Saturday, August 24, 2013

How a Mom Grieves

When we are quiet and still.
God meets us. He is everlasting and true. Each day that passes takes us further away from the accident. But closer to Christ's return.
 I struggle with wrapping my arms around this entire journey.

I Corinthians 13;12
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; 
then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully,
 even as I am fully known.

This morning I again lean into the door frame of Elijah's room. The pain still permeates the heart like a knife. I try to twist from the pain. I want to gently rub his sleeping cheek. Tickle his toes to get up. Tell him it's time to get ready for school. I want to hear him groan and pull the covers over his face. I put some of his clothes in the drawers. It's habit I guess. I pick up some trash. And I again breathe in deep all the years of loving. How does it come to this? How do I pick up the shattered dreams and delicate pieces of my heart?
Where do I go with the 'not enough's'? 
There have not been enough nights to say good night, not enough celebrated birthdays. 
Not enough time with only 17 years. Not enough dinners cooked and definitely not enough hugs and I love you's. . .

But there are "just enough's". 
There is just enough grace for today.  
There is just enough of everything else to meet our needs. 

And in those moments where I cry, 
"There was NOT ENOUGH"
God whispers back,
 I AM enough. 
And He his. He is all I need. 

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness.
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 
so that Christ's power may rest on me.


  1. With love

  2. You are so strong, Tammy. Keep holding on to the Lord with all that you are.

    1. Thank you. Really I am not strong. . .at all. God has really shown himself in such a powerful way. This is honestly my worst nightmare and every other mom too. We are clinging to the rock. Thank you for your words. . .

  3. I will never, could never know how you are feeling!! But, I am sure it is a nightmare that you just want someone to wake you up from.
    Hug those other children every day.. Hold Gary!
    If you need someone to cry with you I am a good bet. Call me anytime, 802-899-2721 or 802-922-2520...
    I remember you in my thoughts most of everyday. I lost a dear friend the week before Elijah.. I pray for him and Elijah and your families everyday! God Bless you for the strength you are "trying" to maintain. Be so kind to yourself:)
    Lots of love and blessings,
    Rebecca Brooklyn

  4. I am lifting you up in thought and prayer on this beautiful Saturday, Tammy. I am hugging you tight right now.

    I am not a regular reader of Angie Smith' blog, but I bumped into it today, and it was a loving answer to my own desperate, aching prayers this morning. I thought I would share it with you.

    Praising God for Elijah's 17 years with your family - too short (through the lenses of our earthly eyes) but, oh, how sweet.


  5. Oh, Tammy. I love reading your thoughts and the way the Lord is carrying you through this. Your words - His words - are beautiful and sweet to the soul. You and your family remain often in our thoughts and prayers.

    Sarah C.

  6. Tammy, I don't know what to say. Just want you to know I care and I read your blog and I am astounded at the beauty of your spirit and how generous you are to share your grief and faith with others.

  7. Tammy, throughout this, God has been using your example to teach me how to grieve well....with Jesus. These are never lessons anyone wants to learn, but I'm thankful to learn them from your example. Thank you for your faithfulness and honesty throughout this process.