Monday, October 14, 2013

He is There And I Am Not

Sometimes the echo of the quiet is so overwhelming
How does your soul
reconcile that your child is gone?

Church is always so hard. 
Today we sang this song. 

I don't know when I will be able to worship without tears streaming down my face. 
We will dance on the streets that are Golden. . .
My son is dancing. . .on streets that are Golden. 

He is there. 
And I am not. 
This is hard and not right. 

I am learning to live moment by moment. 
More than that; is too much.
I have grace for the moment. That's all.
And as I sing these words today, someone rubs my back.
She is one who knows the pain of loss.
Her husband called home to the LORD before they reach 20 years of marriage. 
It makes my heart hurt.

So what is the remedy for these hurting hearts?
What do you do with terrible loss?

During the sermon today on Psalm 1, Ben said that, we yield fruit in it's season. 
That means we don't yield the fruit when it's not time. 
God equips us with what we need for the season. 
And though he is there, and I am not.
God will give us what we need for this season, so that we can bear fruit. 

And though things are far from, "ok",
There are shimmers each day of reminders that we are not alone.
A beautiful card delivered to the door, with comforting words and amazing grace;
Just to know they care.

An invitation to lunch after church. 
Fresh donuts and milk on the counter when we return. 
Little pieces to give strength. 
Pressing on one moment at a time.

No one wants to walk this journey
But this is the path on which God is leading. 
I will continue to lean into His Word, to lean into each moment.

And as we do, we know there is a chorus of those out there lifting us up. . .
And a God who is holding us in the palm of His hand. 

I will continue to Count my 1,000 Gifts:
Hugs from moms who hurt with me
phone conversations where we try to make sense of this and come to the conclusion that we won't; and that's ok
Cards at the back door filled with love
Being fed spiritually at church
And fed physically after church
Visits with friends who live too far away
Our girls playing together and laughing
Messages on the machine that just say we love you
Warm, sunny days of Fall
Extravagant colors
Teens playing loud music
Knowing that He will never leave us nor forsake us
Claiming the ancient promises

Psalm 138:10
even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.

1 comment:

  1. Keep counting those gifts...and add to the list YOUR gift for expressing yourself so beautifully in this blog -- you are blessing to so many!
    Our love and prayers continue!