Thursday, September 5, 2013

I Just Want to Shut it all Out

I just want to shut it all out. 
It's possible to just pretend He is at boot camp. 
13 weeks of limited, to no contact.
It's what was going to happen. 
I wasn't going to be cooking him dinner this week. 
His room would be empty. 
If only.
But life isn't built on if only's.

My life, since I was a child, has been built on faith.
My trust has been in the LORD.
And I will not stumble. 
Even when my world threatens to close in.
I will press on. 

We had to do some hard things today. 
Taking care of business you might say. 
I wanted to fight with everything in me. 
I didn't want to be doing this. 
Why does God call us to do hard things?
Why this road?

I really just want to shut it all out.
Yet, if I shut it all out, I will miss what God has in store.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
 perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; 
struck down, but not destroyed.

Our God is unshakable and immovable.
He is also full of mercy and grace.
It is that grace I seek.
And as I seek, I desire to be more like him in all I do.  . .
even in my grief.

I went outside on the trampoline with the girls.
 It was a beautiful day.

I then went for a walk with a friend.

I would have missed these things if I had succumbed to the darkness
that was threatening me most of the day and shut it all out.

After I had said good night to the kids. I stood once again in Elijah's doorway. I long to say good night. I long to tell him to have a good sleep. To hear his rough voice.  I think about all the years hollering "Good night John boy" etc. This time I cried, I walked down the stairs into Gary's arms and we cried. And we held each other. And we agreed, we don't like this.
We do not understand it at all. This is hard to wrap our minds around.
But we will stay strong.
We will praise our father in heaven.
We will not shut it out.
Even when it feels like all is threatening to become dark.
We will cling to what we know and have built our life on.
We will be still. . .there is a healer. . .
His arms are a fortress for the weak.

You are faithful God forever. . .


  1. Tammy, I start each of my days now looking forward to knowing how you and your family are. I wonder if you have had smiles and gratefulness in your day. It seems you always find a way for that despite all the pain you are enduring. Your courage takes my breath away as I marvel at your ability to express your painful experiences so eloquently that we can't avoid being on this journey with you. While I share your tears, I am humbled that you are being strong enough to be raw and vulnerable when you can. It's so important to healing. And I believe that this sharing is part of God's plan for all of us to share at this level. I can only imagine what a Mom would feel losing her child, but you have brought so many things closer to my heart that I will never take for granted again. You have to know there are many of us sharing your tears and pain as you walk this road of grief. But we are also sharing your love of our Lord as you praise Him endlessly, even in your confusion and unanswered questions.

  2. We are lifting you up before the Lord this day, every day. MBF

  3. Julie said it so well. I didn't know you before your family endured the tragedy incurred from Elijah's accident. However, your words & the presence of them in my heart have had an impact on my life. To not take things foregranted, to appreciate even the smallest gifts of the Lord & to feel your pain, pray for you & your family & do only what there is to do - Pray, pray, pray. I intend to meet you someday in person, Tammy, to give you that physical hug that I want to extend each day I read your words. The next time I visit Jericho, VT, you are on my list of priorities. You & your family are a blessing! xoxo Caryl Munsell, Ipswich, MA

  4. Amen Amen.. we are, too.
    starting over Coffee, we think of you. As the sun sets, you come to mind.
    Greatful for your witness... in pain and sorrow.. you remain so FAITHFUL...
    there IS a Healer. Amen.

  5. Tammy,. I know no human wisdom or comfort can take away the pain you and your family feel, but consider Deut. 33:27, "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath you are the everlasting arms." That last part, in particular, has kept me in one piece more than once. Yes, it's a comfort to know my security is the Lord, not walls I could build around myself or self-help methods dependent on me. But it especially helps to know when that, when my world is just too hard to handle, I don't need to have the strength to hang on all the time. You speak of hanging on, of continuing, etc, and that's good. But even in the times you just can't do it, know your heavenly Father's arms are under you, carrying you close to His heart like the loving Dad He is. And since He is, like the verse says, everlasting, that promise is forever. You'll never have to handle Elijah's death on your own, since, unlike your beloved son, He's not going anywhere. Praying for you guys.....

  6. Tammy,My heart aches for you and Gary. My sister is feeling the same pain. As you may remember we lost my sister-in-law, my sisters son, and then my Dad within 3 weeks. Are things better,
    yes. Do we not think of them every day, yes. I pray to the lord
    every day asking for the strength to handle all of the things being dealt our family. I draw strength from you and your writings. You are helping so many people. God bless you.
    Kathy Malone

  7. I don't know if you have ever heard of GriefShare, they are a Christian organization and you can sign up for daily emails of encouragement and they have support groups in churches all around the country. Just something you might want to look into, I know many people who have been helped by their daily emails and group meetings. Here is their website address if you are interested in checking it out.

    I know the verse above says we are not crushed, and that is true, but the pain of grief cuts deep for a long time, it takes time to even begin to truly heal. And yes, God is with us in that pain or I don't know how we would bear it and I would never want to go through loss without Him by my side.

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    2. Thank you for your words Kathy. We have heard of grief share. We may attend. Thank you for reaching out.