Thursday, August 22, 2013

Digging Through the Fog.

As I dig through the fog each morning. I cry to God to find unspoken peace in Him. I settle there. . .for a while. Even in the midst of this deep anguish, we can find hope. We need to dig through the dirt and mire to find the core. The core of our souls that longs to find redemption. We each were created for a reason and a purpose. That gives me hope. It sets my feet on solid ground.

As I grapple with this new life, I trust that God will guide my steps. When waves of grief flood my soul and I think I can not bear it any longer. . .it is too much. When all of me wants to scream, No! This can't be. A peace steals over my being. It is a peace not as the world gives. .  .

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 
I do not give to you as the world gives. 
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

A hard thing on this journey is the missing. 
The longing. . . heart wrenching, yearning to see him again.
Our souls should be that zealous to see the LORD.
Oh how we should long to be in His presence and do all within our power to
share that beautiful message.

But we get stuck. . .with the details of this life. And there is beauty here.
We will all too quickly see the that beauty displayed in a majesty of color as fall approaches. 
We see beauty in a new born baby, the giving of covenant vows. . .never to be broken. 
But if this is all we see. If this is all that stirs our hearts. . . we are missing the greatest gift ever given. 
The beauty that comes with a life surrendered to the Lord of Lords and the assurance of eternal life is the greatest gift one can find. 

We went to look for vans today. This is day 2 of our search and I am almost paralyzed in making a decision . . . It pronounces loudly that our van is gone, our son is in heaven and I need to move on. I am stuck. . .I don't want to move on. I am anxious. I don't want to spend any money. I don't know what is the right decision. I am stuck. And it is because I have taken my eyes off the One who will not let a sparrow fall. I need to dig through the fog and cling to what I know. 
Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, 
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

God knows our needs even better than I. And I am going to rest in his unfailing love and trust.

 You raise me up. . .to more than I can be. . .


  1. You were up early this morning, my friend. And the Lord of Hosts has met you. "O Lord in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch." Psalm 5:3. Yours is a sacrifice of praise in a dark valley, your praise points us all to our risen Savior.

  2. Thank you for sending the link Tammy -- I was finally able to get on. You are a gifted writer who is sharing your hope and strength for all of us who mourn losses and live with pain and sorrow. Have you ever listened to Michael Card's "Come Lift up Your Sorrow" (on his Hidden Face of God CD)?It has been my "go to" song for the most troubling trials in my life. I will send you a link in an e-mail.
    Love you so much!
    Mary :)

  3. Lifting you up (all of you), as even we hurt because of this deep grief in your souls. Thanks for these words Tammy, as reminders that this is not our home and that we should long and live for the One that is bringing us all home. We love you. "People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." (Hebrews 11:14-16).

  4. Tammy, I hear the loss being felt more accutely in the midst of change..... you lost so, so much more than a van. I hear the soul-warrior and the mother trying to find peace with each other. I hear someone walking alone through the Valley, that long dark valley of the shadow. I hear your loss, your struggle, your loneliness.

  5. Thanks again for your words - I woke up this morning with '10,000 Reasons' in my head - it went on for a long time, through my morning coffee and then on to work - (that old 'stereo in my head') - it was odd, and yet comforting, because it was certainly not how I felt today, but God put that song in my heart anyway.

    "The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
    It's time to sing Your song again
    Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
    Let me be singing when the evening comes"

    Your blog is great and quite often encouraging (whereas I think mine was/is perhaps not suitable for all audiences). I was touched by what you said today, especially because there was that 'awful moment' (or was/is it still 'moments' ?) when I had to confess to Him that if I really looked into my heart, at least as it was evidenced by my thoughts and actions, that I loved Jon more than I loved Him - that is never a pretty moment for me.

    Is it different for men? Who knows, but I often found myself spending far too much time in Psalm 73: 1-14 (or Job 9 - and my, how I've read that book over and over these 5 years and gained new blessings every time) - but never really letting 73:15-22 'kick me in the pants' like it should. Yet now I strive day by day to cling to 73:23-28 - so that indeed I can "still be singing when the evening comes."

    We think of you often - and even 'selfishly' today I wondered if we'd see Gary at the 'milk barn' at the fair this year - perhaps that's an impertinent thought, but it made me smile to think we might. Give him our love - we hope to be able to spend time with you soon.

  6. Home canning Plum Jam and praying on what we spoke about today.. thinking of you, the van situation, and farming, veggies, lamb-pork-beef trading etc.

    I should pray more and trust the path to be reviled in His good time...reading St John...16:7-13
    I find awaiting the Spirit of Truth, and accepting the Comforter, is the hardest work of Faith

    Tammy, thank you for this WORK that you are doing, openly, publicly, and privately too.
    God Bless You.