Monday, October 28, 2013

3 Months of Not My Will, But Thine

It's been 3 months. 
3 months of not my will but thine

The seasons have turned.

Time . . .has marched on.
"We will mark time now with the date. 
Not a day of the week. 
Though Saturday evenings into the wee hours of Sunday
will forever be etched in my soul."

I do not like this journey any better after 3 months. 
It does not feel comfortable. 
It is abrasive and unsettling.

Isiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I long to make sense.

I fight against the normal.
I long to shed this skin of this trial. 
I want things to change.
I long to go back 3 months. . . and a day. 

I still can't believe it.
 Most of that time I have been in a fog.
Life moving on, while I am suspended in some sort of in between. 
I miss my son
I miss his lopsided smile.

I long to hear his voice.
I long to yell at him for playing x-box when he should be studying.
I long to be making plans to see him graduate from boot camp.
I yearn for that which I can not have.

I long to feel peace in life I once had.

There was a future.

Hopes and dreams.

But this rawness.
It leads me ever closer to God.
I want to be faithful.
But it is hard.
How do you resign yourself to a God, that allowed your son to die?
How do you praise and seek his will, when his will takes your son?
I want to scream.
It is NOT fair.
And it is hard.

Yet, He is a good God.
He is good because of who He is, not because of what He does.
This earth.
This is NOT our home.
This is NOT where we belong.

And Elijah is home.
While I do not like it;
while my heart yearns for things to be different.
It's not.
This is my path.
This IS the road God has chosen for me to walk.
And as I stay close to Him.
As I lean into His will, He reminds me to be:

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the Lord your God goes with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

He is Faithful God Forever.
And it is on that solid rock I will stand. 
Even when I don't feel like it. 
Even when 3 months feels like forever. 


  1. (((hugs))) and prayers for you and all other grieving parents. Such a dark road sometimes, even though we are walking in the light, it is difficult to see sometimes. Much love.

    1. Thank you. It is a dark road. It is lit with grace along the way. But so hard. . .Thank you for your support.