The Grave Could NOT Hold Him

Reposting, because I am remembering. 
Easter has always been about the Cross. 
Easter has always been what we need. 
Even when we don't understand. 
The antidote to what ails us. 
Always. 

He is risen!

Just like he said. 
His word; Truth. 

He is risen. 

He is coming back again. 
All of creation will bow. 
While we wait. 
We seek to live as He did. 
We bend knees to the ground in humble submission, as we ponder the walk to the cross. 
And as the day dawns we live in hope. 

Matthew 28:6
He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

We live in the grace of a RISEN LORD. 

Death could not hold him. 

Acts 2:24

But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him.

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Easter 2014

The boy leaves me undone. 

Most days are difficult. 

Each word is poison and I can't begin to help him. 

He's lost a brother.
 Dealt with his beloved father being so sick and he's 14. 

I would come unglued. 

He's still fragile in the faith. 

And he's lashing out. 

But sometimes there are glimpses of what is to come. 

The veil pulled back and the blue eyes shine. 

There is humor and there is a sensitivity, so like his fathers. 

This growing and stretching is hard on me. 

So, when there is a calm.
 I embrace it. 

When he leaves me undone.
 I count 1,000 gifts. 

I leave Lilies at Elijah's grave.

No headstone marks his space. . . yet. 

The Lilies a marker.
Something to do. 

Some way to serve.

I place them. 
Feeling the deep ache. 

And then I hear it. 

That blonde haired, blue eyed boy hollers out the window. 

He shouts it; loud;

Mom! What are you doing? 
Elijah hated those things. 

They stink. 

And right in the middle of the graveyard. 

In the deep crevice of missing and longing; I laugh. 

I cry. 

And I am sure I made other noises that are not becoming. 

But the grace that fills the heart when the laughter comes is warm. 

That boy has left me undone. 

Oh to be a people that can laugh and find joy 
even when the hurt is crushing. 

Psalm 30:5

weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I left the stinky Lilies at the grave. 

One for my mom, one for my son.

I brought the other home. 

One for my in-laws. 

I will plant that stinky lily somewhere here. 

I haven't been able to grow anything; but this, I will try. 

Maybe I will see it grow. 

If we can't bend and yield to the Savior's leading, 
we will be left behind. 

We miss the grace he longs to pour out on his people. 

Even in a graveyard, there is hope. 

I am reminded of the "Dance In The Graveyard" song Ana sang at her concert in the fall. 

The drumming brings me to my knees missing my redheaded drummer. 

He would have loved this song. 

For me, it showed the joy of the sweet reunion we all long for. 

Someday we will be reunited with our loved ones. 

If you have surrendered and bowed low to the giver of life, this gift is yours. 

We will laugh, and we will dance. 

Because, He Has Risen. 

Psalm 30:11

You turned my wailing into dancing; 

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

We Need To Be About The Business Of Turning. Is Your Soul Up To The Challenge? I Dare You. Day # 15 of Thankfulness

Most days I do not want to be thankful for anything. 
 I want to step into the pit that says woe is me and stay there. 
I want to let the pain over take me. 
Each day is work.
Work to surrender. 
It is a conscious effort to step toward the holy each day. 
I wake. 
I remember. 
I hand it all over.
It is the way of the morning; before my feet touch the ground. 
(even before coffee-some things need to be done without coffee)
All my thoughts, all my desires surrendered. . . an emptying.
Even before I get out of bed. 
Each day. 
Work.
Before death and before cancer, I was struggling with some issues;
parenting, financial, a cluttered messy house.  .   . to name a few. 
I felt powerless.
I was praying and praying, asking God for guidance. 

On June 21,2013
He gave me this verse as I was reading:

Psalm 119:59 
I have considered my ways and I have turned my steps to your statutes. 
I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands

I was convicted of ways I was not following through on obedience. 
It is in the act of turning, that Christ is glorified and that victory is found. 
When we turn from the behaviors that threaten to pull us under. 
We literally need to stop. 
And turn. 
From that which we know is not pleasing to God. 
After the accident and during cancer on 
October 21, 2013 God again showed me: 

2 Timothy 2:19 
Everyone who confesses the name of the 
LORD must turn away from wickedness.

We need to be about the business of Turning.
Turning our hearts to God. 

Psalm 22:27
All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, 
And all the families of the nations will worship before You.

Turning our thoughts to Praise

Psalm 150:6
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. 
Praise the LORD.

God has promised to turn our mourning into dancing. 

Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; 
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 
That is one of the beautiful things about a faith journey, hand in hand with the Lord. 
He commands, yet his commands are followed by promises. 
Promises which He is faithful to uphold. 

I dare you to turn today. 

Turn from the idols that hold you in bondage. 
Turn to Christ. 
Turn from the behaviors that threaten to pull you under. 
Turn to the one who created you. 
It takes effort. 
The ruts we have created over the years are worn deep. 
But with the Lord on your side . . you have nothing to fear. 

Romans 8:31
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? 
If God is for us, who can be against us?

There is none like him. 

Chris Tomlin

Our God - If Our God Is For Us

30 Days of Thankfulness~

I am thankful for:
a day spent with my girls
singing in the car with reckless abandon
finding my farmer son playing a game I haven't seen in just about a year
his creativity
a peaceful evening 
snow that is "sticking' around
the hope of a new day
that even when I wake with the heaviness in my heart there is a Savior I can run to
a steaming cup of coffee
a Savior that reached down made me new
the quiet hush in the morning before the farmhouse stirs
the opportunity to pray for the person/persons who are breaking into our cars
farming and the constant reminder to press on
mounds and mounds of laundry, that somehow just appears
dirty floors, which mean my house is full
this journey of thankfulness in year 2 of my grief walk

The Question I Don't Want To Answer

I know the question is coming.
It always does.
It is how we converse. But it is the question I don't know how to answer.
One I don't want to answer.
I meet a new friend.
Our daughters standing next to each other in the concert.
While we sit next to each other.
Since we have been homeschooling, there are a fair amount of students and families
we do not know anymore.

How many children do you have?

I pause.

I don't know how to answer this question.

Sometimes I just say 6;
the oldest is married and we just had a grand baby.
And the conversation moves on; because babies are cute and safe.

But what do I do with the question?
How do I answer?
How do I stuff down the searing pain, the tears that threaten to overflow.
The memories that come flooding forward.
The sinking feeling, the reminder;
he is gone. 
I stumble through the answer and share; We have 6 and one is with the King of Kings. 
Taken this summer.
The conversation ends.
It really is a stopper.
What do you say to someone who has had a child torn from this world?

Ironically the last song of the concert is Dance in the Graveyards.
Musically this song is a masterpiece.
The harmonies spectacular. The drumming uplifting and inspiring.
Elijah would have loved it.
Maybe he already knew it. . .but I can't ask him. 

They got so much right in this song. 

"All of us meant for the fire"

We are sinners. Bought with a price through the blood of Jesus
destined to live with Him forever.

"And when I die, I don't want to rest in peace, I want to dance in joy, 
I want to dance in the graveyard"

So while I don't know how to answer the "question".
I do know that I want to dance in the graveyards. 
That one day death will be conquered. That Christ will return and
He will take us home to live with Him Forever. There will be no more pain and sorrow.
All our tears will be wiped away.
And this is a promise.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or 
mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

And we will dance for joy. 

Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing; 
you removed my sackcloth 
and clothed me with joy,

Our reunions will be oh, so sweet.
Longing for that day with all my heart.

And we will:
"dance on the streets that are golden, the glorious bride and the great son of man,
From every tongue and tribe and Nation will join in the song of the lamb"