I Long For The Days Before The Accident, Before Cancer

Sometimes I want to be anywhere, but here. I long for the days. . .before the accident. . .

Times before death and cancer became constant companions. 

When life, though difficult at times, was full. 

The journey deep with joy and gratitude for these children and the 
journey we were on.

That life gone now.

Because we will never be the same.

Ever.

I can never wake up again without feeling that something is missing. 

Some days the missing is so hard.

It threatens to overwhelm.

I close my eyes.

 I picture Elijah, I long to see him and hear his voice.

 I long to see his future unfold.
I miss his wit and Davis gleam in his eyes.
Those beautiful blue eyes and fiery red hair. 
The temper, always needing to be squelched.

We wedding shop for Crystal's sister, Alaria.

 I see it in Crystals eyes. All that can never be. 

Dreams left unfinished. Promises made; unfulfilled. 

And this ache threatens to engulf.

 How can this hurt be turned upside down? What do you do when your heart longs for something it can never have. I can't turn back time. 

The beat; silenced. 
It is in these moments that God reminds me, that He is all I need. 

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

To seek comfort any other place is futile. 

I will continually come up empty. 

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

 As I struggle with understanding and moving forward, 

I need to surrender it all. 

I can't keep holding on to bits and pieces because He needs to carry it all. 

Letting it all go is hard. I want to feel in control of something. 

I watch as my husband becomes weaker and weaker; yet perseveres through. It is with this tenacity we need to live out our walk in Christ. 

It is in these moments of feeling low that there is a knock on the door.

 I have lost track of time. (surprising, I know)

 Brenda and her daughter are here.

 I knew they were coming. They had called the night before.

 They had something for us. 
She had read on my blog that I just wanted to hold my boy one more time.

She and her daughter have made a quilt, filled with pictures and scriptures from this blog. There are pillows. One for each of the kids. 
Something to hold. Something to have. 

God continues to use people on this earth to bless us. To wrap us in love.
  A reminder that He is not far away. 
He knows our hurt and our pain. 
And he is walking the journey with us. 

Be encouraged this day. Great pain and heartache may not be taken away.
 But there is peace and strength for each of the step along the way. While I long for the days before. My longing needs to be for the only balm that will soothe this aching heart. 

"Whatever will come our way, Through fire or pouring rain, 
We won't be shaken, no we won't be shaken, 
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken"

He knows my every longing. . .