In the Dark

The icy, wind creeps its way through the old windows.

Floor to ceiling exposure to the the cold. 

We gather blankets from the nooks and crannies of this old farm house. 

Trying to keep warm. 

With each blanket we fight against the elements. 

A struggle to keep winter at bay. 

With each blanket comes the dark. 

Warmth comes at a price. 

I fight to not let that darkness permeate my soul. 

It is so close. 

Waiting 

Patiently. 

For me to fall. 

For me to surrender to the dark. 

To all the pain. 

To a future that will never be. 

There is construction at the accident site. 

Workers walking all over the place where my child took has last breath. 

Digging in the earth. 

Taking measurements. 

Again, I fight against the dark. 

How do you do the dark?
What do you do on those days when all feels lost?
When the steps are hard. 

We are a week in to Lent. 
Into the time of pulling away. 
A time of intentional focus. 
A time when the One who came to seek and save sought solace 
He dug deep to endure the coming wrath. 
He purposefully took time to be in Communion with the Father. 

I have noticed each evening the sun set is a little later. 

The sun rise. . .a little earlier. 
Small insignificant amounts, until you see them as a whole. 

I can not see the whole picture of my life. 
I have a very narrow perspective. 

With a perspective shift, I see differently. 
The quilts over the windows give a cozy feel. 
Shadows cast from the glowing fire give a warmth to the room. 
Small lights add to the homey feel. 

Creating an atmosphere of light becomes a fun task. 
Candles add to the ambiance.
Warm cider and hot chocolate dominate the table. 

Inviting folks to the farmhouse table helps with the dreary. 

It is in the dark. 
In the quiet that we are most vulnerable. 
The place where we can be real. 
Time in confession. 
Peace and restoration. 
These moments are gifts. 
In the dark. 

I am seeking more. 

Psalm 19:14
May these words of my mouth
 and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight,
 LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Learning to find holiness in the mundane. 
In the hard. 
In the dark. 

My hope continues to lie in the One who tarried to the Cross. 
Who bore all so I might live. 

I am shaking off the dark. 
Stepping into the glow. 

Will you? 

When There's An Early Frost And No Heat

The steam from the cooking apples warm the kitchen. 

Soon there will be applesauce. 

There is going to be another frost.

We have no heat in our home right now. 

I keep the doors closed. 

I bring in the mums so they won't freeze. 

We pick the last of the tomatoes on my one plant. 

I'm such a gardener. 

The doors to the other end of the house are shut. 

We are hanging a quilt over the doorway to the hallway that goes upstairs. 

We need to conserve heat. 

The down part of a large home. 

It seems too early to have such a frost. 

A reminder of winters pull. 

In the morning I'll make hot chocolate, lots of coffee and 

cook something in the oven to warm the rooms. 

The kiddos will come clambering down to try to get warm. 

I will always be grateful for no heat upstairs and the pull of the warm kitchen. 

For now we'll head to bed. 

We'll add another blanket; find an extra pair of socks.

And make sure chopping wood rises to the top of the list. 

After haying, feeding animals, milking, repairs. . . etc. etc.

Good Night. 

All That We Can Not See

The Winter is showing all it's glory. Cold, crisp nights with a glorious display in the heavens. 

Psalm 19:1

The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

There is a peacefulness that settles over the farm at this time of year.

A quiet expectancy of Springs awaited arrival. 

All the work underneath is being accomplished. 

All that we can not see. 

So much that we can not see. 

God is aware of all.

He sees the bigger plan. 

We need to spend time with him, learning to trust in his unwavering grace. 

While we continue to grieve; and wrestle through living with cancer.

We are confident of the work being completed. 

We rest with confidence in the Author of this script. 

I step outside and survey the landscape. 

There is no way around this journey. The walk is straight through. The work painful and tedious. 

I breathe deep the grace given for just this moment. 

I gather the frozen laundry and head to complete the work God has called me to; for this season. 

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

This Road is Hard, and Long

Psalm 13

How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? 

how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

 How long shall I take counsel in my soul, 

having sorrow in my heart daily? 

how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?

 Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes,

 lest I sleep the sleep of death;

Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; 

and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

 But I have trusted in thy mercy; 

my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.

I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

I listen to a song, "shall I take from your hand the blessing, yet not welcome anything; shall I love you in times of plenty then leave you in days of drought. . .Let your will be done in me; in your love I will abide, Oh I long for nothing else as long as you are glorified."

So quiet my restless my heart. . in you. . .

The days are growing shorter. The dark comes quickly.

Daylight hours are precious and few.

There is still much to do to ready for winter. 

Many things demand our time and pull us toward the urgent. 

Yet our hearts ache and our steps are slow. 

This new journey doesn't fit well.

We weren't meant for death. 

We were meant for life.

And so all within us groans and tries to fight off the pain. 

We seek God's face.

We plead with him for grace.

We plead with him for strength for this journey.

My farmer works on the fence that he and his boy worked on together.
The pain searing like a knife.
Unexpected.
Death, the enemy, has taken his son, his friend.
And in the evening, with hushed voices,
 we talk of this ache and the purpose God has in our lives.
And how we are going to live with this factured family and
without our Lijy.

I delve into a new book. Desparately trying to use the mind that feels so foggy.

I balance check books, and agonize over 50 cents to get it "right." Something that is concrete. 

It can't be wrong. Numbers are constant. 

And so I find the error. 

Success. 

It is these little areas that I feel some control. 

Shortly after Elijah went to be with Jesus, a friend gave me a cd.

Come Weary Saints by Sovereign Music.

It is healing balm to my soul. 

I listen as I write.

I listen as I cry out to Jesus to please take this cup from me. . .yet not my will but thine. 

And I am reminded. 

We need to thank him for the struggle, for the fire.

And for the strength He gives.

For everyday.
God is still God even in the darkest night. 

I can not do this journey on my own. 

I hide in my Father's arms.

Because I am weak. 

And I long for things to be different. 

So, I turn and give thanks. 

I Count my 1,000 Gifts:

• Blue eyes that haunt my memory
• dimples
• lopsided grins as he turned and said goodbye, that one last time
• Friends
• Hugs
• Needlepoint at the backdoor remembering my red head
• Notes and cards with memories written in love
• College visits and a friend that comes with me to hold my hand
• Steps away from the accident leading closer to our home going
• The deep love of Jesus
• Daughters that love each other 
• A son that is trying to find his way with out his older brother
• A God that fiercely loves us and won't let go
• Friends who bring dinner when I am a weeping mess
• A doctor who still makes house calls and listens to all our fears and worries
• A husband that works so hard to provide for our family and never complains. . .ever

Deutoronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the Lord your God goes with you; 

he will never leave you nor forsake you.”