Saturday, September 28, 2013

It's Been Two Months Since You Called Me Mom

It's been 2 months since you've called me mom.

2 months since I've heard you say good night.

2 months of living without you.

How can this be?

I have cried a thousand and more tears.
The ache permeates.
I stand in the doorway of your room
If I close my eyes I can still hear you, I can feel you bustling around.
I want this to be different.
I don't like this plan.
The pull of all the universe drives life forward.
But I still have one foot stuck. . .on July 27th. . .The last day you were here
and I don't ever want to take it out.

 I will look up to the heavens for strength.
I will celebrate the birth of our first grandchild.

I will sing Praises to our God in heaven. . .
But a part of me will always be broken and incomplete.

Gary said today, he struggles with wanting Elijah back; or going back in time,
because he feels like Elijah is where we want to be.
His struggle over.
My mind gets that.
Yet my heart cries out with all there is for it not to be.
I want another moment.
Another day. . .another year. . .
I want him here.
I long to find purpose in this.

As God works in us to heal and make us more like him, we need to yield.
He is making us into the people He wants us to be.
And His purposes are higher than ours.

Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Michael Card, How Firm A Foundation

"Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand."

My foundation is firm. I know to whom I belong.
And as I continue this journey here, I will seek to share that foundation.   
We have had so many come along side us for this journey.
We are reminded everyday that we are not alone.
I still receive the sweetest of cards, planned visits and spontaneous chats.
Dinners are dropped off, mums on the front porch.
All treasures of this community reminding us that they too loved Elijah.

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