Sunday, August 4, 2013

Deep Agony

To lose a child is not right.
At the funeral Glenn shouted, 
"It's Not Fair"

Today I echo that same feeling.
It is not fair. 
I want my boy back.
I want all my babies in the nest. 

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning,
It's time to sing your song again."
-Matt Redman

I don't know the tune to this new song.
It's rhythm, unfamiliar.

I long to turn back time. 
I yearn for one more minute;
For something to be different. 

But it is not.
And the beat of time marches on.
And with that time:
I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm
    he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121
It has been one week. 7 days. Enough hours to know searing pain.
And enough moments to know we are loved and supported.
Cards and letter keep pouring in.
Some from strangers we have yet to meet. 
All offering comforting words. 
Words that touch us. Words that we will cherish. 

And even though my heart is broken and aches beyond words.
The Holy Spirit will intercede for me. 
And I will say. . . 
It is well with my soul.


  1. I love you. I beg for comfort for your aching soul. I read the Psalms too and it is my prayer book for you.

  2. I love you, Tammy <3 Love, Dena

  3. I hope you can feel my arms around you - holding you - loving you - comforting you - I can't get all of you out of my mind. I wish I was there and not here.......but I have jury duty and I already got out of it once for Nicholas' graduation - so I dared not try again. I am a phone call away - a text message away - a plane trip away. Remember that. I love you. ♥♥♥ Auntie Donna

  4. Tammy ~ I only just learned of your family from a mutual friend, Michelle (Daniels) Martin. My heart aches for your recent loss & I've been following your blog. You have a talent with words, even amongst your sword-wounded heart, that speak volumes to those who love you & also, to those whom have never met you. I understand you are grieving greatly, but consider writing a book through your sadness. I believe you are mending a piece of your soul & helping others as well. Namaste ~ Caryl Munsell, Ipswich, MA

  5. Today's sermon at NCBC was about your boy :) It was very touching. Please read it here: Hopefully it is a blessing to you!

  6. Tammy, Your in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Words can only express how sorry I am and know that your faith and love from family and friends will help you each hour of each day. It's amazing how may people your son touched in life in such a short period of time in life. Your like your Mom and will give without taking and accept the love provided through words and praise to God. Tod

  7. Tammy, I'm stopping over from (in)courage. I read your comment to today's post (A Sunday scripture) and just had to know who you are - who your boy is. My heart is breaking for you, and I will be praying for you today and in the days to come. Your unwavering faith, so beautifully illustrated through this blog, is an inspiration to me - and a glory to God. May your hearts be filled with His peace.

    Amy, upstate NY

  8. Tammy,
    I can only echo what so many have said to you. I don't know you and your family and yet feel incredibly close to you during this painful time. I cringed when you said you wanted your boy back as I want the same for you. And you will have him again when you meet in heaven. He is in God's arms and happy. I pray that you can rest in His arms until you feel joy once again. I am honored that you are sharing this raw, painful experience with us as we can only imagine, and never know what you all are truly feeling. And as a Mom, your words are touching me deeply as I cherish my only daughter a little more each day. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family. May you continue looking up and know that your comfort is in Him. Hugs and much love.... Julie