Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Question I Don't Want To Answer

I know the question is coming.
It always does.
It is how we converse. But it is the question I don't know how to answer.
One I don't want to answer.
I meet a new friend.
Our daughters standing next to each other in the concert.
While we sit next to each other.
Since we have been homeschooling, there are a fair amount of students and families
we do not know anymore.

How many children do you have?

I pause.

I don't know how to answer this question.

Sometimes I just say 6;
the oldest is married and we just had a grand baby.
And the conversation moves on; because babies are cute and safe.

But what do I do with the question?
How do I answer?
How do I stuff down the searing pain, the tears that threaten to overflow.
The memories that come flooding forward.
The sinking feeling, the reminder;
he is gone. 
I stumble through the answer and share; We have 6 and one is with the King of Kings. 
Taken this summer.
The conversation ends.
It really is a stopper.
What do you say to someone who has had a child torn from this world?

Ironically the last song of the concert is Dance in the Graveyards.
Musically this song is a masterpiece.
The harmonies spectacular. The drumming uplifting and inspiring.
Elijah would have loved it.
Maybe he already knew it. . .but I can't ask him. 

They got so much right in this song. 

"All of us meant for the fire"

We are sinners. Bought with a price through the blood of Jesus
destined to live with Him forever.

"And when I die, I don't want to rest in peace, I want to dance in joy, 
I want to dance in the graveyard"

So while I don't know how to answer the "question".
I do know that I want to dance in the graveyards. 
That one day death will be conquered. That Christ will return and
He will take us home to live with Him Forever. There will be no more pain and sorrow.
All our tears will be wiped away.
And this is a promise.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or 
mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

And we will dance for joy. 

Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; 
you removed my sackcloth 
and clothed me with joy,

Our reunions will be oh, so sweet.
Longing for that day with all my heart.

And we will:
"dance on the streets that are golden, the glorious bride and the great son of man,
From every tongue and tribe and Nation will join in the song of the lamb"


  1. *tears* my friend (((hugs))). Such a difficult question.

    I have answered "6" when I have felt most vulnerable and knew I couldn't get into a conversation without sobbing if they asked where the 7th one was...or what are the ages, etc. After I answer that way though my heart feels the weight of not counting my Caleb as one of my children and have felt like I am saying that Caleb never was. I almost feel more despair after I say "6" then if I had just said "7" and let the tears fall. As time has gone by after my loss (5 years), time has made it easier to say 7 without the fear of questions that inevitably come.

    For everyone who has had such a deep loss, the answer may be different and feel more "right" to the person at the time. I never wanted anyone to judge me for the answer I gave. Caleb will always be a huge part of our family and I always carry him in my matter how much I want someone else to know.

    The one question that a mother, whose children are all still alive, loves to hear is "How many children do you have?". After one has experienced loss it is one of the questions, especially in the early days of the loss, that we fear.

    Thanks for continuing to blog and post on Facebook. You are an inspiration to many. Prayed for your family this morning while I lay in bed.


    1. Thank you Cheryl. It is a hard road. Caleb will always be in your heart as Elijah will mine, Finding my way in this new walk is hard. Trusting every moment to the One who authored our steps....