Reaching for More

2016.

It's here. 

With marching orders. 

Time. 

Progressing. 

At an ever increasing speed. 

Yet constant. 

Away from all that I know. 

Further. 

Towards the unknown. 

Time. 

I am glad 2015 is over. 

2 dear friends; gone to be with Jesus. 

A nephew. 

A father of 4 and a former colleague. 

Sometimes I can't face the loss. 

It seems that it comes so quickly. 

The weight. 

You feel. 

For others. 

But 2015 also held graduation for our now college girl. 

Visits from dear friends. 

A birthday party, for the double digit girl. 

Held at my friends 

who now calls heaven her home. 

Time with family. 

The news of another farmette.

Moments that I cherish. 

That can be overpowered by the grief. 

A tool used to discouraged. 

So beauty is not seen. 

Time moves forward whether our hearts are ready. 

Some moments I feel strong. 

The living rich and full. 

Always missing. 

Yet still ebbing forward. 

Other moments the defeat is great. 

The ache deep. 

So with eyes I glance heavenward.  

Psalm 121:1-3

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

2My help comes from the LORD,

who made heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot be moved;

he who keeps you will not slumber. -ESV

The source of my strength resides in the hands of the One who created me;

with a plan. 

For a purpose.

A beautiful gift. 

2016 is before us. 

Choices to be made. 

Walk each day in grace, seeking truth and direction as He wills; 

Or stay stuck in the muck and mire this world delivers?

It is easy to stay stuck.

 Succumbing to the grief and heaviness. 

To climb and reach high. 

Takes effort. 

Work. 

Putting off all that discourages. 

Taking a step of faith. 

So here I stand. 

With open hands. 

Ready. 

Waiting with expectancy for what will be. 

I am standing on that solid rock. 

Reaching for Truth. 

Believing. 

He will never let me fall. 

He will always walk beside us. 

No matter the struggle. 

May you reach for the grace that is given. 

Freely. 

It Is In The Gentle Whisper. That He Speaks

He's cleaning out. . . his room. 

My farmer. 

Spending time in his son's room. 

Picking through the pieces of a life. 

A life interrupted. 

Abruptly. 

I am left numb. 

Head gear for Wrestling. 

His uniform. 

Still here. 

A procrastinator; like me. 

Things we need to return. 

Dry Erase markers for his white board. 

His attempt to get organized. 

His belt.

I finger the holes.

One by one. 

I don't want this to be my walk.

The burning creeps toward  my heart. 

It feels like it is too much to ask. 

Too much to live this life without my son. 

Too great a request. 

The tears spill; trickle down my cheek. 

I can't stop them. 

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

 When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

I miss him. 

And no matter how hard I try. 

No matter how great our God is; the fact remains. 

It hurts. 

There is no way around the pain and the suffering. 

The walk is through the ache. 

It is in the midst of the grief that we can cry Holy, Holy. 

Holy is the Lord God Almighty. 

It is in the deep, raw places that we find rest. 

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest

He is worthy of our praise. 

He is where I put my trust. 

He, will give us the rest.

I search through the pile my farmer has brought down.

I finger each item. 

A memory. 

That's all. 

I dread looking into his room. 

I breath deep. 

I know there is purpose. 

I cling to what I know. 

Because all else fails. 

There is nothing solid in this world but the One who spoke in a gentle whisper. 

I Kings 19:11

So He said, "Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD." 

And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. 

And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 

After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; 

and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it,

 he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. 

I ascend the stairs. 

I survey the room. 

It looks so good. 

Everything in it's place. 

It's a step. 

My farmer needed to spend time alone. 

Grieving is hard work. 

It is an intentional turn each day toward that which is Holy. 

To stand on ground that is firm. 

To hope in the future. 

A future held in the palm of the One who breathed life into this world. 

I can feel the gentle whisper. 

I push away all other thoughts. 

I want to listen for that whisper. 

I want to push away all other sounds and distractions. 

Push away all the lies and false messages coming through from this world. 

The gentle whisper speaks of hope and strength. 

Found only in Him.

I thank God for Elijah's life. 

The Elijah of the bible. 

The strength to step onward. 

I am thankful for the years of Wrestling and Lacrosse. 

I am grateful for hours of piano playing and drums. 

Though these remain silent; My heart sings the melodies. 

It's the part no one can take. 

There will be no more memories. 

But the gentle whisper will fill us with the strength to accomplish His will. 

Because it's all about Him. 

The cross is offensive to many, 

while bringing strength to those who believe. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.

Can You Stop And Turn? Do You Have What It Takes?

It's the 28th. 

 Sunday. 

14 months.

Months, days, weeks, moments of missing. 

Days of seeking who God is; who am I in Him. 

I wake again today to the fight to get up. 

My soul is heavy. 

I cry out to Jesus. 

I just want to burrow in. 

Sleep some more. 

My heart;

Needs to change

There was a double sleep over last night. 

Church to attend, a rehearsal for a performance. 

And it leaves me with tears pooling and a heart constricting. 

There is no milk.

The keys to the van are missing. 

The other car is not working right. 

I need to make breakfast.

We have places to be. 

And all I want to do is be quiet. 

Run. Hide. 

I had planned a fun day to be away from the farm. 

To be together with family and friends. 

It seems to be unraveling. 

And my response is tense and harsh. 

The hot, churning within. 

These are the moments when we need to seek the holy. 

Not when we're all dressed and looking pretty. 

Now; in the dirt and grim; in the hot and churning. 

With tears pooling and words spewing. 

It is in these moments when we remove our gaze from the circumstances. 

We're so entrenched in the war we can not see the victory beyond. 

Even in the turmoil and grit, we can seek the holy. 

It's when we should seek. 

A walk with Christ is not when you're perfect and without sin; when all is going well. 

It's for the sinners and the downcast. 

For the lost and seeking. 

The broken and hurting. 

We are a people in need. 

When I was a little girl I loved to read. 

I would easily get lost in a book. 

I wouldn't hear my mother's call. 

The world around me faded. 

The characters; real.

The adventures; mine

In my closet I created a space with a pillow and a blanket. 

A flashlight. A journal and a pen (just in case I needed to write)

There I would sit for hours reading by flashlight. 

Undisturbed.

Content. 

Today I long for that quiet space; with pillows all around. 

The safety and holy.

The world is tipped on edge for me. 

And if I am not careful I will tip too. 

The chaos will not go away. 

Life begats life. 

And there is still much life. 

I turn to meet this attack boldly. 

I will face the chaos head on. 

I will look the pain in the eye. 

These circumstances will not change. 

But my response can. 

This is the work it takes. 

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

We need to consciously turn toward what God has for us. 

Websters definition ~

  turn-to cause (something or a side of something) to face an opposite or different direction

Psalm 119:57-64

I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes. 

I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands. 

Make an about face today. 

Take the time to turn. 

The breathtaking landscape around us is turning. 

It is shedding the old for the new; hope in Spring. 

We too can shed all that holds us. 

All that brings us down. 

Repent. 

Lay it all at the foot of the cross. 

And turn toward new life, new hope. 

In Christ. 

The struggle will end. 

It may not be this side of eternity. 

But we can meet the holy here. 

We can be filled and strengthened for the work that still needs to be done. 

We just need to turn. 

10th Avenue North. 

 Worn

What Preparations Do You Need To Make To Be Ready?

The frost wasn't too hard this morning.

We kept the house warm enough. 

My farmer turned the fire on before he left. 

I shudder to think how much propane we have used. 

We need to be prepared. 

As winter looms ahead. 

Wood needs to be cut. 

Air conditioners stored away for the heat of the summer day. 

Screens removed and the storm windows placed. 

All in preparation for winter. 

My freezer is partially full of summer's glow. 

Harvesting some of the bounty for later use. 

Still not quite there with all that needs to be done. 

Some steps; such an effort. 

Grateful for the gift of produce. 

It's like grace. 

A gift. 

Something we don't deserve. 

Our walk with Lord. 

Needing care and tending. 

Just as preparations for winter are imperative, so is the care for our souls. 

The intentional quiet before the Lord. 

Each morning. 

Spending time. 

In His presence. 

He doesn't need our fancy words. 

He needs us. 

Available. 

Still. 

Open.

Ready. 

Will you find that place today? 

Where the holy meets the harsh. 

Where God can breathe into your weary soul.

Where the striving ceases and grace infuses. 

Meet Him there. 

He's waiting. 

Psalm 46:10

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God;

 I will be exalted among the nations, 

I will be exalted in the earth."

Be still my soul. . . 

The Lord is on thy side. . . 

In every change - He faithful will remain. 

In you I rest. . . in you I find my hope. 

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

I spot them out of the corner of my eye. 

They were not there yesterday. 

The miracle of the warmth and sunshine.

In just a moment; things changed. 

Do we breathe in deep enough to handle those things that change so quickly?
Are we rooted deep enough to hold on?
In a flash we are knocked off balance.
With a word, our whole life changes.

Do we live so that when the storms come we have much in reserve? 

Enough to press through each day?
The time to cherish the unimportant.
Wind through the trees. A shadow across the field.

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Do you notice the scenery on the way to work or the store anymore?
What have you pushed aside?

Looking up today.
I don't want to miss a thing.
Even the pain.

Psalm 121:1
 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber;

Are You Able To Run The Race With Perseverance?

Miss you so much. Don't know if I can handle next year without you. #brother

This was Clarissa's face book post on June 20, 2013.
It's the picture of them on the first day of school; his Senior year. 

Elijah had gone on a trip the day after graduation.
We all missed him.
Boot camp was coming and we knew we weren't prepared.
He rarely left home.
His presence always here.
He wasn't one for sleepovers; preferring his bed to others.
Little did we know.

Clarissa and Thomas have devotions for Youth Group.  The topic; Perseverance. 
With the Olympics permeating much of our awake time; perseverance has been on the mind.

Story after story has been shared of an Olympian's challenging journey to reach the ultimate goal of the prestigious Olympic team; and ultimately a Gold medal.  

         As I listen to their thoughts and working through bible verses I think of how Clarissa has needed to persevere. She lives with a severe case of asthma and allergies. She has missed more and more school each year because her medicine is not adequate enough to keep her symptoms at bay. At the beginning of July her puppy was hit by car and died in my arms before she got home. 

It was heart wrenching for her. She had researched puppies that were safe for her and her asthma and saved her money to buy this little puppy. She had cared for and nurtured him since he was born. And now; in a moment he was gone. 

       Just weeks later she would endure the challenge of her life as I slowly climbed the stairs to wake her to tell her her beloved, older brother was called home to be with the King of Kings. Her brother, who was her mentor, friend and confidant. In a single sentence, I was shattering this young, precious girl's world. 

      Then came the diagnosis of cancer for her father, and I tell you, she was not surprised. 

She said she knew.

 Back when the growth became apparent. 

She would think; he needs to have that taken off. It's not a cyst. It's a tumor. 

She was a rock and asked specific questions. She rallied to this next blow. 

   Her face book continues to demonstrate where her strength comes from. She minces no words in expressing her feelings. Though sometimes I wonder at the bravado; and does she need a break? A break from the pain and the uncertainty. The pressure of honors and AP classes. Working, instrument practice, the demands of younger siblings and grief as her constant companion. 

  Thomas has lost one of his best friends. 

His dreams and hopes built together on mutual love for this country and the freedom to serve. 

A faith shared. 

An eternal bond.

So who better to speak on perseverance than Clarissa and Thomas.

 I applaud them for using their experiences to drive an important discussion. 

We may not be Olympians. But we are in a race. 

Time is ticking and life's journey continues. 

What is it that you need to persevere through? 

Are you equipped? 

What is in your tool box?

Most Olympians persevere through a course well marked out.

 Rehearsed, studied and ingrained.

Our course is well marked out. We just can't see the course. But there is One who does. 

And my trust is there. 

Elijah has stepped into eternity and he is now a part of that great 

Cloud of Witnesses spurring us on until that Great Day. 

Hebrews 12:1

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,

 let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. 

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

May you know that you're not alone. 

He's waiting for you. Knocking at your door. 

Love will pull us together. 

I hope you can take a few moments to listen to this video of  "Hold us Together"

We miss our drummer.

Our Highest Calling

I stare at his picture.
 I still can't believe he is gone. 
My first born, my flesh and blood. 

I touch the picture. Longing to touch that skin,
 to hear the sound of his voice; calling me mom.

I remember when he first called me mom.
Do any of us ever forget?
I had already lost a child that never called me mom.
So this was precious. Oh, so precious.
Those words came out. Words I had longed to hear.
So much wrapped in 3 letters. 

3 letters I will never hear from him again. 

I wrestle each day with how this can be God's plan.
 How such a fun, handsome, smart,
 well focused young man be called home so soon.

How can this be God's best? 

How does my heart cease to ache?

All the steps forward continue to take me further from the accident. 
Further from all that I once knew.
 Further from his presence here; from the joy filled days.
 I am not saying there can't be joy filled days now.
They will just be forever tainted.
We all feel it. Each time we gather for a picture. Or sit down to dinner.
There is someone missing. Each time I pass his room I long for him.
 I long to sit on his bed and chat. 
I long to remind him repeatedly to clean up his room.
To hear how his day went. Or what he is thinking or feeling.
There are still things I can't bear to move in his room.
Clothes he had thrown down hours before he was killed.
His scores from his shooting match.

 A life interrupted by a Higher Calling.

A calling I still struggle with.
Yet if I am living a life surrendered to the King of Kings,
then this higher calling is the calling that really matters.

The focus of life; seeking that which is true.
Where the messy, dirty of this life collides with the holiness of a Sovereign God.
My feelings and emotions are unreliable. 
I am tossed like the waves of the ocean.
There is only one piece of solid ground and that is the ground
 paved with prayer and a surrendered life.

Heaven is our goal. 
It should be sought with passion and fervency.
Instead, we dread or avoid conversations which deal with the eternal.
God calls us heavenward.
 Our calling is to be with Him. That day will come.

Jesus is coming back. 
We will all pass the way of the earth.

Are we living like that is our goal?
 Or have we set up home where moth and rust destroy?

Matthew 6:19
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.

What do we deem eternal? 
And where is our focus?

Your Grace Still Amazes Me

What I Learned From The Movie, Frozen

It happens later.

 After I have watched the film 

After I have been home; had a night's rest. 

While the farm house is still quiet. 

I ponder the movie. I always do. 

What themes are there? How could this be used in a classroom? 

What can we learn from this film?

It's probably why I rarely go to the movies. 

This strikes me as I get my coffee. 

Fear.

(I promise I won't spoil the movie)

It's fear that drives her away. 

Fear of what she possesses and what will happen. 

Fear of the gift she possesses paralyzes her. 

It is what keeps us from realizing our greatest potential in Christ. 

I am not a risk taker. 

I don't like change. 

I don't even move furniture around unless the kids want to. 

In the movie Frozen, even when she unleashes her gift and realizes it's power;

 it's not until she uses it for the intent it was given,

 that she has any peace or can live a life without fear. 

It trapped her and held her prisoner. 

How many of us live in fear? 

Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. 

I know that every day that leads away from the accident; 

each day we live with cancer; fear crouches at my door. 

I fear what Elijah felt when he died.

I wasn't there; to be with him. He is my child. 

Fear.

I fear the future and what it will hold. Will this cancer really be gone? 

How will these side effects permanently affect Gary? 

Fear. 

How are we to keep running this farm?

My farmer is tired. 

Fear.

I have already lost a child. . .will I lose another?
Each time the kids go out. It's there; fear.

I am grateful for God's word. 

It is the guide to help us out of fear. 

God speaks often about fear. 

Even those grown men, who walked with God, 

who saw the very essence of and heard from God through the Prophets, stepped into fear. 

But God was there. 

And He left much in His word for us to cling to in this area;

 to walk in the fullness of Christ as He intended. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

When we see our gifts as from the Lord; to be used and given as He intends;

 our life takes on purpose and fulfillment. Our fear is replaced with firm steps toward the goal which we have been called heavenward.

Philippians 3:14

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me

heavenward in Christ Jesus.

So, learn a few lessons from an animated movie; from the Giver of life. 

Let it go. Give that fear to God. 

Step into the fullness He has created for you. 

Do not fear.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity,

 but of power, love, and self-discipline

How To Make More TIme In A Day

I look into those beautiful blue eyes. 

His sons inherited them. One still growing, the other, his eyes closed for all of eternity.

I turn away. Tears threaten to spill over. 

I hate to see him like this. 

It breaks my heart. 

I have no control.
The outcome unknown.
The toxic cocktails supposedl, targeting the cancer that threatens to consume his life.
Yet the journey there, leaving him tired, and weak.
Stepping each moment in faith and hope.
Grace met us once again as one of the nurses prays with us. 

We are strengthened and encouraged. 

These glimpses of grace are such gifts and do much to spur us on.
My farmer is half way done with his infusions.
He has 10 more radiation sessions.

I ponder on how we are finding time to head into town everyday and spend the entire day on Fridays, when we struggled to find time to be together before this.
I don't want to go back to that old way of living.
 Finding time to be with your spouse is so important.
Intentional time.
 Holding hands and laughing.
We do that every time we go to the hospital.
Even when what we are heading towards is not fun.

Time.
It can paralyze us.
Motivate us.
It passes at the same rate year after year, moment after moment.
Yet some of those moments are fleeting and some drag on.
Time.
There are moments when I wish time would stand still. Like the night of Elijah's accident.
I long for more moments. 
My clock flashing for weeks because I did not want to change the time.
Time.

It's all we have.
God has given each us a certain amount of time.
The same amount in a day. . .just different lengths of days.
How will my life count? How will I listen to what God will call me too?
The laundry and dishes scream for attention.
Fatigue permeates most of our lives and the energy to put into our marriage is often displaced.
There are games, concerts and meetings. Emails to check and Pinterest boards to view.
We find time for things that matter.
And I want my marriage to matter.
It is a sacred vow, we took.
 In plenty in want, in sickness and health. . .until death due us part.
My heart cries for time. 
That the death due us part; will be far in the future.
But we know all too well, that is not for us to decide. 
The time we have is now and we need to be intentional.
How will my life count? What will I let scream at me for attention?
When our steps are surrendered to the one who orders them, our time will be used for his Glory.
As we let him write our "to do list" the important things become clear.
And time will be His.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

So make the time you have here on this earth count. Seek a to do list, that matters.

1 Corinthians 10:31
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, 
do it all for the glory of God.

"I've grown tired of earthly things
They promise peace but furnish pain
All of life's sweetest joys combined
Can never match those in another time"