Monday, February 29, 2016

I Will Trust You, Part II, Even in the Desert

The Israelites were asked to trust. 
To trust God to take them out of a land. 
To bring them to a land flowing with milk and honey. 

The problem was. .
They needed to go through the desert first. 

The barren, harsh, desert. 
For forty years they wandered. 
Forty years they waited to see the land promised. 
For most of those who left Egypt, they never lived to see the Promise. 

Are you in a desert place? 

During these desert times, God is ever present. 
As the Israelite's traveled they were hemmed in by fire and cloud. 
God went before them. 
God was with them 
God went behind them. 

Many of you have contacted my farmer and I over this latest trial. 
We are so encouraged by your words. 

We sing a chorus during worship. 

"You are perfect in all of your ways."

We sing it over and over. 
It's not until about the time that I start to think, 
we have sung this line too many times, 
that I realize what I am singing. 
I let the truth wash over me. 
God is reminding me. 
Holding me fast. 
His ways are perfect. 
He is perfect in every way. 
Sometimes repetition is good. 
Sometimes it takes that long for the message to reach our heart. 

God is calling us to wait. 
We are choosing to be still.
Waiting to see what God will do. 
Hoping in the promises given. 
Knowing that our desert will not last for ever. 
One day;
the trials of this earth will be shaken for good. 
They will be cast off for all of eternity. 
For now we will rest in the Ancient Word. 
Place our feet on unshifting sand.
We will keep our gaze to the Cross. 
Where the battle was won. 
Where victory was claimed. 

No matter what happens. 
No matter the outcome. 
God is still good. 
He is worthy of our praise. 
He will bring about his plan. 
And above all; His name will be praised. 

I hope you will take a few minutes to listen to this song. 
The first few notes still bring such sweet memories of a wonderful
 time in my life. 
My High School years when God took me and began preparing me for all the was to be in my life. 

More Power 

"They that wait upon the Lord Shall renew their strength"

"Put on all His armor and fight the good fight, and in all our weakness we become so strong He gives us the power and the strength to carry on. "

Sunday, February 28, 2016

When I Couldn't See

My dearest Elijah,
It is Sunday Morning. 
February 28th. 
It's been 31 months since you breathed your last. 

I sit here by the fire aching from within. 
Life continuing its ebb and flow all the while something so not right. 

It is the pain a parent walks with each moment after a child has been taken. 
No matter how strong my walk with God. 
No matter how much faith I have; the pain remains. 
You are gone. 
My life here altered forever. 
I think of the sunrise that Sunday morning. 

The incredible grace bestowed on our family as we began 
the journey of living with out you. 

A heart in the sky. 
I didn't have eyes to see. 
Another parted the way so I could see. 
This has happened often. 
The view of another; giving great in sight. 
You see grief can blind you. 
The piercing ache and emptiness bubbling beneath the surface. 
Holidays and birthdays reminders of deep loss. 

So, Elijah, it was pictures this week that helped me to see. 
A post from Jonathan. 
Reminding me others remember too.

A chance meeting with the college girl in a friends room. 
A friend of a friend is there. 
You know how that goes. 
He's from Vermont. 
He played Lacrosse. 
He knows the friends. 
And this picture just happens to be in his photos. 

2 photo's I have never seen. 
2 gifts in one week. 

While we wait for another test to see if Daddy's cancer is back.
These photo's surfaced. 
Both of you. 
Both I have never seen before. 
Parting the way, when I couldn't see. 

While the pictures take my breath away and bring me to my knees. 

They also remind me of the great, great joy you brought me. 

I had 17 wonderful years with you. 
Tumultuous at times. 
But full of wonder and joy. 
Your sister is getting ready to have her baby. 
This grieves me that those girls will never know their Uncle. 
But God knew all this. 
He has known since before you were born the number of days you would spend here on this earth. 
While  I don't like his plan. 
We will keep on keeping on. 
We will tell those little nieces of yours all about their Uncle Lijy. 
We will tell them about the God of the Universe that created you;
and them. 

I miss you so much. 
I long to hear your voice; see that crooked smile. 
 I miss arguing over everything with you. 
I hate the thought of the accident morning. 
I'm trying hard to let God work in me. 
To use these broken memories for His Glory. 

We will go to Worship this morning Elijah. 
I look to the balcony each Sunday. 
Not because I might see you there. 
But because it's a habit. 
Always looking to see if you were there; and paying attention. 

I needed this chat. 
There's so much going on. 
Sometimes I just need to rest.
To remember. 
Pictures to part the way when I couldn't see. 
I am trusting with all my heart in God's perfect plan. 

Thursday, February 25, 2016

I Will Trust In You

He takes my hand. 
That farmer of mine. 
I ask him how he is. 
He says fine. 

he lives by the thought;
If I live; 
If I die;

 He asks me how I am?

I begin to weep. 
You see, because I don't want to lose him. 
Because I am tired. 
I am weary. 
I am tired of bad news. 
I know there is good in everything. 
I seek that which is good. 
But today. 
For the moment. 
I am not fine. 
I am sad. 
I am scared. 
I am numb. 
The CT scan showed some spots. 
Spots that shouldn't be there. 
Spots to a cancer patient can mean death. 
They can also be scar tissue. 
The tears continue to flow as I work through my thoughts. 
It's fine if my farmer is ok with dying. 
It's me that isn't. 
And there it is. 
When you walk with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 
There is no room for the me. 
There doesn't have to be. 
He has it all. 
He has gone before us. 
He will go with us. 

When we focus on the "me" our focus has shifted off the
 One who holds the key. 
The One who gives and extends grace. 
The One who has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.
The One that traveled to Calvary that we might have life. 
He bore all so we didn't have to. 
This same God offers us His promise. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I tell my farmer I can't do this again. 
I can't watch him go through chemo. 
I can't. 
I don't have it in me. 
How will we survive? 

It is not until the evening. 
When the farmhouse sighs in the quiet that I hear the sound of my Savior. 
I have this, He says. 
You can not do this. 
You have no more to give. 
No more strength. 
It is now that I will be glorified. 
No matter what happens. 

I sense the very presence of the Almighty. 
We are here on this earth to bring glory and honor to the One 
who breathed breath into our beings. 
Our purpose to bring about His Kingdom. 
I do not know the future. 
I only know this moment. 
And I am going to make it count. 
I'm going to breathe in the glory of the moment. 
I'm placing my eyes heavenward. 
No matter how this journey plays out I am going to trust. 

One of my readings in the Ancient Word has been through Exodus.
God is asking Moses to go to his people. 
To bring a message that makes them uneasy. 
He is asking them to leave a place where they are familiar. 
He asks them to go to the unknown. 

God was working a plan. 

Moses nor the Israelite's could see that plan. 
They needed to be open and willing to be obedient. 
They were being asked to trust.
 To leave a place that was home to travel to a place unknown. 

Are we willing to trust God
to take us places we might not be familiar with? 

My farmer and I are on a journey that is not familiar. 
We are being asked to be obedient. 
We are being asked to trust. 

I am holding tightly to the Promises set before the world began. 
The hope that rests in the Father's way. 
He has the plan. 
He is good. 

I may not like the plan. 
I don't have to. 
He will still do the work He has planned. 
Through it all He will be glorified. 

I am willing to take the journey. 
I am willing to see what He has in store. 
I will trust. 

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

Lauren Daigle
I Will Trust In You

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

In the Dark

The icy, wind creeps its way through the old windows.
Floor to ceiling exposure to the the cold. 
We gather blankets from the nooks and crannies of this old farm house. 
Trying to keep warm. 

With each blanket we fight against the elements. 
A struggle to keep winter at bay. 
With each blanket comes the dark. 

Warmth comes at a price. 

I fight to not let that darkness permeate my soul. 
It is so close. 
For me to fall. 
For me to surrender to the dark. 
To all the pain. 
To a future that will never be. 

There is construction at the accident site. 

Workers walking all over the place where my child took has last breath. 
Digging in the earth. 
Taking measurements. 
Again, I fight against the dark. 

How do you do the dark?
What do you do on those days when all feels lost?
When the steps are hard. 

We are a week in to Lent. 
Into the time of pulling away. 
A time of intentional focus. 
A time when the One who came to seek and save sought solace 
He dug deep to endure the coming wrath. 
He purposefully took time to be in Communion with the Father. 

I have noticed each evening the sun set is a little later. 

The sun rise. . .a little earlier. 
Small insignificant amounts, until you see them as a whole. 

I can not see the whole picture of my life. 
I have a very narrow perspective. 

With a perspective shift, I see differently. 
The quilts over the windows give a cozy feel. 
Shadows cast from the glowing fire give a warmth to the room. 
Small lights add to the homey feel. 

Creating an atmosphere of light becomes a fun task. 
Candles add to the ambiance.
Warm cider and hot chocolate dominate the table. 

Inviting folks to the farmhouse table helps with the dreary. 

It is in the dark. 
In the quiet that we are most vulnerable. 
The place where we can be real. 
Time in confession. 
Peace and restoration. 
These moments are gifts. 
In the dark. 

I am seeking more. 

Psalm 19:14
May these words of my mouth
 and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,
 LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Learning to find holiness in the mundane. 
In the hard. 
In the dark. 

My hope continues to lie in the One who tarried to the Cross. 
Who bore all so I might live. 

I am shaking off the dark. 
Stepping into the glow. 

Will you? 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

How Will You Spend Lent?

Today is the beginning of Lent. 
 Jesus' journey into the wilderness. 
A journey he took willingly. 
For forty days. 
The bible is quiet on what happened during that time. 
One is left pondering what the Savior endured.
We know his sustenance did not come from food. 
He feasted on time with God. 
He knew what was coming. 
His time; short. 
Death drew near. 
Yet he purposed on. 
He went to the wilderness so he could feast on the Goodness that awaited. 
When Jesus stepped out from the wilderness.
The enemy Satan was right there to greet him. 
He gave him no time or warning. 
He was right there to use the very thing he wanted most; against him. 

Our weary and hungry Savior faced this challenge the way we each should. 
Armed with the word of God. 
He didn't stutter and wonder what to say. 
He didn't complain about how tired and hungry he was. 
He didn't ask, if they could possibly to this at a more convenient time. 
He simply met adversity with Scripture. 

Matthew 4:1-11
And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. And the tempter came and said to him,“If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.” But he answered, “It is written,
“‘Man shall not live by bread alone,
    but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Satan tries to use Jesus' tactic against him.
 Quoting scripture.
But Jesus sticks to the only Truth He knows. 

Then the devil took him to the holy city and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, 
“If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down,
 for it is written,‘He will command his angels concerning you,’and
“‘On their hands they will bear you up,

    lest you strike your foot against a stone.’”
Jesus said to him, “Again it is written, ‘You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’”

 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. And he said to him, “All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me.” 10 Then Jesus said to him,“Be gone, Satan! For it is written,
“‘You shall worship the Lord your God
    and him only shall you serve.’”
And with the Ancient Word.
Satan was pushed away.

Then the devil left him, and behold, 
angels came and were ministering to him.
Over the years I have come to appreciate the challenge of adding an attribute of Christs nature for my Lenten challenge. 
Instead of giving up something. 
I try to work on an area in great need in my life. 
Aren't we all in need of challenges to be more Christ like? 
Won't you join me in this journey? 

Ephesians 4:22-24
that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

I seek that which is Holy. 
I long for the joy of surrender. 
My character is being shaped by the one who bore the
 scars for my sake. 
We journey to Jesus by way of the Cross. 

With knees bowed low and hands lifted high we are changed. 
Moment by moment. 
Grace upon Grace. 

Monday, February 8, 2016


She sent me this when the raw, clawed away at my soul. 
When the fog was thick and the missing of my son crippled my daily intake of breathing. 
She was my rock. 
Always there. 
Leading me to the cross. 
She made music where there was chaos.
And now it's been a year since she has danced on the streets of gold. 
And I miss her. 


I Say In A Whisper, I'll See You Soon, 

Because It's Not Really Good Bye

February 8, 2015

See you soon I say as I walk out the room. 
Tears stream down my face. 
I stifle the sobs that want to come. 
The ache so heavy. 
Another I love, so dearly, departing this life. 
Powerless to stop. 
Cancer rearing it's ugly head. 
This beautiful family. 
Servants of our Lord and Savior. 
So much living still to come. 
All, she will never see.
Grand babies growing. 
The youngest son unmarried. 
I receive the text that heaven opened it's doors to this beautiful soul. 
Her residence now eternal. 
I think on all the times together. 
Bibles studies. 
Antiquing and lunches. 
Music and books. 
Always laughter. 
Her laugh was like the twinkling of a million fairies. 
Her blue eyes sparkling. 
So encouraging. 
Always positive. 
A silver lining somewhere. 
Poise and grace. 
Coffee and tea. 
A vacation cut short to return to play the organ at the funeral 
for my father in laws sudden departure from this world. 
Such talent. 
The ivory keys brought forth sounds and style only she could coax. 
To watch her conduct, was art in itself. 
Beautiful music.
Walks and talks with another friend solving life's problems. 
Room makeovers. 
Discussions in the glow of the firelight as life marched on. 
And now her race is finished. 
The battle won. 

The words, 
well done my good and faithful servant,
resounding through out the heavens. 

She is released from the constraints of this world. 
Her glorious talent added to the Heavenly choir. 
And I am sure my boy greeted her with open arms. 
What a sweet reunion there must have been with all her loved ones. 

And aren't we all waiting for the reunion? 

Romans 8:18-22
 Consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.

The whole of creation waits in anticipation for Jesus' return. 
It is not the dead that grieve. 
They rejoice. 
It it those left behind that the grieving is for. 
So my sweet friend. 
I do not grieve for you. 
You are free of pain. 
You are home. 
We will all grieve, for us. 
For our aching hearts. 
For your dear husband and beautiful, beautiful family. 
For the immense loss here on this earth. 
For all the missing. 

So, I say again, in a whisper,  I will see you soon dear one. 

2 Peter 3:8
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: 
With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Just Before Dawn

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

The dark still lingers. 

Coffee perked. 
The morning sounds beginning. 
My farmer and girls; still milking. 
The pause before the day begins. 
One of my favorite times of day. 

It is the time I feel most in tune with my Savior. 
The time when my heart is full. 
When I feel strong. 

It is after my feet have touched the floor. 
The moments where my soul has been refreshed in the Ancient Word. 
Each day holding on to a truth. 
A verse to cling to. 

Holding a steaming cup of coffee. 
I breathe deep. 
I let go of the thoughts that seek to discourage. 
I hold fast the truth. 
I step into the newness of the day. 
This is work each day. 
I am ready for what God will send my way. 
There is nothing He and I can not handle together. 
I want to see where He leads. 
I long for lives to be changed. 
I long to be used by Him for His work. 

Won't you step into that path today? 

Lay down those burdens. 
Seek a better way.

With God, all things are possible. 

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said,
 "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."