Friendship

She sent me this when the raw, clawed away at my soul. 
When the fog was thick and the missing of my son crippled my daily intake of breathing. 
She was my rock. 
Always there. 
Encouraging. 
Leading me to the cross. 
She made music where there was chaos.
And now it's been a year since she has danced on the streets of gold. 
And I miss her. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Say In A Whisper, I'll See You Soon, 

Because It's Not Really Good Bye

February 8, 2015

See you soon I say as I walk out the room. 
Tears stream down my face. 

I stifle the sobs that want to come. 
The ache so heavy. 

Another I love, so dearly, departing this life. 

Powerless to stop. 

Cancer rearing it's ugly head. 

This beautiful family. 

Servants of our Lord and Savior. 

So much living still to come. 

All, she will never see.

Grand babies growing. 

The youngest son unmarried. 

I receive the text that heaven opened it's doors to this beautiful soul. 

Her residence now eternal. 

I think on all the times together. 
Bibles studies. 

Antiquing and lunches. 

Music and books. 

Laughter. 

Always laughter. 
Her laugh was like the twinkling of a million fairies. 

Her blue eyes sparkling. 

So encouraging. 

Always positive. 
A silver lining somewhere. 
Poise and grace. 
Coffee and tea. 
A vacation cut short to return to play the organ at the funeral 

for my father in laws sudden departure from this world. 

Such talent. 

The ivory keys brought forth sounds and style only she could coax. 

To watch her conduct, was art in itself. 
Beautiful music.

Walks and talks with another friend solving life's problems. 

Room makeovers. 

Discussions in the glow of the firelight as life marched on. 

And now her race is finished. 

The battle won. 

The words, 
well done my good and faithful servant,
resounding through out the heavens. 

She is released from the constraints of this world. 

Her glorious talent added to the Heavenly choir. 

And I am sure my boy greeted her with open arms. 

What a sweet reunion there must have been with all her loved ones. 

And aren't we all waiting for the reunion? 

Romans 8:18-22

 Consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.

The whole of creation waits in anticipation for Jesus' return. 

It is not the dead that grieve. 

They rejoice. 

It it those left behind that the grieving is for. 

So my sweet friend. 

I do not grieve for you. 

You are free of pain. 

You are home. 

We will all grieve, for us. 

For our aching hearts. 

For your dear husband and beautiful, beautiful family. 

For the immense loss here on this earth. 

For all the missing. 

So, I say again, in a whisper,  I will see you soon dear one. 

2 Peter 3:8

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: 

With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.

Stepping into the Hope Promised, When All I Really Want to do is Throw a Tantrum

"May we cherish a grateful and cheerful disposition, not murmuring and repining if our wishes are not indulged, or because some sorrows are blended with our enjoyments,  But, sensible of our desert, and impressed with the number and greatness of thy benefits, may we bless and praise thee at all times."

My friend sends me this quote. 

I am so grateful for her. 

A book of Puritan prayers. 

The apostle Paul says it this way,

Phillipians 4:12

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Being content in all circumstances. 

I am a great offender of this concept.

Highly verbal in nature, I spew. 

Really. 

Venomous at times. 

A way to work through thoughts and concepts. 

Reactive. 

Almost like a tantrum; at my age. 

Guilty. 

 "May we cherish a grateful and cheerful disposition, not murmuring and repining  if our wishes are not indulged. . ."

This act is work for me. 

My default to "repine if my wishes are not indulged."

The sinful heart.

Strong in nature. 

When we step out of ourselves; contrary to what the world teaches; 

 we are able to aspire to attain this trait. 

As land is cultivated to produce a crop. 

So is our heart in desperate need of cultivation. 

As the walk without my son continues. 

My journey presses on with much work to do. 

Soul work is hard. 

Living in truth; imperative. 

Each day a gift. 

My friends, yield to the Father. 

To the One who created you. 

Walk a journey of gratitude. 

Giving praise for the rough spots. 

Giving praise for the good. 

God will take that soul and mold it into something beautiful. 

One more sleep until the college girl heads back. 

My soul feels edgy and tight. 

The tension of excitement for her and missing; battling in my spirit. 

I kick my default of grumbling out. 

I rest in praise. 

The hope for this college girl. 

The way in which she will help to shape this world. 

Her future is held in the hands of the One who called her by Name. 

He is working His purpose and will in her life. 

It will be better than anything I could think or imagine,

because it is His doing. 

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; 

do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness 

and streams in the wasteland.

I surrender the emotion and sadness. 

I step into the hope promised. 

I work at  "cherishing a grateful and cheerful disposition"

Great is Thy Faithfulness Day #9 of Thankfulness

A few months ago I lost something that was dear to me.

 It was just a material possession so, I let it go. 

I've lost so much more. 

Then tonight as I put on a jacket and reached in the pocket.

My lost item had been found. 

A sweet sensation spilled over my being. 

An unexpected surprise. 

In gratitude I shared my find. 

Sometimes we are lost. 

Looking and searching for that which we can not find. 

This year has been full of continuing changes. 

My dad getting new digs in a nursing home, Clarissa graduating and leaving for college, our church in transition as we seek a new pastor, a new niece, our farm family suddenly returning to CA, our nephew unexpectedly meeting Jesus. 

So much change. 

Some good, some heart wrenching. 

Always seeking. 

As I reached into my pocket and grasped that lost, dear item;

my heart leaped. 

This is how we are in Christ. 

He reaches down to those deep places. 

He holds on with a firm grip. 

Tightly. 

As the storms rage. 

He never loses his grip. 

We may flail. 

We may try to loosen the grip. 

He remains steadfast. 

~30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:

The vote to call David Coons as our pastor

a message reminding us about the truth of what God believes about us

dinner with friends

an afternoon surprise coffee visit

the hard parts of parenting (ok not really but I'm trying)

being a in body of Christ committed to prayer, committed to making a difference in this world

the hope found in Christ

wrestling through the hard times- I may not like them, at all- but God is doing a new thing

texts from the oldest 2 daughters 

the technology to face time

the up coming trip to Haiti

prayer

friends who take the littlest-who is not feeling well- home from church so I can stay and listen to the message

a friend who write an hysterical monologue on facebook about granny panties- and I laugh until I cry

Lamentations 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Through the Ages Day #7 of Thankfulness

It's my friends birthday today. 

One I see about twice a year. 

Lately one of those times each year has been a wake or funeral. 

She came to our wedding. 

She came to Elijah's funeral. 

I have known her since I was three. 

There were three of us. 

Always together. 

She is so faithful in writing and sending cards. 

My dad nick named her when we were little. 

He loved her curls and quiet ways. 

So different from his little girl.

We used to play every day as kids. 

We celebrated birthdays each year. 

She tagged along on our family holiday sing alongs. 

Gathered with us for family reunions. 

Our lives interwoven in the strongest of tapestries.

She had a little hide away nook under the stairs in her cellar. 

(that's what we called them. . . cellars)

Oh how fun it was. 

Sleeping over at her house was a treat. 

She had 3 older sisters- who I adored and admired. 

(still do)

I had none. 

We slept on the pull out couch and watched cartoons all morning!

This was not allowed at our house. 

We were up early. 

Cleaning; working. 

Preparation I know now for the life I would come to live. 

When we were 16, her wonderful daddy journeyed to meet Jesus. 

He had that C word that folks rarely talked about. 

Her mom already having battled the C word, only to have it return later in life.

Those days were hard as her family continued on. 

Learning to live with out this precious man. 

Yet they honored and remembered his memory. 

A witness of strength and close knit family. 

She faithfully stood by me as my mom battled the C word. 

Coming to visit.

Meeting for coffee. 

Letting me cry. 

She never flinched. 

She held my hand. 

And let the tears flow with me. 

I am celebrating this sweet childhood friend today. 

Even though I won't see her. 

Her quiet ways. 

Her beautiful smile that reaches her eyes. 

Happy Birthday my friend. 

Thank you for showing me and teaching me about friendship. 

~ 30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:

Friendships that last through decades

my mom who taught me the value of friendship

memories of laughter and fun

a childhood that still makes me smile

the imaginations we had as kids; oh how we played

endless summer nights playing kick the can, chase. . . and others

winter vacations that would last a life time;

 sledding at the hill, skating on Jones' pond

living in a neighborhood that spanned the generations

marrying into a family where the generations lived close by

friends who keep in touch and make the effort

the gift of technology so keeping in touch is easier

the Art of letter writing and card sending;

 I still thrill at the sight of a letter from my friend

the friends who have walked the joyous and mundane parts of my life

the friends that have also held me through the darkest times in my life-

they are the heartbeat of life

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.

The Surprise In A Friendship; When You Were Expecting To Be Alone

Her rich, deep voice is directed towards us. 

Her eyes sparkling. 

I answer her question. 

She exudes joy with a touch of mischief. 

We exchange pleasantries. 

As in all conversations there comes a defining moment. 

She shares that she lost 3 of her siblings in a matter of months. 

My heart lurches with the known pain of losing so many in a matter of months. 

I hug her. 

And a friendship is born. 

Decades apart in age. 

Unity in the Spirit. 

In the morning session she comes running down to greet us. 

As I should have known a link to my mom would be there. 

My mom knew everyone. 

Or knew someone related to someone. 

And here this dear woman's niece dug deep with my mom in bible study. 

Cried out to God in prayer together. 

A link. 

Encouragement in the Body of Christ. 

I listen as this woman tells bits and piece of her story. 

Gary and I; intrigued. 

At 78 she has more energy than the both of us put together. 

She is witty and bright. 

And I want to be just like her when I grow up. 

I want the love of Christ to define who I am and shine in all I do. 

I want to have experienced all that I can. 

She regales us with story after story. 

And I know that this is a gift. 

A treasure. 

God has come along side of me in human form. 

He has sent a companion to laugh with and learn from. 

I marvel at the goodness of God. 

This week has been good. 

A week of unexpected alone time. 

Rich in peace and quiet. 

Overflowing with solid study and teaching. 

Each day is a gift. 

Even when they are hard. 

There is much to learn. 

And. . . He's Off

He's heading off to college this morning. 

Elijah's friend. 

Ditching Marines for the Army. 

On an ROTC scholarship. 

So stinking proud of him. 

There is a dance of fine emotion in my being. 

A reminder of how much I miss my son. 

Yet, a glimpse into the goodness of God. 

I will pray for this young man and wait with great expectation to see where God will lead him. 

I will miss his "stop ins."

Though they have become less frequent. 

I will continue to pray for the young people heading back to school. 

They have been such a blessing to me. 

Time is moving on.

I can not hold the tide. 

I will embrace the journey. 

Rest in the strength of the Lord. 

I am looking forward to the stories and visits that will come. 

There is still a lot of living to do. 

There are many who need to hear the message. 

A Savior died for them.

Grace given freely. 

A solid rock on which to stand. 

As new journeys begin, may we have eyes to see the goodness of God. 

May love flow from us as we be the hands and feet of Jesus. 

Genesis 31:49

May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.

His Chains Are Gone. . .. He's Been Set Free

His chains are gone. He's been set free. 

All he knows is peace and more peace. 

It is we, who are left behind that need the prayers. 

We walk the hard road. 

We have walked the year to a different beat. 

Longing for a familiar cadence. 

Not to be. 

Walking the road of grief; blindsided by cancer. 

Uplifted by grace of a community. 

Reminders continually of the strength we need to persevere. 

The unthinkable has happened. 

It has been a year of firsts. 

A year with out my mom a year with out my son. 

A year with cancer. 

I can't imagine a future without Elijah. 

So I will take one day at a time. 

We will continue to embrace with gratitude, each moment. 

We will revel in the small things. 

We will share the message of hope with all who will listen. 

My journey is not over. 

Though days I long for it to be. 

I will seek the work still needed to be done. 

Will you make a difference in this world? 

Will a corner be different because you cared? 

If maybe for a moment you stopped;

turned, and gave. 

What a difference we could make. 

It doesn't take a lot. 

It takes a little of us all working together to make a lot of difference. 

We can change the world by offering one nice comment. 

Extending grace. 

One act of kindness a day. 

Elijah's life ended abruptly. 

The course of events changed forever. 

My hopes and dreams shattered. 

My soul weary from grief. 

Through it all one thing has remained. 

We knew where he was going. 

We have a sweet assurance. 

The journey to the cross difficult and riddled with pain. 

But it is the way. 

There is hope.

There is solid ground. 

I will praise my Savior; each and every moment. 

Psalm 43:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, 

my Savior and my God.

As we sat in the waiting room before the funeral. 

We sang Amazing Grace. 

I missed my mom. 

I longed for my boy. 

Thank you all for walking this journey with our family. 

For loving our children. 

For being the hands and feet of Jesus. 

This song has ministered to my heart this year along with many others. 

I have been set free. 

My sinful soul is covered by His amazing grace. 

May you all know that grace. 

That unconditional love. 

How Do You Make The Glorious Summer Days Last?

How do you make the glorious summer days last?

Seeking to embrace the quiet. 

Loving the cool breeze and sunshine. 

Yet the urgent supersedes.

Never ending. 

Constant motion. 

Be still.
I want to slow the pace.

I want to breathe it all in; not miss anything.
It is hot. 
We sit in the river; my sister in law and I.
The first time all summer. 
I close my eyes; I feel the warmth of the sun.
I want to hold on to this time.
Remember the warmth when the winter cold settles.
I feel the cool water flowing beneath me.
Aren't all the days fleeting?

Psalm 39:4
"Show me, LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; 
let me know how fleeting my life is.

Embracing each moment.
The good; the heart wrenching.
Letting God order the path.
We head to the house.

None of us quite ready to give up the glorious day.
We sit by a bonfire.

I give thanks for our friends. 

For this moment in time.
The future is still too hard to imagine.
I will linger in the moments.

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

We Can Only Change the Future

She posts this picture.
It's her Anniversary.

The tears just flow.
I can't recall ever seeing this picture.
This dear friend left for adventures and excitement out of New England soon after her wedding. 

Oh how life was back then.
24 years ago.

It wasn't perfect. 

But there is an ache.
For the way things used to be. 
For my son. 

For my mom and dad. 

For my friend; the miles that separate us. 

I was so honored to be her maid of honor. 

How I adored her. 

She was beautiful; her spirit soft and gentle. 

Kind.

She wasn't rough around the edges like I am. 

She was like my cousin. 

Both women I admire greatly.
To see this picture reminds me of all our hopes and dreams back then.
She, now living in Alaska, raising 7 children and homeschooling.
Living with 2 children with Cystic Fibrosis.
Clinging to God's promises.
The oldest a testimony to, medical technology,  healthy eating, self care and grace.
Not taking a moment of this life for granted.
She journals here at Northerncffamily.
24 years is a long time.
So much has happened.
I sometimes long to go back with the knowledge I have now.
There are many things I would do differently.
But then I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't had those experiences..
I can only change the future. 
I want to love more.
Use softer words.
Appreciate better.
Extend mercy.
Share the amazing grace found in Jesus Christ.
I won't get it right all of the time.
But I can try. 
Not for me; but for God.
Because He is all we need.
One act of kindness.
One gentle word.
That's all it takes.
One moment at a time.

Micah 6:8
He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,[a]
    and to walk humbly with your God?

Pushing Regret Out The Door

It was Prom. 

Such a beautiful evening. 

Sunshine.

Excitement. 

Anticipation. 

Beauty. 

Each moment a gift to be treasured. 

Because you never know when they may be gone. 

I ask for one thing. 

A family picture; from Prom. 

I have none from the boy. 

A regret. 

A request I make. 

And this is what I get. 

I love it. 

Always room for a giggle. 

Somehow there is always a space though. 

I don't know how it works.

In the center. 

A hole. 

A hole in my heart that burns. 

Yet a hole that was filled last night by the joy seen. 

A reminder of life.

Friends.

Life long friends. 

Youth. 

Treasured friendships. 

Gods gift to us.

Hold them close. 

No regrets

John 15:12-15

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

Throwing it back to my High School days. When I chose God over everything else. 

In turbulent times, He reached out and touched my life. 

Set me on a solid rock with a firm foundation. 

And I have never turned back.

He has filled me with joy. . . even when the unspeakable happens. 

I am forever grateful. 

He knew the storms that would come my way. 

He knew I would need Him. 

He knew my friends would be needed to hold me through these days.  

I cherish all my friendships, whether they been for 40 years or 40 days.

The gift of friendship. 
What a thing.

We Don't Like To Be Uncomfortable. . . But Sometimes Uncomfortable Is Where We Need To Be

They sit in the corner and gather dust. 

Memories on hold. 

The beat stuck for all time. 

I don't know what to do with them. 

Mostly I stand and stare.
While another piece of my heart breaks away.

I remember.

I try to hear the sounds and feel the rhythms to no avail. 

They are silenced. 
It's a new rhythm now.
Set in a key and time change I am not comfortable with.
There are too many accidentals and I stumble over the melody line.
The timbre harsh and abrasive.
Some new friends come to visit. Members of the club no one asks for.
Further along the grieving journey.
Yet, always grieving.
Just not stuck.
The common theme allowing free conversation.
I feel peaceful.
I know Jesus desires us to rest in who He is.
I know He holds our hurt closely.
By being in community with those around us we are spurred to peace.
When we bottle up our pain or hurt, it will seep out somehow.
I didn't talk about the drums.

We shared other pieces of the journey.
We talked through depression and issues where some relief may be given.
Nothing was solved. Nothing was changed. 
Yet, my spirit is lighter this morning.
We need each other. 
God calls us to be in community.
And sometimes that doesn't feel good.
We need to do hard things.
We need to go places that are uncomfortable.

Your neighbor next door may need your help; just as much as the child in Africa.
Do you know? 
Do you know your neighbors?
It takes one small act to reach out.
One batch of cookies. One offer of help when the snow or ice pile high.

I can't change the silent drums.
I can't change the beat.
But I can create a new rhythm.

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.


The melodic structure may be rough at times,
 but with practice;we all can.
Each day. 
It doesn't take much to reach out; and be Jesus to someone.

With every act of love. . . we bring the Kingdom come.
As heaven touches earth. 

Be the door for someone today.