Sunday, January 12, 2014

We Press On, In Jesus Name

It's the moment just before I wake.
 Just before my eyes open that it all weighs down
The magnitude of loss, the reality of cancer, finances hanging in the balance. 
It is in those same moments that the battle for the day wages. 
My whole being wants to burrow down in; refuse to go on. 
How can I? 
 All that I was created to be has been ripped from me. 
The day to day has changed for ever and the future for one, decided. 
A mommy shouldn't have to bury their child. 

It is wrong. 
It is hard.
It hurts.
It's unfair.
And I wish it could be different. 
It is in those moments, just before I wake,  that I choose with everything in me, to pray.
I stop any thought that enters. 
And I think only on the precious Name of our father. 

Psalm 30:4
Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people; praise his holy name.

I can't think much beyond that. 
I have grace only for the moment. 
It is in those moments that I step into the day. 
I don't know what it will hold. 
Some days I fear that. 
Each moment Clarissa heads out the door, I wonder if it will be my last with her?
Elijah walked out that door. And never came home. 
Each day the toxins pour into my farmers veins I wonder if this will work? 
Will these toxic cocktails and radiation do their thing? 

Will the farm stay stable through these rough and muddy waters. Everywhere I turn there is turmoil.
 My dad lives with memory thief storming his doors. 
I miss my mom. I long to talk with her. To share these burdens.
All this is too heavy to bear. 

I do not walk the road alone. There are those around us that have joined the walk. They are praying or have brought a meal. They watch our kids; send encouraging cards or notes. 
I do not walk the road alone.
The LORD walks beside me each step of this twisting and winding road.
Even better, He has gone before us. I don't understand all of his ways. 
But what I do understand is the peace that is offered. The promise of eternal life. 
There is hope. There is grace for the journey. 
In those moments just before I open my eyes, I step into the journey that God has for me. 
I will stand on those promises and be faithful to the end. 
My heart breaks. I miss Elijah with everything in me. It permeates every cell of my being. 
Every breath I take and move I make, longs for his presence. 
The pain sharp and piercing. 
As time passes it seems more so. There is a guttural cry that longs to have voice. 
A desire to turn back time to what it was. 
To what was before. 
Since the journey doesn't work that way we press on
We press on in Jesus' Name. 
We press on seeking the grace in which to live. 

Philippians 3:14
We press on toward the goal to win the prize for which
 God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

These were Elijah's own words, just a few weeks before his work here ended. 
He emphasized our need to press on. 
And so we will.
We will seek repentance. 

We will press on to what God has in store. 
We will press on to seek peace and joy. 
We will press on, until our journey is finished and we are called home. 

In Jesus Name we Press On. 


  1. Pressing on and praying with and for you and your dear family! Thanks for letting us share your journey!

    1. Thank you for praying. It means so much. Stepping one moment at a time.

  2. Praying for you and your family.