Saturday, August 3, 2013

Doing the Hard Thing

I didn't have to go. 

And the first time I didn't.
But this time was different.
There was a need to go. 

I wanted to see the car. 

There were things in it that I wanted to collect. 
But mostly I just wanted to see . . .
to know. 

What exactly I was looking for, I do not know? 

Some evidence of Elijah.

Something someone had missed.
Some clue as to how he had spent his final moments on this earth.

And once again, I found myself wrapped in peace. 
And I know it is the power of all those praying. 

This morning is harder. The ache seems to permeate everything I see. 
The shock is wearing off. . .the permanence a reality. 

Psalm 19:1 The heavens declare the glory of God; 
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

This sunrise in the wee hours after 
we had learned of his departure 
from this earth was majestic.

I don't know how to do today. A part of me wants to stay here in bed. I haven't even had that cup of coffee I was going to have.
My whole world seems kicked out of sync.

Yesterday we had to call 911, to take Cedric to the hospital. He had a reaction to a wasp or bee sting. It all turned out just fine. He will need an epi  pen and must be careful.
The rescue workers were amazing. I think they knew they were dealing with a mom slightly on edge.

But to this fragile mom it was a walk in the balance of fear of losing another son. And in each and every moment I needed to surrender. Do I really trust the living God? Or do I just give lip service to being a "good Christian" girl.

And again, I felt supported and lifted up. 

Psalm 119: I rise before dawn and cry for help;I have put my hope in your word.

Each one of us ache. Our relationships all so intermingled.

And so I chose to trust today

 And I will do the next thing. 

Psalm 56:3-4
When I am afraid,
I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise.
in God I trust; I will not be afraid. 


  1. I feel your pain and your willingness to trust the Lord through this. How one has the normal human reaction of pain and grief and trusting the Lord in your suffering is not a path where we have advance training. I know that the Spirit of the Living God will give you the strength for the moment and your days will be tiny increments of God's strength for a long time. I love you all. I am lifting you up before the Lord.
    Martha Frost

  2. Oh, Tammy. I'm still praying. I will keep on praying. Know that your sharing is an encouragement. Hugs, Maureen

  3. Your family is an inspiration to all. God will carry you over the bumps that you are about to encounter. Everyone around you loves you and we are all sending prayers and hugs your way. Elijah would want nothing more than for his wonderful family to stay strong. Love to all of you!

  4. Tammy, you truly are amazing at a time of such pain. You are in my thoughts often. I am reminded of the last time I saw your mother and father at PPAC for the Lion King. I asked how you were doing, her reply "Tammy is amazing. I don't know how she does it, but she does."

    Take care of you and know that so many are willing to support you at such a heart-wrenching time.

    Jodie Hastings Federowicz

  5. One minute, one hour, one day. Whatever it takes to help you get through this unbearable time.

  6. I have just read every post and every comment. Just as much as I wanted desperately to fly to you, I want to be there with you now. You are so close to my thoughts and prayers--the ones that never cease throughout the day. I sleep with the phone by my bed. Call me whenever you want to talk. About anything or everything or nothing. Day or night. I'm here, wishing I were there and that this wasn't so. Love you so much, Tam. XOXO

  7. That sunrise was Majestic. I just noticed that the cloud formation forms a heart in the middle of the sky. Beautiful .
    Again, thank you Tammy for loving your Heavenly Father and trusting in Him. You are a blessing and a living testimony of Gods grace to us.