And. . . They're Off!

It's the coldest night we've had so far.

There was much on the farm to be done. 

Much to do before they could go. 

To a people in need. 

There is winterizing the well. 

Because cows can not live with out water. 

There are instructions and lists to be made. 

Nieces and High School students willing to help. 

To rise before dawn in the bitter cold. 

To serve. 

And to think my farmer is letting it all go. 

He is willing to push aside the anxiety. 

The fear of something going wrong. 

To go. 

To head to a people made in the image of God. 

The same as you and me. 

Yet so needy. 

A people who live and breathe and have their being. 

He is going again. 

He's taking a whole team this time. 

Because when you're moved deep in the soul you can't shake the desire. 

You've got to go. 

So he is.

 So is she. 

They're taking the farm boy. 

And there, in the land of Haiti, they will give of themselves. 

They will leave behind death and the cancer. 

They will leave behind classes and bills. 

The stresses of this life. 

To go. 

To give. 

To learn. 

To share. 

Will you join me in praying?

Seeking wisdom from the God of the Universe. 

The one who called all these people into being. 

The One who knows the plan. 

The One who asks us to go. 

Isaiah 40:31

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

An Act of Obedience

It's been a while 

I wake to the heavy, raw feeling. 

My constant companion for so long. 

The weight pressing in. 

I haven't slept well. 

A needy dog. 

I feel tired. 

Worn. 

These days. 

Are the hardest. 

The pushing through. 

Imperative. 

Yet the strength it takes. 

The work. 

I close my eyes. 

I trust. 

I cry out to the LORD. 

It is only by his grace. 

It is by his power, that we move. 

His journey to the cross. 

My journey to glory. 

I will myself to begin the day. 

I lay all of my thoughts and emotions at the feet of Jesus. 

2 Corinthians 10:5

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

This is an act of obedience. 

A battle of the wills. 

I can not do this on my own. 

The missing is great these days. 

The Halloween's past. 

Walking past his room. . . day after day. 

Hopes and dreams dashed. 

So much is changing. 

It's so easy to sit and despair. 

But I will not succumb. 

I head to the Ancient Word. 

I sit in the stillness of the morning. 

This day belongs to the Creator of the Universe. 

I long to be his hands and feet. 

I rest in the quiet;

listening for His voice. 

I don't want to do the work of this world on my own. 

I want to know and be known. 

It is only in his quiet presence that the stillness of my heart can be heard. 

Left to it's own, my spirit races and dances with anxiety. 

The heaviness descends and threatens to choke.

It is in His strength that I step. 

In His grace that I bow my knee and lift my hands in sweet surrender. 

We don't have to walk this journey alone. 

We have One who intercede's on our behalf. 

What a gift. 

It is this that guides my thoughts. 

I breathe deeply the freedom in Christ. 

No matter how heavy this world becomes, 

there is One who longs to carry my burden. 

Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

 and I will give you rest.

The sun peeks over the mountain, casting pink and cloudy rays of light. 

A new day is dawning. 

I will walk in the hope and strength given. 

My eyes are wide open. 

My spirit weak; but willing. 

With each breath I take I will seek to do the Father's will.

Psalm 31:4

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Casting Crowns

Just be Held

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you'll find Me

And where you are, I'll hold your heart

I'll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

Fragmented to Repurposed

It's broken. 

This beautiful mug. 

It came in a package. 

From Germany. 

With love. 

A college room mate. 

A friend. 

Packed a box full of love. 

It made me laugh and cry. 

A hug from so far away. 

But one mug was broken. 

And it made me sad. 

Until. . . 

I held the fragments in my hands. 

Fragments. 

Fragmented. 

The way I feel. 

Most of the time. 

In pieces. 

Broken. 

Useless. 

Worthless. 

Spent. 

Fragmented. 

The pieces sat on the farm house table. 

Moved from one place to another. 

Until. . . 

Our friend Harold was sitting at the table. 

The engineer in him needed to put the puzzle together. 

He needed to solve the problem. 

Fix it. 

He glued each of those pieces back. 

Painstakingly tedious. 

Restored. 
Useful.
With a different purpose.
By a master. 

And there it was. 

The broken cup. 

So beautiful. 

Genuine. 

The pieces placed together again. 

The broken places visible. 

Imperfect. 

Not able to hold that hot, steamy liquid I so love. 

As I turned the mug over in my hands. 

It struck me. 

Repurpose.

Changing. 

Even the fragments from a broken mug can have a purpose. 

It's use; forever changed. 

Yet, still. 

A purpose. 
Some still unknown. 
A reminder. 
God takes the broken. 

He repurposes. 

He restores. 
Oh how he loves us. 
He will take this broken vessel.
He will take all this hurt and ache. 
He will use it for His glory. 
To bring Honor and glory to His name. 

I will never be the same. 
I am broken. 
I am tired. 
I am weary. 
Our God though. . . 

Psalm 121:4
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

He watches over all. 

It's been 27 months, 
on a journey I did not initiate. 
I trip I never planned.
A path I do not like. 
A way I must travel. 

With each breath I have left,
with each step I take. 
I will sing praise. 
I will keep my eyes turned heavenward. 

Psalm 121:1
 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

What Do You Do When The Soul Ache Is Deep?

Sometimes there are just no words.

When the searing pain creeps in. 

The ache unbearable. 

The silent screams wanting a voice for all this to not be. 

It's Advent. 

A Season of Preparation. 

And today breathing seems hard. 

And we're told when there are no words. 

When the soul ache is so deep; we would have a comforter. 

Romans 8:26

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

This comforter intercedes for us when the living is too hard. 

When the soul ache reaches deep. 

I hold on to Hope. 

I cling to the Rock that is higher than. 

God hears my cries. 

He knows my searing pain and shattered heart. 

He will fill me.

He alone will restore my joy. 

In Him alone will I rest. 

I am packing to go see my dad and brothers. 

My dad is much altered since I have seen him last. 

The memory thief  relentless in its pursuit. 

As cancer sought my mom, so the memory thief pursues my dad. 

Yet, I am reminded in the Ancient Word that each of these events passed through the Father's hand before they came to be. 

And if I claim to trust the One who allows these to happen, then I must trust the process. 

Our eyes need to be focused further ahead than the present circumstances. 

We are on but a journey in this world. 

What is to come is the greater gift. 

As the Holy Spirit fills the crevices and cracks of my weary soul, I am at peace. 

The silent screams softened to praises for my King. 

Hebrews 13:15

Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise--

the fruit of lips that openly profess his name.

The ache turned to uplifted eyes to the hills from which my strength comes. 

I breathe deep the heady scent of pine. 

The lights shimmer reflecting sparkling hues off the orbs surrounding them.

The Christmas Tree. 

A symbol of life. 

Life given on a cross for me for you. 

Our fragile hearts held, when we can bear it no longer. 

Praises offered to the King that came as a babe, for us. 

2 Corinthians 5:21

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, 

so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

May your precious shattered heart become whole today,

 as the One who called you into being,

 fills the broken pieces with his immeasurable love. 

Chris Tomlin

Jesus Messiah

His Chains Are Gone. . .. He's Been Set Free

His chains are gone. He's been set free. 

All he knows is peace and more peace. 

It is we, who are left behind that need the prayers. 

We walk the hard road. 

We have walked the year to a different beat. 

Longing for a familiar cadence. 

Not to be. 

Walking the road of grief; blindsided by cancer. 

Uplifted by grace of a community. 

Reminders continually of the strength we need to persevere. 

The unthinkable has happened. 

It has been a year of firsts. 

A year with out my mom a year with out my son. 

A year with cancer. 

I can't imagine a future without Elijah. 

So I will take one day at a time. 

We will continue to embrace with gratitude, each moment. 

We will revel in the small things. 

We will share the message of hope with all who will listen. 

My journey is not over. 

Though days I long for it to be. 

I will seek the work still needed to be done. 

Will you make a difference in this world? 

Will a corner be different because you cared? 

If maybe for a moment you stopped;

turned, and gave. 

What a difference we could make. 

It doesn't take a lot. 

It takes a little of us all working together to make a lot of difference. 

We can change the world by offering one nice comment. 

Extending grace. 

One act of kindness a day. 

Elijah's life ended abruptly. 

The course of events changed forever. 

My hopes and dreams shattered. 

My soul weary from grief. 

Through it all one thing has remained. 

We knew where he was going. 

We have a sweet assurance. 

The journey to the cross difficult and riddled with pain. 

But it is the way. 

There is hope.

There is solid ground. 

I will praise my Savior; each and every moment. 

Psalm 43:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, 

my Savior and my God.

As we sat in the waiting room before the funeral. 

We sang Amazing Grace. 

I missed my mom. 

I longed for my boy. 

Thank you all for walking this journey with our family. 

For loving our children. 

For being the hands and feet of Jesus. 

This song has ministered to my heart this year along with many others. 

I have been set free. 

My sinful soul is covered by His amazing grace. 

May you all know that grace. 

That unconditional love. 

10 Months Of A Road I Never Thought I Could Walk

The days move along. 

Time has no respect for the heart. 

Maybe it was designed that way. 

The beat steady. 

Unwavering. 

10 months of a cadence that is unfamiliar. 

A longing each day for what can not be. 

 Reaching deep for strength. 

The earth a glow with spring color. 

Matchless in it's wonder. 

A palette stretched with colors unimaginable. 

The magnitude of loss so great; it mars the beauty. 

So I work. 

I step to see. 

Breathe. 

Listen. 

10 months. 

I remember when you were 10 months. 

Ready to walk. 

Red hair; thick. 

But it's your hands I remember most. 

I would sit night after night and hold them. 

Memorize them. 

I wonder if my spirit knew. . . 

They were big and chubby at that time. 

And I would dream of all you would become. 

Would your hands be gentle like your daddy's?

Full of love and years of work. 

Would they make music?

Nights of wondering. 

Now the nights have ended. 

The wondering over. 

You are in the presence of the Holy and Mighty. 

Your music sweet and hands that have touched the glory of the Most High. 

Each day dawns. 

Time pressing onward. 

Reminders all around. 

Seeking the only solace that will comfort. 

Won't you step out today?

No matter the heartache, joy or situation.

Gaze at the wonder around. 

Step into praise. 

Psalm 100

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!

Serve the Lord with gladness!

Come into his presence with singing!

Know that the Lord, he is God!

It is he who made us, and we are his;[a]

 we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

    and his courts with praise!

    Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the Lord is good;

    his steadfast love endures forever,

    and his faithfulness to all generations.