Sunday, February 28, 2016

When I Couldn't See

My dearest Elijah,
It is Sunday Morning. 
February 28th. 
It's been 31 months since you breathed your last. 

I sit here by the fire aching from within. 
Life continuing its ebb and flow all the while something so not right. 

It is the pain a parent walks with each moment after a child has been taken. 
No matter how strong my walk with God. 
No matter how much faith I have; the pain remains. 
You are gone. 
My life here altered forever. 
I think of the sunrise that Sunday morning. 

The incredible grace bestowed on our family as we began 
the journey of living with out you. 

A heart in the sky. 
I didn't have eyes to see. 
Another parted the way so I could see. 
This has happened often. 
The view of another; giving great in sight. 
You see grief can blind you. 
The piercing ache and emptiness bubbling beneath the surface. 
Holidays and birthdays reminders of deep loss. 

So, Elijah, it was pictures this week that helped me to see. 
A post from Jonathan. 
Reminding me others remember too.

A chance meeting with the college girl in a friends room. 
A friend of a friend is there. 
You know how that goes. 
He's from Vermont. 
He played Lacrosse. 
He knows the friends. 
And this picture just happens to be in his photos. 

2 photo's I have never seen. 
2 gifts in one week. 

While we wait for another test to see if Daddy's cancer is back.
These photo's surfaced. 
Both of you. 
Both I have never seen before. 
Parting the way, when I couldn't see. 

While the pictures take my breath away and bring me to my knees. 

They also remind me of the great, great joy you brought me. 

I had 17 wonderful years with you. 
Tumultuous at times. 
But full of wonder and joy. 
Your sister is getting ready to have her baby. 
This grieves me that those girls will never know their Uncle. 
But God knew all this. 
He has known since before you were born the number of days you would spend here on this earth. 
While  I don't like his plan. 
We will keep on keeping on. 
We will tell those little nieces of yours all about their Uncle Lijy. 
We will tell them about the God of the Universe that created you;
and them. 

I miss you so much. 
I long to hear your voice; see that crooked smile. 
 I miss arguing over everything with you. 
I hate the thought of the accident morning. 
I'm trying hard to let God work in me. 
To use these broken memories for His Glory. 

We will go to Worship this morning Elijah. 
I look to the balcony each Sunday. 
Not because I might see you there. 
But because it's a habit. 
Always looking to see if you were there; and paying attention. 

I needed this chat. 
There's so much going on. 
Sometimes I just need to rest.
To remember. 
Pictures to part the way when I couldn't see. 
I am trusting with all my heart in God's perfect plan. 

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