Our Selfish Desires Begin to Wane, as Clearer His Will Becomes

There is a fountain filled with blood

Drawn from Emmanuel’s veins;

And sinners plunged beneath that flood

Lose all their guilty stains.

Lose all their guilty stains,

Lose all their guilty stains;

And sinners plunged beneath that flood

Lose all their guilty stains.

I sit at the piano. 

It's been so long. 

My fingers feel funny on the keys.

The framed saying from a friend, now residing with the King of Kings,
rests stately on the top of the piano.

I think of her. 

The dying thief rejoiced to see
That fountain in his day;
And there have I, though vile as he,
Washed all my sins away.
Washed all my sins away,
Washed all my sins away;
And there have I, though vile as he,
Washed all my sins away.

As I play I can hear the steady beat of the drum. 

Soft. 

Methodical. 

Interpretive. 

His way. 

My drummer.

Now too , residing with the King of Kings. 

I revel in the washing of my sins. 

Away. 

I am saved. 

I am clean. 

Because of Him. 

Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood
Shall never lose its power
Till all the ransomed church of God

Be saved, to sin no more.
Be saved, to sin no more,
Be saved, to sin no more;
Till all the ransomed church of God
Be saved, to sin no more.

I breathe in the words. 

This Ancient Hymn. 

Powerful. 

Convicting. 

Comforting. 

My fingers fly. 

Free. 

I long to play as my Grandmother and Uncle. 

Oh how the keys danced under their command. 

The melodies brought forth; tantalizing. 

Mesmerizing. 

A gift. 

Powerful. 

I play on. 

Lost in these thoughts. 

I step into gratitude. 

Always. 

A choice. 

A step. 

Moving. 

E’er since, by faith, I saw the stream
Thy flowing wounds supply,
Redeeming love has been my theme,
And shall be till I die.
And shall be till I die,
And shall be till I die;
Redeeming love has been my theme,
And shall be till I die.

We are loved. 

Grace is ours. 

Eternal life; our goal. 

Praise on our lips. . . until we are called home. 

Then in a nobler, sweeter song,
I’ll sing Thy power to save,
When this poor lisping, stammering tongue
Lies silent in the grave.
Lies silent in the grave,
Lies silent in the grave;

When this poor lisping, stammering tongue
Lies silent in the grave.

Strength gained from time in His presence. 

The journey made clear. 

Our selfish desires begin to wane. 

As clearer his will becomes. 

Lord, I believe Thou hast prepared,
Unworthy though I be,
For me a blood bought free reward,
A golden harp for me!
A golden harp for me,
A golden harp for me;
For me a blood bought free reward,
A golden harp for me!

The music soothes this weary soul.

The words pour over my being.

There is a place prepared for me. 

For you. 

When our work is through 

Until then. 

We stand in strength. 

Not as this world gives. 

Tis strung and tuned for endless years,
And formed by power divine,
To sound in God the Father’s ears
No other name but Thine;
No other name but Thine,
No other name but Thine;
To sound in God the Father’s ears
No other name but Thine.

There is a Fountain

Selah

Even In The Searing Pain; We are Not Abandoned

I want to avoid his room. 

I haven't been in for a while. 

Sometimes the weight of the pain is crushing. 

I bring laundry up the stairs and turn away quickly. 

I pick up and work for a while. 

When it's time to go downstairs. 

I avoid looking. 

It's been a year. . . and a week. 

How can I do this long term?

How can I survive this piercing pain? 

Some days it is so hard to function. 

I am distracted. 

Unsettled. 

Sad. 

Each moment needing to change my focus and reach for more. 

Seeking the beauty in the struggle. 

We can be consumed by despair. 

Driven by emotions. 

Justifying actions. 

The course has been set. 

Who am I to question? 

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns his face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One, 

Bring many sons to glory

We sing the lyrics. 

My heart hurts. 

The Father turns his face away

The sinless Savior was abandoned.

He bore my sin. 

God turned from Him. 

For me. 

I can barely breathe. 

He turned his face. 

Yet, I am given the promise. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have been extended mercy.

Why should I gain from His reward? 
I can not give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart
 His wounds have paid my ransom. 

He will never leave me. 

He will never forsake me.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 
perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, 
but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

He has never left my side. 

Even in the pain of searing loss. 
He has lifted my feet to solid ground.
His face will never turn from us.
He will always be waiting.
Longing for us.
Until He returns.

No one is beyond His love.
No one is beyond His redemption.
He is waiting.
In repentance; forgiveness and restoration await.

It's The Receiving That Is So Hard

He's here. 

 A man who offered to pray for our family 1600 miles away. 

He has connections and mutual friends here in the area. 

He prayed. 

During those long months of chemo and radiation and dense fog. 

He prayed; for us.  

When I could barely put a foot in front of the other. 

He prayed. 

He sent encouraging e-mails. 

A stranger. Now friend. 

Brothers and sisters in Christ. 

He wanted to do something. 

Something for us. 

We didn't know what to say. 

And now he's here. 

How do you say anything when a community and town have already

 carried you on the wings of grace?

How do you answer when the only thing you really want you can't have?

Aren't we that kind of people?

Always wanting what is just out of reach. 

Wanting the thing we can't have, and forgetting all that is before us. 

Missing all the grace because we do not have eyes to see. 

Mark 8:18

Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear? 

And don't you remember?

Jesus is reminding his people of the things He has already done. 

Ways he has already provided. 

He wants us to remember. 

He led the wandering Israelite's out of Egypt. 

He brought them to the promised land. 

He did what He said He would do. 

We need to be faithful. 

We need to remember His promises. 

Never ending promises. 

I am not sure if I can receive more grace. 

It's a different kind of grace than the touch from above when you 

realize the sacrifice made for your sin, sick soul.  

It's more public. 

It's humbling. 

One who gave grace to our family, gave with His life.

I miss him. 

Now too, residing with the King of Kings. 

That still rakes me hard in my core; each day. 

Overwhelming. 

Wrestling with the purpose and intent in all that has ensued.

So this dear man is here. 

Along with others. 

Grace will visit this farm again. 

Unmerited. 

Undeserved. 

My soul is changing. 

I understand grace more than I ever have. 

I am grateful for that. 

I am grateful to God for his never ending mercies. 

I am. . . holding on to Him. 

David Crowder I Am

". . .There's no end to Amazing Grace."

I Am Holding On to you

I am holding on to you

In the middle of the storm

 I am holding on

I am 

Love like this oh my God so fine

I am overwhelmed with the joy divine

Love like this sets our hears on fire. 

A Broken Pot (Yes Very Cracked) But Not Beyond Repair

The thoughtless words come spewing out. 

I am angry. 

My anger is directed at no one in particular.
The tender soul of the blue eyed girl receives the brunt. 

I feel out of sorts. And lashing out is my first reaction. 

Those words can not be taken back. 

No matter how deeply I ask for forgiveness. 

They came out.

I Corinthians 13:4-6
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

They were in my sin ladened heart. 

It's the forgiveness I sought. 

But it wasn't forth coming. 

She was hurt. 

And my words; the one's asking for forgiveness meant nothing. 

The others were piercing and that's what she's thinking.
How we need to watch our words. 

Proverbs 16:24
Gracious words are a honeycomb, 
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Words that can encourage and breathe life.
Not painful, hurtful, biting remarks.

Psalm 119:103
How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

My heart constricts at her coldness.
I offended my sweet daughter and I feel awful.
She unwilling to forgive.
We both have lessons to learn.
Raw emotions leave us open for hurt.
Unwilling to let go.
I gaze into those baby blue eyes brimming with tears.
How could I let the words fly?
How could I hurt this tender soul?
Sometimes I just want off of this spinning journey we call life.
I can't seem to do it right.
The stress of the day and the tierney of the urgent reek havoc with my sense of calm.
So when I blow, it's a mess.
These are the moments Jesus shows up.
He reminds us of our sin and brokenness.
 He also reminds us of how much we have been forgiven.
Because we aren't always going to get it right.
We aren't always going to say the right thing.
But we are a forgiven people.
God in his mercy extended grace.
I will not always be forgiven by my children.
I will not always get it right.
But I will always be loved and cherished by the One who created me.
I am a work in progress.
A broken pot. (Yes very cracked)
But not beyond repair.
Jesus longs to reach down and fix it all.
At the end of the day. When the exhaustion has taken over and the mist of sleep is heavy.
I whisper to the blue eyed child again.
I am sorry. So sorry. 
She reaches up, gazes into my eyes, and hugs me tight.

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive one another 
if any of you has a grievance against someone. 
Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Sometimes He Does; Sometimes He Doesn't

She asked for a banana and she was given 92.

Just one. That's all she asked for. 

An impossible situation.

She was a prisoner in New Guinea during the war.

A missionary placed in a prison camp. 

Then accused of being a spy. 

Faith like a mountain. 

In the cold hard cell, Darlene Deibler Rose  gave thanks for the tile. 

It meant she was out of the dirt. 

A blessing. 

She counted her 1,000 gifts right there in the prison cell. 

A woman alone.

Her husband taken from her and gone the way of the saints. 

She was starving and diseased. 

She longed for a banana.

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, 
according to his power that is at work within us,

Her diet consisting only of rice. 

The God of all creation sent not one banana, but 92. 

He didn't have to. 

Sometimes he doesn't.
And sometimes he does.
He is good either way.

Psalm 100:5
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Our desire is to serve; to seek and be changed.
He uses the circumstances in our lives to mold and shape us.
To encourage others along this journey.
We may not like all we go through.

The way hard.
It is all for His glory.
Many of us have never had to suffer.
We have had much at our disposal. We lack for little.
So when hard times come we shout how unfair it is.
All the while our character is being shaped and likened unto the Father.

We have been told there will be trials.
We have been told how we should respond.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 
because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 
 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Persevering requires dying to oneself; daily. 

Casting off all that hinders our walk. 

We long for peace, and ease this side of eternity; yet are promised trials and tribulations. 

As our troubles increase, he will all the more pour his grace out in abundance. 

He does it each day. 

His mercies sweet. 

Have eyes to see. 

Have a heart willing to yield. 

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

My Moments Of Inappropriateness

Oh, I make everyone mad in my family. 

It does't happen often. 

But when it does. 

I can't stop. 

I call it holy laughter because there really is nothing funny that has happened. 

And it's usually at prayer time at the table. When I need to be modeling appropriate behavior. 

It's just before we are about to say grace. 

And it's really an inappropriate time to giggle. 

But I do anyway. 

And then everyone else does. 

Except for Gary and Elijah. 

Oh, Elijah would get so mad at me. 

I couldn't stop. 

It happened again yesterday. 

I even got up from the table and went outside. 

I came back and I still couldn't stop.

We had a guest at the table. 

But I couldn't stop. 

I giggled right through the singing of our grace. 

And I rejoiced that I could laugh. 

I am not sure what my children will remember when they are older. 

Maybe their mother was crazy? 

Or maybe, just maybe, they will remember that in the face of great adversity and deepest pain, there is a place where laughter remains. 

A hope that rises from the strength rooted deeply in the grace of God. 

While I may not be the poster child for the best mom in the world, I cling to hope that laughter remains in the midst of anguish. 

That God meets us right in the thick of the turmoil and yuck. 

Job 8:21

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter
    and your lips with shouts of joy.

Elijah would constantly show us videos. This is one we love so much. 

Hope you enjoy. 

We Are Kept

It says it right there. Right there in Jude. At the very beginning. 

To those who have been called, who are loved by God, the Father and kept by Jesus Christ.

We are kept by Christ. 

What a thing.

 I linger on those words. I sip coffee for a few moments, and then a few moments more;

while meditating on those Ancient Words. I actually even got up and got another cup because I needed to hear this message. And I stayed up too late watching the Olympics and my brain is still fuzzy. 

So I needed another cup to clear the sleep away and catch hold of this verse. 

 I let them penetrate my heart. 

Kept by Jesus Christ. 

These words are followed by; 

Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.

He doesn't say only if your life is travelling along at a beautiful pace.  

He doesn't say when all is wrong and your heart is shattered into a million pieces 

and you wonder what all this is really about. 

Jude tells us.

Remember.

You are kept. 

And in abundance is mercy, peace and love. 

May all this be yours today. 

May you find time to drink your coffee and hold these truths close. 

The Super Bowl And The Almighty. . .All In A Day

It's Sunday. 

And I know his mercies are new every morning. 

It was the immediate thought that ran through my head when 

I saw the sunrise the morning of Elijah's home-going. 

His mercy and grace have been extended greatly in the past 6 months. 

We have been carried when we can not walk. 

We have been loved and cared for by our friends and community in ways I could never have imagined. 

I am glad for this day of rest. I am weary.
The week has been long.
My emotions getting the better of me most of the time.
I can't sort out some of this journey.
It all seems so senseless.
So full of pain.
And a day of respite is much needed.
I will head to worship.
 I will seek fellowship and we will be encouraged. 
Because that is where my strength comes from.

Pslam 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

Together with the maker of the universe I will rest today.
I will choose to give thanks and praise for where I am.
Won't you rest?
Take time on this Super Bowl Sunday to be quiet in the presence of the Almighty.
And then enjoy the bantering and intensity of the Superbowl.
Yes, I think God derives pleasure from us watching the Superbowl. 
I think as with anything, he is saddened by the actions which are contrary to His Word.
But He rejoices over His people.

Maybe He even chooses a team.
(Though I really only watch the National Anthem, when people could remember the words, and the halftime show; Up, Up With People was my favorite. What year was that anyway? And the Commercials; those too are my favorite. I know, it's terrible. I usually know who is playing though. . .)
God rejoices over His people; and football.
He delights in us.
He longs to be in relationship with us.
May this day be spent reconnecting with the Author of life; as well as connecting with those new friends or long time friends during the game.
And being reminded that your sins are as white as snow.
My friends, He is coming back.
And, oh, what a sweet reunion that will be.

I’ll see you in a little while
I’ll see you in a little while
It won’t be too long now
We’ll see it on the other side
The wait was only the blink of an eye
So I’m not gonna say goodbye
‘Cause I’ll see you in a little while

Two Roads Diverged, And I Had No Choice

The Road Not Taken

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I did not choose this road. 

It was made for me. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

It is the less traveled of the roads. 

It is the road lined with searing loss.

But it is the road chosen for me.

The road we were meant to walk.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

The road though, is lined with loving support; 

 sprinkled with restful grace along the way. 

The uphill climb wears on the body,

 but the soul is nourished and never left alone.

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

We don't know how to thank this wonderful community for not forgetting.For Reaching out and holding us close. We don't know how to walk this road. We don't know where it will turn or become impassable. But the grace bestowed on us, helps us press forward. 

Our eyes cry endless tears. Our hearts hurt from the agony of loss. I miss him. Dreadfully. And my soul wants to cry it's so unfair. Yet each time the burden feels too much, we receive a call, a card. a loving touch. We lean into what we know. And even though we are on the "Road Less Travelled". There has been endless beauty, extravagant grace, and abounding love.  

Whatever is in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah.

Maybe We Will Survive

The reality of our son not being here for the rest of our  lives,
 is weighing heavy on my heart.
The missing is overpowering at times.

It takes my breath away. I feel as if my heart will break. 

And really, it has; 

into a million pieces. . .

The pieces are being replaced day by day. Prayer by prayer. 

But it will never be the same.

Deuteronomy 7:9

Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations,

The equipment on this farm is decades old.
It is the farming way.
It frustrated the boys.
Farming can be rewarding. . .yet hard.
My farmer can fix almost anything;
make it run, squeeze more life out of it. . .
until it squeezes life out of him, I begin to wonder.
And that is where my mind has gone over the past few days.
I have lost a son.
Will I also lose my best friend and husband?
The chances are. . .at some point I may.
So, I push for a new piece of equipment.
2 actually.

I head to the field to see how this works.
We have a new rake.

I rode with Gary for awhile. 

The color rich in hue.

The sun warm.

But I still can't feel. 

I long to know the joy such a day would bring.
God displays his majesty in the richness of his creation.
And my heart just hurts.
I still let the sun poor over me.
 I give thanks for what I have. 

I give thanks for this day and the hay we were able to get in.
And I know He is healing us.
I know He is right there.

The field is so clean.
3 rows are raked together, cutting time down raking, as well as baling.
Efficiency and improving the bottom line.

Maybe we will survive.

Cedric is excited.
He is all for efficiency and trying new equipment.
Elijah would have loved it.
It is to honor him  and bless Cedric that we stepped out of our comfort zone.
(The girls get more excited when we get new bottles for the calves, or actually get the calves out on pasture. Clarissa just sneezes and stays away.)

We cry out for mercy as we wait for results;
as our hearts ache.
Each day we move forward.
We seek strength for the journey, because it is too hard.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous.
 Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
 for the Lord your God goes with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Yet we know we are being held.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, 
and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, 
nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”