30 days of Thankfulness

The Halloween festivities are over.

The candy hidden away from other siblings.
Clarissa is still out. 

I climb the stairs to kiss the girls goodnight. 

I linger at his door. 

I look around. 

How does it come to this?

How can I be left to carry on?

Oh how I miss him.
My child, my son. 

I gaze at his airsoft guns. 

The clothes still not put away. 

His motorcycle jacket and helmet.
The ache remains embedded in my heart.

I think of all the mom's whose children have gone before them.
I can hardly pray.
It is more a groan.

I turn and walk down the hall to say good night to the girls.
I think how much their life has changed.
How will their life be different because of the death of their brother?
But it is all in God's hands.
Even these little pieces that shatter me.
Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD your God 
who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 
Do not fear; I will help you.

I head downstairs.
I make sure Gary is comfortable.
Clarissa comes home and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Will there ever not be a knot in my stomach?

I asked him not to go out.
I asked him to bring Crystal back to the house.
He was sitting across from me at the table.
He looked at me for a long time.
Those blue, blue eyes.
Did he know; 
this was the path chosen for him?
He had to do what he had to do?

These are all questions that have no answers.
Thoughts with no end.

It is the first of November.
The thankful month.

I Thessalonians 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; 
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Each year, a journey to purposefully give thanks.
It is a practice.
A decision.
Join me in 30 days of giving thanks.

Martin Luther nailed his 95 Thesis on the Wittenburg Door.
He sought discussion and change.
So much like today.
Our best effort at change is to change ourselves.

Thank you Lord for:
The lessons we learn in the hard times
For meeting us in our darkest moments
Surgery that went well and hope of a positive outcome
Times of waiting 
Meals, phone calls, cards, flowers, hugs
Pumpkins with ETD -he will not be forgotten
A community that has lost greatly and is not afraid to show their love
Mountains and open land
the struggle that changes us to lean more on Him

When we practice being thankful,
when we practice, not my will but thine, 
God is able to work.
He changes us, to be more like him.
I long to be more like him.
What about you?

And so I empty my hands. 
Fill up my heart. . .with you LORD. . .
Capture my mind with you. . . 
I need your grace.


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