now.
Set in a key and time change I am not comfortable with.
There are too many accidentals and I stumble over the melody line.
The timbre harsh and abrasive.
Some new friends come to visit. Members of the club no one asks for.
Further along the grieving journey.
Yet, always grieving.
Just not stuck.
The common theme allowing free conversation.
I feel peaceful.
I know Jesus desires us to rest in who He is.
I know He holds our hurt closely.
By being in community with those around us we are spurred to peace.
When we bottle up our pain or hurt, it will seep out somehow.
I didn't talk about the drums.

We shared other pieces of the journey.
We talked through depression and issues where some relief may be given.
Nothing was solved. Nothing was changed. 
Yet, my spirit is lighter this morning.
We need each other. 
God calls us to be in community.
And sometimes that doesn't feel good.
We need to do hard things.
We need to go places that are uncomfortable.

Your neighbor next door may need your help; just as much as the child in Africa.
Do you know? 
Do you know your neighbors?
It takes one small act to reach out.
One batch of cookies. One offer of help when the snow or ice pile high.

I can't change the silent drums.
I can't change the beat.
But I can create a new rhythm.

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.


The melodic structure may be rough at times,
 but with practice;we all can.
Each day. 
It doesn't take much to reach out; and be Jesus to someone.

With every act of love. . . we bring the Kingdom come.
As heaven touches earth. 

Be the door for someone today.

All Clutter Is Not Equal

My brother and his wife are coming for a visit. Now I have known they were coming. 

But it's not until the last minute that I decide to clean and make a plan. 

We are celebrating Christmas. 

I still haven't wrapped the presents. 

It's almost March. 

 I have wrapped some; but the rest still lie buried under piles of stuff in my room. 

What makes us all so different? 

How do some have such ordered and clean homes? 

Everything is fixed and nice and neat. 

Everything in its place. 

( My college room mate Carol, would continually encourage me with those words)

This is not a new issue for me. 

It's years of trying to decide where is that place supposed to be? 

I can cook for 50 people without batting an eyelash. 

I love people stopping over spontaneously for a visit. 

But I can't get the laundry done or keep the piles from accumulating. 

I have done FLY lady, keep it simple, declutter your home in however many days. 

I have hired someone to clean my house hoping the gift of them coming would help with the clutter. 

But it doesn't. 

The clutter continues and consumes; if I let it. 

Sometimes I think we let too much clutter our minds.  I become obsessed with getting the house clean. 

Honestly, I become a raving lunatic. 

I harp on the kids to pick up and vacuum and the rant list goes on and on. 

(you can ask my kids, they will not hold back. They love to talk about me)

Now maybe I should have done that before. 

But what were the options? 

What would have been the sacrifice choice for the cleaner house? 

 Would I  have them  miss playing outside in the snow with their friends? 

Should they give up their barn chores? 

Would I give up the last few conversations with Elijah because the vacuum cleaner was more important? 

 We sat and read an extra chapter in our read aloud book; should cleaning have been a better choice? 

These are things I ponder. 

I know I can do things better. 

There is always a better way. 

But at what cost?

The clutter in my house should not reflect clutter in my heart. 

And you know what? It doesn't. 

My heart is at peace. 

My soul aches and is desperately needy. 

But there is room for the Holy Spirit to be there. 

I am open to God's leading. 

I breathe in His presence in my life. 

There is not an absence of pain or heartache. 

There is not an absence of trouble. 

But there is peace. There is hope. 

Psalm 62:5

 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

There is room for God to step into the chaos and create order. 

This is also a season. 

How I long for my house to be clean and ordered. I long for rooms without clutter.

So while it's not perfect; there it is. 

What I long for more though; is a farmhouse with it's doors flung wide open. 

It's not perfect. But it's real. 

We're finding our way in the imperfection to seek Jesus here. 

In the grit and grime. In the middle of the laundry piles and other pressing needs. 

Come visit.

 Step over the clutter, find the way to the table. 

There will be hot coffee.

 I am sure a baked good, because people have not left our side on this journey. 

And there will always be time. 

Time to stop and sit at the farm house table, where we will meet with Jesus and the clutter won't matter. 

Where what's on our hearts will be laid bare before the Father and we will seek his guidance. 

Where we will sit with God's word open and search for truth and direction and how to love as He first loved us. 

Isn't that what we want? 

Isn't that how it should be? 

I didn't say I was giving up Pinterest, or the desire for a cleaner house.

I will just keep plugging away, while keeping the clutter out of my heart as the first priority. 

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

How Climbing That Hill Is Always Better With Others

I went for a walk yesterday. 

It started out with my walking buddy. 

But God was writing my "To Do" list.

So we gained two other people.
It was glorious to be outside.
The sun was shining, the air crisp; yet invigorating.
(Not the, "I want to run back in the house feeling")
I haven't walked since the fall.

It's been too cold and icy.
And dark.
My walking partner and I are not hardy like that.
We are fair weather walkers.
Enough said in a state where the sun rarely shines.
And it's dark. 
But we walk today.
We get to the bottom of the hill and I am done.
I get ready to turn around.
Last fall I had worked my way up to walking part way up that hill.
It was a goal and we attained it.
Now though, I hadn't walked in 2 months.
I was done.
But my sister in law said no, let's go.
(this, after we had helped her with her groceries too!)
She taunted me.
Really.
She did.
And I went.
Up that hill. 
And I complained the whole way.
I think I even called her a name or two.
And said something about liking my other walking partner better.
It was getting ugly.
And then.
We made it.
We turned around.
I complained the whole way down.
Really. I did.
But you know what. I made it up that hill. I didn't think I could do it.
I didn't have what it takes to make it. But there were 3 others around me who thought I could.
And we did it.
And I feel fine today.
What hill do you need to climb? What hill can you help someone else climb?
Sometimes the hills are mountains and we can't make it alone. 
I have learned that the mountains in front of us are daunting unless the
body of Christ gathers round.
We all have mountains in front of us.
Have someone go the distance with you.
Invite someone into your circle to share. 
We shouldn't travel alone. 
Read the manual.
God's word will never fail. 
Be prepared.
We never know what life will bring to us. 
A well worn path will lead when it is too dark to see. 

I am looking forward to the view at the top of this mountain climb I am on.
I long to see clearly, what I can only see dimly now.

I Corinthians 13:12
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. 
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

I want to finish this race well. 

I want each day to count for good. 

I long for each breath that I take to reflect the grace that God so freely pours out.

It can't be done alone.

And I can't do it myself. 

Only God can.

I am coming to the River and laying my burden down. 

How Do You Really Get Warm?

I wake. 

The fog not so thick anymore.

It is cold.

Gary leaves at 3 and I miss his warmth. 

I quickly step out of the bedroom. 

It is warm.

So very warm. 

I am struck by the grace it took for me to be warm. 

The community that came alongside. 

Matthew 25:40

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these 

brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me

The equipment, time and effort.

A gift I am so thankful for. 

And this shed is overflowing now. 

And so is the one at the barn.

And I am warm. 

I am thankful. 

I am thankful for the farmer that fills that boiler with wood; morning and night. 

I am thankful for a brother in law, that keeps our house warm while we run to Maine to see new life. 

I am thankful for the redhead that used to fill that boiler. 

I loved the woodsy smell he would have when he came in. 

Or the grin, when the heat from the boiler had singed his eyebrows and front of his hair. 

So much like his father. 

We would not have been able to get up any wood this year. 

Between the floods, still haying, doctors appointments, pending surgery and new life. 

There would not have been time. 

This morning when I walked out of the bedroom; 

I would still have been cold. 

Warmth. 

It is a privilege. 

One I do not take lightly. 

I know the magnitude of the gift we have been given. 

I thank God for this earthly display of love and grace. 

Thank you God for this beautiful community where we know we are held. 

For pumpkins and mums at the pole where he met Jesus.

For mums at the graveside. 

For the basic necessity of heat. 

I am grateful. 

And I am warm.

Not only because of the heat, but because God fills that aching spot. 

He gathers us and He holds us when everything else is falling apart around us.

He is the quiet center. 

The calm in the midst of the raging storm.

 "And to know that the promise was, when everything fell, we'd be held."

I Thessalonians 5:18

give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.