It is 6:00 a.m when we leave the house.
It is still dark.
I pray while we drive.
Trying to calm the churning.
I stare at the wall behind the bed.
It is a familiar wall.
They must be similar in each place.
I hold Gary's hand.
I close my eyes, I see the wall behind mom's bed.
All the tubes and machines.
I am holding her hand.
Much smaller than my farmers.
A beautiful hand with long nails, that even as life slipped away, she had manicured.
Always on her own.
Very few professional manicures in her life.
I linger in the memories for a moment.
But they are still sharp.
Our Pastor arrives and we pray.
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee:
because he trusteth in thee.
Trust ye in the Lord for ever:
for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:
I am struck by his quoting the verse from memory; in the King James.
This is a verse he knows.
He has hidden in his heart.
He reminds us, our peace is because we have stayed our minds on Christ.
In this fast paced world of doing and doing. . . where do we put our thoughts?
Many spend time emptying themselves in quiet.
What if you filled in that quiet with the Holy Spirit?
The One who gives perfect peace.
The One who is our peace.
Machines whir and they are ready to take Gary in;
in to surgery.
In to remove a cyst turned cancer.
But a straightforward tumor.
I watch as they take him away.
My stomach knots.
I know better.
I need to surrender. . . all.
God has this all in his hands.
And the waiting begins.
For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one
and has destroyed the barrier, he has broken down every wall.
I head to the cafeteria with Peter.
We talk, it is good for me.
I begin to feel peace.
I head back up stairs.
Gary's sister is there to spend the day.
Together we wait.
It is almost 6 hours before we hear anything.
There is sweet grace in those hours.
Visits from friends who work at the hospital,
or just happened to have a meeting that day.
It helps with the waiting.
The news is good.
They were able to remove the tumor.
They removed lymph nodes.
Now we wait for the pathology report.
Gary is spending the night.
It is 9:00 pm before I get home.
It is dark again.
I wander through the house.
I greet the kids still awake.
There are dishes.
There is laundry, book work, food on the counter.
There is life.
The forward moving of time.
I head to bed.
I wait upon the LORD as I rest my weary head.
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles;
they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
I will wait on the LORD.
I will walk in His presence as I mourn the loss of our son Elijah
as I wait for pathology reports.
As I live for Christ.
And as I thank those who continually hold us.