Thursday, September 26, 2013

As Reality Sets In

As the fog lifts and my new reality sets in.
 I am confident only in knowing that my comfort is in the LORD.
I lack confidence in every other area.
I can not trust any emotion.
I made a trip to the Orthodontist with Ana.
I am reminded Elijah only had his braces off for a little over a month.
I head to Walmart.
First time in 2 months.
I don't like going there under normal circumstances.
There is nothing normal about me anymore.
I come undone as my youngest asks for Ramen Noodles.
Is there no easy way?

We head to cello lessons and the memories flood my mind as tears pour down
 my cheeks while our youngest has her lesson.

I read the Word to try and find comfort.
There is no rest.
There is no place where the memories do not rush forward.
I come home and look out into the back yard.
I survey the mountain and all that I have know for 20 years.
I see through to years of backyard birthday parties, sandbox roads and trucks.
 I see the structures that were recently put up so our man/boy could perfect his knife throwing skills.
His desire to be all he could for the United States Marine Corps..

And I don't know how to do this new family.
I don't know how to prepare food for one less.
I don't know how to move the sneakers still by the door.
Or what to do with the shoes full of glass shards. . .
I don't know what to do with the empty place at the dinner table.

I don't know what to do with my heart that feels like it's splitting into a million pieces.

So, I do the only thing I know.
I close my eyes.
I cry out to the maker of the universe.
He is big enough to handle all my emotions.
Even this.
He hears my cry.
Hot liquid trickles down my cheeks once more.
Oh, how many tears I have cried.

Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. 
From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

I am longing to know that the struggle ends.


  1. Oh, Tammy. There are no words. I will continue to lift your family up in prayer.

    1. Thank you. We are grateful for the prayers. We trust that God will fill our cup. . .Thank you.