Maybe We Will Survive

The reality of our son not being here for the rest of our  lives,
 is weighing heavy on my heart.
The missing is overpowering at times.

It takes my breath away. I feel as if my heart will break. 

And really, it has; 

into a million pieces. . .

The pieces are being replaced day by day. Prayer by prayer. 

But it will never be the same.

Deuteronomy 7:9

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations,

The equipment on this farm is decades old.
It is the farming way.
It frustrated the boys.
Farming can be rewarding. . .yet hard.
My farmer can fix almost anything;
make it run, squeeze more life out of it. . .
until it squeezes life out of him, I begin to wonder.
And that is where my mind has gone over the past few days.
I have lost a son.
Will I also lose my best friend and husband?
The chances are. . .at some point I may.
So, I push for a new piece of equipment.
2 actually.

I head to the field to see how this works.
We have a new rake.

I rode with Gary for awhile. 

The color rich in hue.

The sun warm.

But I still can't feel. 

I long to know the joy such a day would bring.
God displays his majesty in the richness of his creation.
And my heart just hurts.
I still let the sun poor over me.
 I give thanks for what I have. 

I give thanks for this day and the hay we were able to get in.
And I know He is healing us.
I know He is right there.

The field is so clean.
3 rows are raked together, cutting time down raking, as well as baling.
Efficiency and improving the bottom line.

Maybe we will survive.

Cedric is excited.
He is all for efficiency and trying new equipment.
Elijah would have loved it.
It is to honor him  and bless Cedric that we stepped out of our comfort zone.
(The girls get more excited when we get new bottles for the calves, or actually get the calves out on pasture. Clarissa just sneezes and stays away.)

We cry out for mercy as we wait for results;
as our hearts ache.
Each day we move forward.
We seek strength for the journey, because it is too hard.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous.
 Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
 for the Lord your God goes with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Yet we know we are being held.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, 
and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, 
nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”