I Will Trust You, Part II, Even in the Desert

The Israelites were asked to trust. 

To trust God to take them out of a land. 

To bring them to a land flowing with milk and honey. 

The problem was. . . 

They needed to go through the desert first. 

The barren, harsh, desert. 

For forty years they wandered. 

Forty years they waited to see the land promised. 

For most of those who left Egypt, they never lived to see the Promise. 

Are you in a desert place? 

During these desert times, God is ever present. 

As the Israelite's traveled they were hemmed in by fire and cloud. 

God went before them. 

God was with them 

God went behind them. 

Many of you have contacted my farmer and I over this latest trial. 

We are so encouraged by your words. 

We sing a chorus during worship. 

"You are perfect in all of your ways."

We sing it over and over. 
It's not until about the time that I start to think, 
we have sung this line too many times, 
that I realize what I am singing. 
I let the truth wash over me. 
God is reminding me. 
Holding me fast. 
His ways are perfect. 
He is perfect in every way. 
Sometimes repetition is good. 
Sometimes it takes that long for the message to reach our heart. 

God is calling us to wait. 

We are choosing to be still.
Waiting to see what God will do. 
Hoping in the promises given. 
Knowing that our desert will not last for ever. 
One day;
the trials of this earth will be shaken for good. 
They will be cast off for all of eternity. 
For now we will rest in the Ancient Word. 
Place our feet on unshifting sand.
We will keep our gaze to the Cross. 
Where the battle was won. 
Where victory was claimed. 

No matter what happens. 
No matter the outcome. 
God is still good. 
He is worthy of our praise. 
He will bring about his plan. 
And above all; His name will be praised. 

I hope you will take a few minutes to listen to this song. 
The first few notes still bring such sweet memories of a wonderful
 time in my life. 
My High School years when God took me and began preparing me for all the was to be in my life. 


Petra
More Power 

"They that wait upon the Lord Shall renew their strength"

"Put on all His armor and fight the good fight, and in all our weakness we become so strong He gives us the power and the strength to carry on. "

What Does Trust Look Like When You Have Lost So Much? Day #9 of Thankfulness

He, the farmer junior, has gone to a banquet with a friend and her family. 
She, the farmers daughter,  is at work. 
Each time they leave, I hold my breath. 
Will they return? 
I become paralyzed, sometimes, when I don't hear from them. 
When I don't know what time they will be in. 
I sit and I wait. 
My heart weighs heavy. 
My thoughts run to accidents and death; police and funerals. 
It is work to grieve. 
It is work to trust. 
Because in that trusting it doesn't mean your wishes and desires will be heard.
Praying for protection for your kids and family doesn't mean that it will happen. 
It doesn't keep the police from coming to your door to tell you your
 17 year old met Jesus at a power pole. 
It doesn't stop cancer from reaching in with its claws to squeeze the life out of your farmer. 
It doesn't keep the joy thief from waltzing into your life. 
No, it is in the trusting and prayer that a rock solid path is established for when these trials of life come barreling in.
And they will come barreling in. 
Your feet are set on a firm foundation. 
Though you may bend and flail. 
You will not falter. 
Your hope is not set on earthly things. 

Colossians 3:1-2
Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 
Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.

As I work through these fears and trials. 

My eyes remain fixed above. 

All else pales in comparison to our God; 

to his immeasurable grace and goodness. 

He is Holy. 

He is able to take on all my fear, all my questions.

May you know that deep, rich love that only comes from above. 

As you lay your burdens down and take up the cross;

 may you step into gratitude; even for the pain, even for the heartache. 

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
Sunday; a Sabbath rest
Time for fellowship with other believers
Encouragement to walk this road
A time for corporate worship
The freedom we have to gather to worship God 
Lessons learned as we journey this road
grace that God gives so freely
Fundraising dinners and hope after cancer
Music 
my children that remind me to stop, snuggle, and love
a warm house; so, so grateful
coffee; hot, rich and delightful
days where it's hard to be thankful; there are many lessons learned
prayer
late night conversations with my daughter
waiting for my farmer junior to come; the wait is hard
the years I had with Elijah, each event and moment; I am blessed

I Thessalonians 5:17-18
pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; 
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 

Michael W Smith

Agnus Dei

When The Thunder Rolls

The rains came. 

The wind picked up and blew those storm clouds right over this farm;

and the fields where we were haying. 

The gusts strong and the temperature change severe. 

Loose items on the farm blew around. 

The thunder roars.

It is so easy to get discouraged. 

Everything hangs on the quality and the quantity of the feed. 

The rain is not a good part of the equation. 

Bale wrapping equipment can't run in the rain. 

Wet bales will not produce good feed. 

I wallow in the pit for a few minutes. 

I start to count the blessings. 

Really, the only way, is to look up. 

We stumble and fall when our eyes are cast downward.

Psalm 43:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?

 Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

My farmer is not alone. 

There are 4 other folks gathered around him. 

Working side by side. 

Standing in this gap.

The storm passes and there are rumors of rainbows all around. 

Not surprising after such a storm.

A reminder. A covenant made. With the covenant people. 

We, the people.

Who are kept. 

Look for the blessing in the day. 

God will provide. He will see us through. 

He's Said It Twice. I Need To Pay Attention

I've heard it twice. Each time a little different. But I heard it. And when God says something twice you need to stand up and take notice. The first time I heard it. It brought me to my knees. The conviction great. The torment real. The wrestling match begun.

The people of Egypt were willing to go back to the land of slavery: the very land that bound them. Back to the people that enslaved them and treated them cruelly. Rather than head into a new land, the promised land,  with God. 

It struck me. Am I willing to go into this new journey, unknown to me. . . with God; without Elijah?

Or do I want to go back and have Elijah with me?

These are questions that demand an answer. It will take time. Because in my flesh, I want Elijah back. I long to be with him. He's my son.

I find it again in a book I am reading. "Moses preferred to go nowhere with God than anywhere without him." (You'll Get Through This by Max Lacado.)

He's said it twice. In two different ways. I need to take notice. I know I prefer to go nowhere with God than anywhere without him.

If I am not going with God. Then I don't want to go anywhere. Where He is. I will be.

If that means without my son. Then I need to step forward in that. It doesn't say I have to like it. It doesn't say that I won't grieve with every fiber of my being. Because we are human. And grieving is hard work. Grieving your son, your flesh and blood. . . whom you carried for nine months. . . and now, torn from you is agonizing. It's twisted and hard to sort through. It leaves me raw, tired and spent.

 I need to trust. I  need to look forward to the future God has planned here.

Psalm 48:14

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.

Do you want to go nowhere with God, than anywhere without  him?

He Will Renew Our Strength

A wife loses her husband and 2 children in a tornado. Just like that. 3 members of their family gone.

How does a mom grieve for 2 children and her husband?

 Her soul-mate. 

I am familiar with the loss of a child. 

I know the searing pain. 

The overwhelming grief. 

I know the knee bruising prayer of pleas to spare my husbands life. 

To lose them all at once? 

My heart snaps. 

There is so much pain. 

I read the comments one of the daughter places on Facebook. 

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Words I too have quoted, spoken, relied on. 

They are words from Job.

Job 1:21

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: 

the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

A man well acquainted with grief and sorrow. 

Yet a man who persevered through his trials. 

The Lord does give and He does take away. 

It doesn't change His character.

Until His return we may never understand.

We take one step at a time. 

Each day, a step toward the cross. 

We are given grace for each moment. 

To rest in His promises. 

To serve Him with all our being. 

To let go of all that hinders our walk. 

To wait upon His timing. 

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;

 they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 

they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

He will renew our strength. We will not grow weary. 

He will equip us for His work. 

We are kept and we are loved. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord. 

When the darkness closes in Lord, 

Still I will say. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord. . . 

Blessed be your glorious name.

Trusting Is All I Have

It's the tears that come today. Not the words. 

Elijah's Baptism here on the farm. 

Psalm 100:5

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

First day of Senior year

Psalm 39:4

"Show me, LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; 

let me know how fleeting my life is.

Winter ball Senior year

Psalm 139:16

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

 all the days ordained for me were written in your book

 before one of them came to be.

The memories overpowering.

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; 

I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

my birthday 2013

Isaiah 54:10

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

July 28, 2013

I can only trust. There is no other way. 

Strength comes through the journey. 

Holding on to what I know.  

Because I will trust you. 

When Trusting Comes Hard

 I have a confession to make. I don't trust Him enough. 

At all. 

I get a call from a friend. 

She says I am not trying to be a nosy neighbor but I wanted you to
know your tractor and manure spreader were stopped by the police. 

I start to shake. 

I tell her thank you. I can't stop shaking. 

I call Gary. 

I hang up the phone. 

I sit at the desk and shake.
The tank could have flipped.
My mind races.
I relive the accident night over again. 

I hear God's voice.  Do you trust me enough?

 My shaky voice answers, No.

I don't trust you enough. At all.  

I am weary from this walk. 

My soul fragile. 

And a phone call can leave me undone.
I breathe deep until the shaking stops.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,
 for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;
 I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 I look out the window.
 Memories of children running through the yard flash through my mind.
I can hear them calling to each other.
I want to go back. 
I long for the days when the kids were younger.
When they were all in my care.
When I met their needs and cooked and we all sat at the table together.
No candle for a space holder.

And I stop.
 No marriage and a son in law.

No sweet Lilah Rose.

These are not my decisions to make. 
Long before the dawn of time these days were known.
I say so to my farmer when he comes in.
He says not me. I don't want to go back. 
I don't want to lose any ground. Heaven can't come soon enough.
Is it possible to stop living while you're alive?
To become so heaven focused that you're no earthly good?
I think the answer is somewhere in between.
I can't go back. 
There must be beauty in this new journey.
This new family structure.
Cedric pulls the tank and tractor up to the house.

He is so happy. Pure joy.
A farmer friend has blessed us with the use of their equipment.
And our boy is thrilled.
He needs this.
This is the reality now.
I can trust God with all of it. Even in the heart stopping moments.
I need to.
Another unexpected tragedy may happen. We are not immune. 
God is reminding us to;
Be assured that what ever does come our way it has passed through the hands of the Father first.

Jeremiah 31:3
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love;
 I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.


He loves us. Nothing can ever change that love. 
He pursues us with a passion. 
We need to respond. 

Micah 6:8
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, 
but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?

There will come a time when everything will not pass through the lens of an accident.
Of Police Officers in my home telling me of a terrible loss.
I won't tremble at the sound of sirens.
It's a new day. Won't you join me in starting fresh?
Seeking God; trusting that each moment of today is aptly in his hands.
Resting in the hope of His promises.

"This world has nothing for me 
This life is not my own. . .
I know you go before me and I am not alone.
I know you go with me and I will never fear.
I will trust in you.
Whatever may come our way. . . . we won't be shaken."

A Primrose And Rain

A primrose. 

I bought it the other day. 

Something about the "living" yellow flower drew me. 

Because this is my reality at the end of March.

I don't know how long I will be able to keep it alive. 

I water it and move it from sunbeam to sunbeam; when there is one. 

Today though, there is only the sound of drip, drip. 

The sound should fill me with glee!

It has warmed up enough to rain. 

Instead I am filled with dread. 

The basement will flood. 

What is it like at the barn?

What will the river do? 

This. will. not. be. good. for. the. manure. pit. at. all. 

But it's warmer.

And no matter what happens we will deal with it. 

We always do. 

It is the farming way. 

There is always hope. 

I'll keep looking at my primrose, while it survives. 

I probably should have let someone else buy it. 

I will listen to the drip, drip and think of the days reading 

"Thundercake" to the kids on the porch swing. 

I will head to Worship this morning.

I will place all my worries and cares in the hands of the One who has the plans set before us. 

He will equip us with all we need to walk through this journey. 

Really, He will. 

Do you believe it? 

He is able to meet all our needs. 

Maybe not in the way we expected. 

But He will. 

Philippians 4:19

And my God will meet all your needs according 

to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

The Partner That Brings Grace To Your Movements

Sometimes I just want off this road. I've said it before. To me it seems hard.

 At each door there is pain and heart ache.

 It's another journey to process and move through. There is a dance while moving through pain. 

The movements can be stiff and awkward. 

Or they can be smooth and graceful.

When you walk hand in hand with a partner skilled in guiding the way; the movements become fluid. 

I want things to be fluid. I long for movements that are graceful. 

What is it that creates the graceful out of the chaos?

Who called order into the cosmic disorder?

And don't we all long for order? Don't we long for things to be in its place?

(Ok. So it's a stretch for me to go that far)

But we long for there to be order. We want things to be nicely wrapped and organized.

 And when our dreams are shattered and life throws a curve ball we recoil. 

We question the chaffing and uncomfortable. 

Yet through these times the hand of the Lord is manifested the most. 

It is through these times that our character is refined.
We are taken through the fire. 

Our dross is removed.
We can't see the ultimate product but we know that it will be grace endowed.

What is this grace? Can we understand such a gift?
Philip Yancey in his book "What's so Amazing about Grace," says,
 “I would far rather convey grace than explain it.”

Are we open to receive such an extravagant offering?
I don't have answers. I am left with many questions.
Yancey also points out that,
"Any discussion of how pain and suffering fit into God's scheme ultimately leads back to the cross.” 
Even when there is this offering; many refuse the partner skilled in guiding the way.

I have chosen a life surrendered to the skilled partner. I lean into the difficult moves and twists and turns.
 I am unfamiliar with the routine and music.
 I have no choice but to let the master lead the way.
I hope when all is said and done; it will be a beautiful dance. 

We are promised dancing on the streets that are golden.
And what a joyous celebration that will be.

At The Sound Of His Great Name

"Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name

The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name"

~Natalie Grant

This journey is relentless. There is no escape. The weight of grief a daily struggle. 

I cry out. The enemy flees;at the sound of His great name. 

Our fears; have no place at the sound of His great name!

My anguish and my grief have been conquered. 

Do you know that power? 

Have you been washed in the blood? 

Can you stand on His promises?

When your world is shattered and your baby isn't ever coming home; when your mom has died of cancer and your husband now walks this uncertain journey; 

when depression creeps in; the joy thief~

Can you lift your hands high and praise the One who spoke; and order was created? 

I pray this for you.

 Because when life is tough; and the enemy crouches; there is but one place to go. 

This world is riddled with pain. 

Drug abuse is high, addictions soaring. Hurt abounds. 

But there is an enemy that will flee at the sound of "His Great Name."

Dig deep and fight off the demons that lie about your worth. 

Stand firm in the grace and mercy sent for you. 

You are loved. 

You were bought with a price. 

He meets you where you are and loves you enough to mold you into His child. 

Stand strong today on the promises given for you and me. 

The enemy flees; at the sound of His great Name. 

When you step into fear.

 Shout it. 

When you're discouraged call on His name. 

There is a battle. But we have the tools to overcome. 

We can stand strong in the face of adversity. 

All the weak; find their strength; At the sound of Your Great Name.

Don't We All Just Want To Be Loved?

My Youth Pastor spoke at our wedding. He performed the ceremony  in our field, over looking the beautiful, fall landscape and Mount Mansfield. He spoke on Love. (Big surprise! Right?) He quoted lyrics from secular songs. " I want to know what Love is", "Love; it never hurt so good". An entire society trying to figure out how to do love.

Well, I am adding my 2 cents today to the litany of love experts.

Love. It's not what you think. The romance and the chocolate. The flowers and the sex. It all has little to do with love. I know. Love has more to do with the sacrificing than the receiving. I saw real love in action. As cancer ravaged my mother's body and the memory thief knocked on my dad's door.  I saw. In sickness. . .He wouldn't leave her side. A man who never shed a tear in my presence but once. A man prone to forget the Anniversary but not the Football game. A man now desperately trying to find out why such a wonderful woman has to suffer. I saw him meet every need she had. I saw a tenderness I had never seen. I saw love.

Love. It's not what you think. It has little to do with money. (though really someday I wouldn't mind not having to scrimp every penny. But then I wouldn't know what I know) It has nothing to do with looks or the things thrown in our faces by media. I know. Because I have seen love. When my middle was swollen  beyond human imagination. In joy. . .When I am angry and bothered and want a vacation from myself. I have seen love. And when the unimaginable happens and the precious is torn from your life and you stand at your sons grave. In Sorrow. . .You see love. You feel love and you know love. And when the doctor returns your call and the diagnosis is cancer and you stare deep into each others eyes and everything you need to know is right there. That's love. And when the effects of chemo and radiation leave you barely able to stay awake or eat and you still go to the Diner because you know that's what she wants and you never complain. That's love.

I Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love. It's not what you think. I've received it. I've done nothing to earn it. He gave; the overwhelming grace sent by the Father. A love that transcends all. A life ransomed for mine. The assurance of eternal life. His life for mine. Love. What a thing. A love that will never let me go. . .ever.

Love has been demonstrated daily since our son was called home. Meals, financial support, hugs, flowers, letters, gifts, cards, acts of service, phone calls; the list goes on. The desire to help us stand when we can't find our way. The fruit of pure love.

Twila Paris~How beautiful, when humble hearts give, 

the fruit of pure love, so that others may live. How beautiful. . .Is the Body of Christ.

So if you're looking for love. I am sure "you're looking in all the wrong places". You'll find it when you lay to rest your son. You'll find it when toxic cocktails weave their way through your spouses veins. You'll find it when you give all you have to give and then some more. You'll find it when you take the "I need" out of your vocabulary. You'll find it best when the divine meets the sovereign and you hand over all that you are, all that you need, to the only One that will love you completely.

 I will take my hearts in the snow. Hearts on my clothesline and when the weather is too bad, strings of hearts in my living room. I will take the knowing looks. The graveyard visits and dates to the infusion center. I will remove the " I need, or I deserve" and seek to serve with all I have.

John 15:13

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.

An Unwanted Visitor Is Trying To Call Again; Depression Is Not a Welcomed Guest

It is one of those days where the gloom threatens to spill over. 

As I opened my eyes the weight descended. 

The life without Elijah.

Missing his presence in our lives. 

These days will come. 

The missing overpowering. 

The weight of the days necessity looming. 

I will not give in. 

Gary speaks of depression.

It's been almost 18 years since we walked that weary road.

A depression brought on by Elijah's birth 

and the switch from milking in a tie stall; to over night change to a milking parlor. 

Now brought on by Elijah's death and a walk with cancer. 

A time so uncertain. 

A topic rarely discussed. 

We will head to the doctor. 

We will pray. 

And I wonder what is it all for? 

All this pain. All this heartache. 

I struggle to keep my feet plated.  

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

My hope is only in the Lord. 

There is no other way. 

He is the lifter of my head. 

He is the solid ground on which I stand. 

He will raise me up and plant my feet on the ground he has prepared for me to walk. 

I will humbly submit to all that will come before us. 

 I will choose to seek joy. 

I will choose to step into the grace offered for this day. 

This path is not lined with an easy step. 

It is coarse and steep. 

Though I may not be able to see the path before me, I know each step is on solid ground. 

I am weary and another added burden seems outrageous to me. 

Yet, I am not calling the shots. 

I surrendered that right years ago. 

I walk by faith. 

Not by sight. 

II Corinthians 5:7

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

So today while the dark looms at my door, I will search for the blessings. 

I will turn those blessings back to praise. 

And the God of the Universe will pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. 

He will carry me through another journey. 

He will never let me fall. 

He will never let go. 

Ever. 

How is your journey today? Can you lay it all down and surrender. 

Can joy become your companion amidst the darkness of your walk? 

I pray this can be. 

"Remind of who I am to you,

Remind of who I am. . .

If I am your beloved help me remember

Tell me again lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to you"