Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Stepping Forward; It's Been 2 years

I want to stand in front of the pole 
And will it to not be. 
As if being there at the time of the accident could stop it from happening. 
I stare at the pole. 

Someone has so lovingly mowed this area and planted flowers. 
The knowledge that someone else remembers fills my aching soul.

It is now 2 years since our boy walked this earth. 

2 years of walking a path that is rough and ragged. 

This time has been filled with life - full, and moving on. 

Some days the moving on is so deeply painful. 
It takes all I am to step forward. 
But that is what we need to do. 
Step Forward. 
Each foot placed firmly down. 
Placed on the rock that is solid and strong. 
Step Forward, for the work still left to do. 
We are a people deeply loved by a loving God. 
So loved in fact that He gave all. 
Yesterday I spoke with another who longs for her child. 
Another taken too soon. 
And we spoke of the blessings we shared. 
The gifts God has given. 
That night. 
The final moments I would ever see him. 
I said Good Bye. 
I held him. 
I gazed into his eyes. 

I have no regrets. 

40 days before he delivered this. 

A gift. 

While we continue to wrestle with deep grief, we still need to step forward. 
Forward into grace. 
Ready to see a need. 
Counting our blessings. 
Standing on Truth. 
I keep coming back to, what I know. 
I know that I am loved. 

I know that I have been redeemed. 
I know where Elijah is. 
I know he is at the feet of Jesus. 
The ache and the pain will never go away. 
I long for my boy every day of my life. 
That, will never change. 

There are still moments when the grief is so over powering, 
I can barely breathe. 
Yet through it all I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with me.  

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I am stepping forward into God's goodness.
Open to His leading. 
Trusting in His wisdom and grace. 
My soul is at peace. 
Only because of the grace given. 

I miss you with all my heart. 
We all do. 
Your plans were to serve. 
To serve this country. 
You could have gone to college and been so successful. 
Yet you chose to serve. 
You never had that chance. 
But your servants heart remains a testimony. 

May we all step forward. 
Trusting in the path placed before us. 
Resting in God's unfailing love. 
Laying down those heavy burdens. 
Knowing that there is a plan bigger than us. 

I still marvel each day as I get into the nicest vehicle I have ever driven.
I gaze at the accident site that looks beautiful and to me, has become holy ground. 
I wonder at the love poured out in so many ways. 
Winter; warmth. 
I step each day onto a porch that is solid and beautiful; 
beyond anything we could have done. 

Tangible reminders that we are loved. 
Help to Step Forward.

Reminders that we really do have :

10,000 Reasons to Sing
Matt Redman


Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Surprise In A Friendship; When You Were Expecting To Be Alone

Her rich, deep voice is directed towards us. 
Her eyes sparkling. 
I answer her question. 
She exudes joy with a touch of mischief. 
We exchange pleasantries. 
As in all conversations there comes a defining moment. 
She shares that she lost 3 of her siblings in a matter of months. 
My heart lurches with the known pain of losing so many in a matter of months. 
I hug her. 
And a friendship is born. 
Decades apart in age. 
Unity in the Spirit. 
In the morning session she comes running down to greet us. 
As I should have known a link to my mom would be there. 
My mom knew everyone. 
Or knew someone related to someone. 
And here this dear woman's niece dug deep with my mom in bible study. 
Cried out to God in prayer together. 
A link. 
Encouragement in the Body of Christ. 
I listen as this woman tells bits and piece of her story. 
Gary and I; intrigued. 
At 78 she has more energy than the both of us put together. 
She is witty and bright. 
And I want to be just like her when I grow up. 
I want the love of Christ to define who I am and shine in all I do. 
I want to have experienced all that I can. 
She regales us with story after story. 
And I know that this is a gift. 
A treasure. 
God has come along side of me in human form. 
He has sent a companion to laugh with and learn from. 
I marvel at the goodness of God. 
This week has been good. 
A week of unexpected alone time. 
Rich in peace and quiet. 
Overflowing with solid study and teaching. 
Each day is a gift. 
Even when they are hard. 
There is much to learn. 

Thursday, July 16, 2015

When You Spend Time Alone; You Realize How Never Alone You Really Are.


Yet never alone. 
Even in the darkest moments. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I am not alone. 

Richard Blackaby continues his talk.
He speaks of Elijah. 

I want to weep at the mention of his name.
But it is the Elijah of the bible, 
of whom he speaks. 
The Elijah who is called to speak to Kings and Prophets; 
and then is asked to hide in a ravine. 
To be fed by ravens. 
The Elijah who is asked to seek charity from a widow and her son. 
A widow who is about to prepare her last meal, and then die, because the famine is so great. 
It is this Elijah he speaks of. 
It is this same Elijah that brings back to life the only son of the widow. 
Richard Blackaby goes on to speak of the wilderness and
 the blessing God is able to bring about. 
And the sob catches in my throat. 
Oh, if he only knew the wilderness I am walking in. 
The loss. 
There was no Elijah that brought my Elijah back to life. 
No, I live without my son. 
I am faced with grief every day. 
A longing. 
The daily longing for communion with God. 
To hear his voice. 
To try to make sense of all that has gone on. 
Are we to make sense of the story of our life? 
Sometimes I think not. 
We are so preoccupied with trying to understand. 
Trying to make sense that we miss the purpose. 
We are to be used by God; For His purpose. 

"He may have you in the wilderness to prepare you for His work,"
Richard Blackay says. 
God is right here. 
Even in this barren land. 

Our prayers and our requests should ask,

"What can we do to bring about your will, Lord?"
How can you use me? 
How can you use this circumstance to bring about your Glory and your will. 

It is not my agenda that is important. 
It is the desire of a Holy God that I seek. 

I sit in a room filled mostly of folks older than me. 
Saints of the faith. 
We gather around the Grand Piano.  

We sing hymn after hymn of old. 
We sing about Victory in Jesus, and Telling the Old, Old Story. 
We sing about, Peace Like a River and How Well it is With Our Soul. 

My farmer says if you're not moving forward your going backwards. 
I want to move forward continually. 
All the time pointing to the One who writes my name on his palm. 

Isaiah 49:16
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. . .

Giving Him the glory for the things in my life.
My Alone time this week has reminded me how
not alone I really am. 

When we seek the face of God. 
He is faithful to meet us. 
He will never leave us. 
He will never forsake us. 
Even in the tough times. 
Even when the seering pain, clouds our vision. 
He is there. 
We are never alone. 

I pray you can take a moment to listen to this song. 
This song has ministered to my aching soul for so many years. 

Before the Throne of God

Wednesday, July 15, 2015


That's how I find myself this week. 
Plans to spend time with the youngest. 
And now. 
At first. 
I do not know how to react. 
In a room. 
A clean room. 
2 beds. 
Meals prepared. 
Solid biblical preaching. 
All alone. 
My own schedule. 
Clean towels everyday. 
In the room. 
In the lobby. 
In the dining hall. 
I don't do alone. 
I find someone to accompany me to the store. 
I fight off the panic that threatens. 
It is then that I hear the small voice. 
Commune with me. 
How I have longed for more time to dig deep. 
To study the word. 
Commune with me. 
I don't know if I can.
This God that I want to know intimately, allowed my son to be taken. 
He allowed my husband to have cancer. 
He has allowed our finances to be stretched. 
In short amounts of time he allowed my Aunt, my parents best friend and my mom to journey home. 
He allowed my parents dog and our puppy to die premature deaths. 
He has allowed my dad to date the memory thief. 
He is also the same God who allowed a beautiful grand daughter to be born. 

Commune with me,  he says. 
I love Him and I will serve him. 
Yet spend alone time with him? 

In the quiet? 
I don't know if I can. 
I am raw.
 I am vulnerable.

Typically I recharge by being with people. 
But I don't have that energy any more. 

I open my mind to the possibilities. 

Richard Blackaby says,
 "Unless you make an adjustment. .. you're not going anywhere." 

And I cry out to God. 

Hasn't an adjustment already been made? 
An adjustment I didn't ask for or ever desire? 

Richard Blackaby continues his talk. 
He talks about his Father, Henry. 
One of the most influential men of our time. 
A man devoted to the word of God. 
A man so knowledgeable. 
He shares how his dad still longs to grow. 
To know more of God. 
To dig deeper. 
He challenges us to continue to be hungry for God. 
To find out what is holding us back? 
We are the ones who are limiting what God can do in our lives. 
What am I doing in my life that would require a miracle? 

I don't know where God will take me this week. 
Commune with me. 
I know that spending time, alone, with Him, is a starting place. 

I am embracing this gift of this week. 
I am willing to face everything, boldly. 
I am sure I may not like all that will transpire. 
But I am going to continue to be real. 
I don't like this path I am on. 
I did not ask for it. 
I do not like it. . . one bit. 
But, I do love the Lord. 
And the morning that Elijah met Jesus. 
I sat in my living room. 
My farmer and Cedric had gone to the barn. 
The girls were still sleeping. 
Their world still in tact.
The power was still out. 
There was darkness. 
And I was alone. 
I could barely breathe. 
 I did the one thing my soul is able to do. 
And that is to Praise. 
It is our first language. 
Praising the God of the Universe. 
It is what we will do when we see Him face to face. 

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

So in this time;
I will dig deep into the Word. 
I will allow God to move. 

Are you willing to get real with God? 

Lauren Daigle
Trust in You

When you don't move the mountains I need you to move
When you don't part the waters I wish I could've walked through
When you don't give the answers as I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, 
I will trust in You!

Saturday, July 11, 2015

When You Become Older Than Your Brother

She is 18.

The age her brother never saw. 
The age we were anticipating. 

She, now older than him. 
We knew this would happen. 
He will remain. . . Young Forever.

She,will forge on ahead. 

A life full of hopes and dreams. 
She will cling to her rock. 
Her Savior. 
Trusting for each day. 
At Summer Bible Camp she gave a testimony. 
Yet a reminder that Jesus reigns. 
That her life belongs to another. 
Her pain and sadness is known by a Holy and Loving God. 
With God. 

I marvel at her strength. 
Her perseverance. 
Her willingness to share; God is in control. 
Her desire to live intentionally. 

No matter how hard the walk grows to be, One thing remains;

Isaiah 40:28
Do you not know? Have you not heard? 
The LORD is the everlasting God, 
the Creator of the ends of the earth. 
He will not grow tired or weary, 
and his understanding no one can fathom.

She is 18. 
We choose to celebrate. 

This picture is. . . and will remain one of my most favorites. 

Happy Birthday Clarissa! 

Friday, July 10, 2015

A re- working of All In The Same Moment

We had been in Maine. 

It was so quiet. 
 No white tornado puppy to great us. 

I had been thinking about our home going and what it would be like. 

How quickly my son would experience that journey. 

Each step of every day draws me closer to the anniversary of the day. 

We attended a Birthday for a sweet family friend. 
We sang Happy Birthday and she opened her presents. 
On the TV ran photos of my children when they were little. 
Pictures of Elijah. 
His blue eyes sparkling. 
The kids so little. 

How quickly it all went. 
It seems like yesterday, my kids were the ones celebrating their first birthdays. 
Now I am about to recognize the  Anniversary of my sons death. 

It's wrong. 
So very wrong. 

I feel like I have been in a bubble. 
Between the deaths and the cancer something has been askew. 

There has been one constant that has been right. 

Each moment held by grace. 
Wrapped in love. 
Feet planted firmly. 
My go to place.
The solid rock.

Psalm 18:31
For who is God besides the LORD?
 And who is the Rock except our God?

My faith in Jesus Christ. 
My years as a mom, wife, believer. 
I am still learning. 
Yet, have gained some wisdom along the journey. 

With love and grace, I pass it along. 

If you have children. 
Slow down. 
Even if you don't; slow down.
Cancel the week long camp. . . go camping. . . even if it's in the back yard. 

Love more. 
Laugh at inappropriate times. 
Take yourself a little less seriously. 
Talk about God. 
A lot. 
Teach your children to pray. 
To love; with every act. 
Be respectful. 
Go to church. 
Live in a Community that knows your name.
And even if they don't; where they will still love on you. 
Find ways to be creative. 
Say I love you. 
All the time. 
Even when you don't feel like it. 
Trust God. 
Breathe deeply. 

Always kiss them good bye when they leave. 

Hold tight; yet let them spread their wings and fly. 
All in the same moment. 

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Just Because. . .

Just because;

The sun has been shining for a few days. 

And it's warm.

Just because. . . 

I am still in awe of the beauty of this place. 

And it still takes my breath away. 

Just because. . . . 

I can. . . 

Post tons of pictures. 

Because I love pictures. 
(though my beautiful niece took this one)

Just because. . . 

These pictures remind me of God's faithfulness. 
And that sometimes. . .

I just need to Praise God. . . 
In everything. . . 
Even when it is hard. 
Even when the hurt is deep. 

 Just because. . .