Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Even in Death The Single Socks Haunt Me. . . Day # 6 of Thankfulness

It's the missing that stops me short.
The desire to see him.

To chat before he falls asleep.
I sit on the edge of his bed.
I close my eyes. 
Oh, how can this be?
I shake my head and look around the room. 
What do I do now? 
Pack up all his things? 
Relegate his life to a box?
My weary heart is not ready for this.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

I pick up the pile of solo socks I have taken from his sock drawer and walk down stairs.
Even in death the single socks haunt me.

Cedric has been wearing his clothes. 
I fold laundry and catch my breath on each shirt.
My second born son.
Now the only.
The only brother.
The energetic, sensitive child.
The one who feels more than most. 
His expression-through music. . .art-creativity.

He picks up the guitar one day, and teaches himself how to play. 
He writes a song for his brother. 
The painful emotions of a bond severed in two. 

And for this boy I am Thankful
Day # 6 of Thankfulness:
For his rapid entry into this world
The energy he brings

Sensitivity that leaves my heart swelling

Artistic expression
Musical ability
A mind that can create, dream and hope without boundaries

Blue eyes full of mischief, just like his father and papa before him
the farming blood that runs deep in his veins
his ability to make me laugh when I am so angry
 his desire to serve the Lord and wrestle with what authentic living looks like

his confidence in who he is

For not fitting into a mold and being ok with that

For having a messy room
For creating small scale farms
For loving his brother, forged through years of desperate battles

reminding me that life goes on and there is joy in the journey.

And this boy has not been to the barn on a regular basis since his brother died.
We have given him space.
He has now crossed that bridge.
It has been 14 weeks.
So, I pray deep and long for this boy.
And I give Thanks.

Ephesians 1:16
I have not stopped giving thanks for you, 
remembering you in my prayers.

I pour out my heart.
I step into peace that only God can offer.
Peace and assurance, that we are loved, that God sees the whole picture.

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