I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

I spot them out of the corner of my eye. 

They were not there yesterday. 

The miracle of the warmth and sunshine.

In just a moment; things changed. 

Do we breathe in deep enough to handle those things that change so quickly?
Are we rooted deep enough to hold on?
In a flash we are knocked off balance.
With a word, our whole life changes.

Do we live so that when the storms come we have much in reserve? 

Enough to press through each day?
The time to cherish the unimportant.
Wind through the trees. A shadow across the field.

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Do you notice the scenery on the way to work or the store anymore?
What have you pushed aside?

Looking up today.
I don't want to miss a thing.
Even the pain.

Psalm 121:1
 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber;

Waiting; The Farming Way

It's raining. 

Again. 

We really could use a little precipitation.
The grass will green up quickly. 

We are running short on feed. 

With the new calculations it looks like we have 10 days of feed left. 

10 days left of the harvest that held our son.

His hand in the work. 

The final pieces of summers bounty, ending. 

Another piece to the puzzle. 

Another added expense. 

I watch my farmer husband as he shares the news. 

We need feed. 

He doesn't react. 

Years of volatility in this business have hardened him to reactions. 

Faith in an unwavering God leaves him grounded. 

It is me who does the wild screaming dance and shouting and stewing.
 There's a twinkle in the farmer's eye.
He's feeling a bit better. 

For now. We will wait.
Decisions made in haste can cause much waste.
In waiting, he will call and see what feed is available.
In waiting he will check over every pasture thoroughly.
While waiting he will analyze each aspect of the feeding production.
He will fix a mower, order parts, change the oil and clean out the office, while waiting.
Because waiting is the farming way. 

The strong, resilient resolve. 

They weather any storm.
Persevere through the toughest conditions. 

Find beauty in the ashes. 

A way where there seems to be none.
Hope. 

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

An inner peace permeates his being.
It is one of the things that drew me to him.
He was strong and silent.
It intrigues me even after 20 years.
How can a man be so quiet?

His energy is spent in prayer, not ranting.
Because of course I have done enough of that (the ranting part).
He listens instead of reacts.
Because my chatter, I am sure leaves him dumbfounded.
He loves rather than condemns.
A life marching to the beat of the Savior's drum.
So we will wait.
We will pray.
It is the farming way.

Waiting Can Turn Me Into The Road Rage Queen

I wait in the parking lot for my youngest son; now my only, to finish practice. 

It seems like yesterday I was waiting for Elijah.
There is struggle in waiting.

I do not wait well. 

I am easily irritated. 

There is something else I could be doing. 

Work that needs to be done.
Space; I need to fill.
Silence; (ask the farmer) I need to fill.
There is purpose in waiting. Each a season.

Waiting; with child, for birth. 

Hope. 

New life.

Waiting;  in line, traffic, on the phone.
While waiting,
 I can turn into the road rage queen in the middle of Mandisa's Good Morning Song. 
Seriously. 

Or waiting while my laptop shuts down 3 times trying to finish this post.
Frustration being born.

There it is. Be Still. 

Lessons in Lent.
It is what we do in the waiting that matters.

Learning to find opportunities to pray.
Waiting for the call that mom had journeyed to Jesus.
Trust.
Opportunities to slow down.

Waiting in the wee hours of the morning for the sun to rise;
to share the news that Elijah had been called home.
Grief.
Seeking the Ancient Word.
Waiting for doctors to share  biopsy results.
Prayer.
Resting in Hope.
Waiting for scan results.
Seeking to Praise Him.
In the midst of the storm.
Waiting is a gift.
As we seek how to wait, as we are refined in the process;
there is room for tremendous growth.

God can do his mightiest work while we wait. 
Though the journey may seem long, the pain unbearable.
God may seem miles away.
You may be bone weary from the intense pounding of life's circumstances.
He is is there.
In the midst of it all.
While you wait. 
He fights. 

Exodus 14:4
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

The Name Above All Names

Elijah.

I just want to say his name. 

I want to holler through the house; it's time for dinner, or get down here and pick up your things. 

I want to say his name and hear his voice. 

I want to buy him a Christmas present and fill his stocking. 

My soul wishes for this not to be. 

The deep searing pain resurfacing.
The loss permeating all that I do. 

Oh, how I miss him.

Oh, how everything in me resonates that this is wrong. 

How can the God of the universe, that called all into being, have this be my path?

It has been a year since mom died.
A year since I had only been home a day, when I received the call.
A year since I got in the car and drove 4 hours.
I wasn't there when she died. I wasn't there when my son died.
But I never left things undone.
I always hugged and kissed and said goodbye.
Always.
Mom had been so sick.
We had been praying for the Lord to call her home.
And he did. . .in His timing.
How many times I have picked up the phone to call her.
To call her name.
Every time I see purple I think of her.
She is missed by so many.

It's been a whole year.
Part of that year I have been mourning the loss of our son.
Everything seems wrong.
A year where my heart has ached every single day.
A year of missing mom, of missing the sweet licks and antics of our puppy of missing  Elijah and now a journey with cancer.

And there in the middle of my rant; when I am spent and tired.
When I can't possibly shed another tear.
 I am reminded of the path our Savior took to the grave;
For me.
 To call me by name.
He was born in a humble manger.
No earthly wealth to speak of.
His birth was not announced with beautiful picture cards sent in the mail
or announced over Facebook.

No.
 It was proclaimed by the Angels sent from on high.

Luke 2:9-14

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,

and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

All of Creation cried out. Proclaiming and Praising. 

It was proclaimed thousands of years before:

Isaiah 7:14
Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign,Behold a virgin will conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Emmanuel.

Matthew 1:21

And you shall give him the name Jesus.

Our names are so important.

Even before they were born, John and Jesus were named.
Even before our children are born, we choose a name. 

Jesus is the name above all names. 

He who is called by many names:

Jehovah Jireh - my provider

Jehovah Rafa - my healer

Wonderful Counselor

Prince of Peace

It is at this name we bow. 

It is at this name that I have my strength and being. 

It is for this name we celebrate Advent.

Bowing low to wait.

Leaning in to hear and wonder at it all. 

Come Lord Jesus;
make us into a people that long to hear your name above the clatter of the season,
above the pain of searing grief and loss and
above any other name that distracts.

Let this great news, bring us great joy. 

Jesus Mesiah

Name above all names

Blessed Redeemer

Emmanuel

The rescue for sinners

The ransom from Heaven

Jesus Messiah

Lord of All

Advent: A Season of Waiting and Preparation

Sometimes the pain is so searing it leaves me dizzy. The magnitude of the loss overpowering. Gary plays a message on his phone and it rips my heart right open wide. His voice. Oh, how I miss it. I knew his voice. I recognized it. I knew his step on the stair. These things a mama knows. And when those things are taken away - ripped right away from this life, it leaves you reeling and teetering for something to grasp. Because the hurt and pain of this world cuts like a knife.

But there is a voice that I have come to know. It is the voice of the Master. The one who called me into being and it is His voice I need to decipher from all the rest. The shouts of despair and grief need to flee in the face of the Almighty. Because there is only room for the holy. 

And I have this one life. And I want to make it count. Even when there is grief and cancer and all my world is turned around. The only turning I want to do is straight to Jesus; straight into the path that He has for my life; and nowhere else.

It is the First Sunday in Advent. It is a time of waiting or preparation.
What does waiting look like? And how do we cultivate a life in practicing waiting?
Waiting on the LORD? Waiting for his guidance and direction?
Waiting for answers that may never come this side of eternity.

 I want to focus on the waiting and preparations.

My Christiana was born at this most holy time of year. I remember well the waiting; the wonder of it all. I want to lean into all that this season holds. All my emotions are raw and sensitive. We are wired to recoil from pain. But this pain needs to be pressed through; lived through, prayed through.
So we place our Christmas Tree. A symbol of life. I breathe deep the fragrance. I see with open eyes, all those that have gathered. I breathe through the pain of loss, through the missing and wanting things to be different. I close my eyes and listen for the voice of the One,
 who will Carry us through.

Psalm 62:5-8

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
    my hope comes from him.

Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God[a];
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, you people;
    pour out your hearts to him,
    for God is our refuge.

"For when I am weak, you will carry me. .  ."
"We were never meant to walk this road alone."

To Despair is to Turn Your Back on God. . . Day #9 of Thankfulness

To despair is to turn your back on God.

                                   -Marilla Cuthbert Anne of Green Gables

If I despair. Not only do I turn my back on God but I take away the hope that he has promised. 

Will I only take the good in this life and not the bad? 

Though it seems like the bad has tipped the scales.

But has it? 

Who am I to decide what is enough?

John 16:33
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. 
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

God himself is no stranger to the death of a son. 

He himself bore the pain of the sins of this world.

For me.

For you. 

And with every breath I have left I will praise Him.

Take a moment if you will. . .to listen to this to the end. 
John Piper finishes the video with powerful words for all of us. 

 The Lymphnodes they took, are cancerous.

Another bout of bad news in the litany before us.

Another battle to face. 

A battle we enter tired and worn.

And though you slay, yet I will praise you

Though you take from me I bless your name.

Though you ruin me.. .still I will worship. 

Because. It's not about me. 

Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, 
but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, 
I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Day #9 of Thankfulness

I am thankful for:

Cousins who stop in to visit just at the right time

Another cousin that had planned to visit so we don't have to be alone-

even before we knew the results

And yet another cousin-across the miles that breathes the Word into my soul

A faithful God forever

Nothing to fear He has it all covered

Even in death. . .there is life

Hope

Sisters in laws that will never let me go

My farmer 

 another journey where God can manifest his grace in so many ways

My mom who said, "My cancer has become a blessing"

My children who face adversity with such resolve and grace 

This community, while even in the waiting, reminds us of how close they are

God's word, it is never failing

We will walk step by step in his grace

Praising God for His presence in our life

Psalm 107:1

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Waiting. . .How Well Do We Do It?

It is 6:00 a.m when we leave the house.

It is still dark.

I pray while we drive.

Trying to calm the churning. 

I stare at the wall behind the bed. 

It is a familiar wall.

They must be similar in each place. 

I hold Gary's hand. 

I close my eyes, I see the wall behind mom's bed. 

All the tubes and machines. 

I am holding her hand.

Much smaller than my farmers. 

A beautiful hand with long nails, that even as life slipped away, she had manicured. 

Always on her own. 

Very few professional manicures in her life. 

I linger in the memories for a moment. 

But they are still sharp.

Our Pastor arrives and we pray.

He shares:

Isaiah 26 

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: 

because he trusteth in thee.

 Trust ye in the Lord for ever: 

for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:

I am struck by his quoting the verse from memory; in the King James.

This is a verse he knows. 

He has hidden in his heart. 

He reminds us, our peace is because we have stayed our minds on Christ. 

In this fast paced world of doing and doing. . . where do we put our thoughts?

Many spend time emptying themselves in quiet. 

What if you filled in that quiet with the Holy Spirit?

The One who gives perfect peace. 

The One who is our peace. 

Machines whir and they are ready to take Gary in;

in to surgery.

In to remove a cyst turned cancer.

But a straightforward tumor. 

I watch as they take him away. 

My stomach knots. 

I know better.

I need to surrender. . . all.

God has this all in his hands.

And the waiting begins.

Ephesians 2:14

For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one 

and has destroyed the barrier, he has broken down every wall.

I head to the cafeteria with Peter.

We talk, it is good for me. 

I begin to feel peace. 

I steady.

I head back up stairs.

Gary's sister is there to spend the day.

Together we wait.

It is almost 6 hours before we hear anything. 

There is sweet grace in those hours. 

Visits from friends who work at the hospital, 

or just happened to have a meeting that day. 

It helps with the waiting.

The news is good.

They were able to remove the tumor.

They removed lymph nodes. 

Now we wait for the pathology report.

Gary is spending the night. 

It is 9:00 pm before I get home.

It is dark again. 

I wander through the house. 

I greet the kids still awake. 

There are dishes.

There is laundry, book work, food on the counter. 

There is life. 

The forward moving of time. 

I head to bed.

I wait upon the LORD as I rest my weary head. 

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 

they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I will wait on the LORD.

I will walk in His presence as I mourn the loss of our son Elijah

as I wait for pathology reports.

As I live for Christ.

And as I thank those who continually hold us.