Keep On, Keeping On

The words on the pole begin to fade.

The area around the site; bare. 

The remnant of something. 

Unknown to passers by. 

A cross. 3 flags.

A memorial, one thinks. 

Each drive along that route, I cry out to the Father. 

I ask for mercy in this process. 

I beg for the pain to be softened.

I long to know why. 

Yet I don't remain there. 

There is still purpose and work left to do here.

The tension of how to move on and remember, pull. 

A desire to hide from all that is moving on; strong. 

Effort made each day to surrender my spirit and step forward.
So we will keep on keeping on.

Joshua 1:9
This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. 
For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

I am only strong when I am weak.
The journey to the cross purposeful.
Intentional.
Denying all for Him. 
Pushing aside the worldly chatter.
Trusting the process.
Laying it all down.
The steps and the path ordered by the giver of life.
Waiting. 
Our feet on solid ground.
Our hearts yielded and willing.
Open to the Spirits leading.
Stepping into joy. 

Stepping into purpose.
Clinging to promises.
Hope.
The words are fading. 
But the memories are alive.
The hand that hold us; strong.
I will redeem the last drive he took.
I will fervently pray that route each time; for years to come.
Do you have a route you need to redeem?
Is there a path you journey everyday and wish there had been a different outcome?
Come to the place where you are held. 
Take up the Cross and rest in the One who can redeem all different endings.
Give your soul rest and peace.
Eternity.

Matthew 16:24-26
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

I Chose An Evening Stroll. How Do You Choose?

It's getting late. 

Some days farm work feels like it will never end. 

The cows need more feed. There is not enough grass. 

It is so hard to stay optimistic. 

It's a nice night. 

It is just Ella and I. 

So we head up to the barn. 

We walk through the field.

The field Elijah and I worked in.

The field we wrapped and stacked bales. 

The memories are so vivid and real. 

Dobie comes with a load of manure for the pack barn.

The rhythm of the day. 

The comradery of farming neighbors. We chat for a bit. 

The farmer smiles.Yes, He smiles.  He tells a funny story. 

I wonder how many stories have been told by farmers on this land? 

Ella wants to drive the Swinger. 

I say no. 

The farmer says yes. 

I am amazed at how well she drives. 

Clearly driving lessons have been happening long before this moment.

She heads over to the barn. 

Those cows still need another bale.

She helps to place the bale into the shredder. 

My baby. 

No longer a baby. 

She loves being here. 

Ana helped milk and feed calves the other day. 

Ella today helps to shred the bale.

She backs the Swinger out of the barn like a pro.

Life is marching on.
I am glad we came out tonight.
I had a list a mile long, because the older kids were gone.
(Ok, I really just had a few ideas in my head)
This, by far, was the better choice.

These are happy cows, contrary to what California thinks.
Seriously.
See, she even smiled for me.
Each day we pack our hearts with as much grace as we can muster.
2 Corinthians 12:9
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness

The pastures are so peaceful. I gaze around at the new life springing before us.
The land a colorful palette of greens.
The master artist created such beauty and wonder for us to behold.
We need to have eyes to see.
We need to have a heart that is yielding.
We need to chose how we will live.
God will do his work.
He always does what He says He will do.
He never grows tired or weary.
Isaiah 40:28
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,
 the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, 
and his understanding no one can fathom.

Oh your cry has been heard, and the ransom
Has been paid up in full, be ye glad. 
Oh be ye glad, oh be ye glad.
Every debt that you ever had.
Has been paid up in full by the grace of the Lord
Be ye glad, be ye glad, be ye glad.

My Soul Is Well

It's the future that echoes.

The hollow emptiness that will ever be. 

It's what all parent's feel at the loss of their child; of a loved one held dear.  

It tears and pulls at the heart. 

A daily struggle to rise and count the grace given for the moment. 

It is deep anguish thrashing to consume. 

Stepping towards hope against the raging current.

Your son ripped from you in a moment. 

Searing loss. 

Moments that can never be again.
It's been 9 months.

The tears come wrapped in a cocoon of grace. 

The shattered fragments of my heart held tightly in the palm of the Holy Father's hands 

He covers us with his love.

The wages of sin; mercy extended on a cruel cross. 

Offered to you and me. 

Rising in the hope of all eternity. 

My knees buckle under the weight of all that's been. 

I cry out that it's too much to bear. The weight crushing. 

I long to be relieved from this present torment. 

As the wracking sobs subside.

I hear the music, It is well, It is well with my soul. 

My heart responds to the soothing melody.
The words permeate my soul. 

The song played at Elijah's funeral. 

Those life giving words pour over me.

It is well with my soul.

What ever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well with my soul. 

Hebrews 6:19
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 
It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,

It Is Well With My Soul 
The story of the Hymn by Horatio Spafford

1. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
2. 
   

   1. 
      

      1. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
      
      

      1. The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
      
      

      1. The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
      
      

      1. Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul. 

All Clutter Is Not Equal

My brother and his wife are coming for a visit. Now I have known they were coming. 

But it's not until the last minute that I decide to clean and make a plan. 

We are celebrating Christmas. 

I still haven't wrapped the presents. 

It's almost March. 

 I have wrapped some; but the rest still lie buried under piles of stuff in my room. 

What makes us all so different? 

How do some have such ordered and clean homes? 

Everything is fixed and nice and neat. 

Everything in its place. 

( My college room mate Carol, would continually encourage me with those words)

This is not a new issue for me. 

It's years of trying to decide where is that place supposed to be? 

I can cook for 50 people without batting an eyelash. 

I love people stopping over spontaneously for a visit. 

But I can't get the laundry done or keep the piles from accumulating. 

I have done FLY lady, keep it simple, declutter your home in however many days. 

I have hired someone to clean my house hoping the gift of them coming would help with the clutter. 

But it doesn't. 

The clutter continues and consumes; if I let it. 

Sometimes I think we let too much clutter our minds.  I become obsessed with getting the house clean. 

Honestly, I become a raving lunatic. 

I harp on the kids to pick up and vacuum and the rant list goes on and on. 

(you can ask my kids, they will not hold back. They love to talk about me)

Now maybe I should have done that before. 

But what were the options? 

What would have been the sacrifice choice for the cleaner house? 

 Would I  have them  miss playing outside in the snow with their friends? 

Should they give up their barn chores? 

Would I give up the last few conversations with Elijah because the vacuum cleaner was more important? 

 We sat and read an extra chapter in our read aloud book; should cleaning have been a better choice? 

These are things I ponder. 

I know I can do things better. 

There is always a better way. 

But at what cost?

The clutter in my house should not reflect clutter in my heart. 

And you know what? It doesn't. 

My heart is at peace. 

My soul aches and is desperately needy. 

But there is room for the Holy Spirit to be there. 

I am open to God's leading. 

I breathe in His presence in my life. 

There is not an absence of pain or heartache. 

There is not an absence of trouble. 

But there is peace. There is hope. 

Psalm 62:5

 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

There is room for God to step into the chaos and create order. 

This is also a season. 

How I long for my house to be clean and ordered. I long for rooms without clutter.

So while it's not perfect; there it is. 

What I long for more though; is a farmhouse with it's doors flung wide open. 

It's not perfect. But it's real. 

We're finding our way in the imperfection to seek Jesus here. 

In the grit and grime. In the middle of the laundry piles and other pressing needs. 

Come visit.

 Step over the clutter, find the way to the table. 

There will be hot coffee.

 I am sure a baked good, because people have not left our side on this journey. 

And there will always be time. 

Time to stop and sit at the farm house table, where we will meet with Jesus and the clutter won't matter. 

Where what's on our hearts will be laid bare before the Father and we will seek his guidance. 

Where we will sit with God's word open and search for truth and direction and how to love as He first loved us. 

Isn't that what we want? 

Isn't that how it should be? 

I didn't say I was giving up Pinterest, or the desire for a cleaner house.

I will just keep plugging away, while keeping the clutter out of my heart as the first priority. 

Psalm 51:10

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Monday Musings: How To Really Get Your Heart's Desire

As the deer panteth for the water.

We sing it in church. The Youth are leading Worship. 

My soul longeth after you. 

I sigh as we start to sing. It's one of those over sung praise songs. 

And I think it's lost it's meaning; until we sing this next line. 

You alone are my heart's desire

And I wonder, is He alone my heart's desire? Is He all I really want? 

I know the answer to the question. I keep on singing. 

And I long to worship thee.

You alone are my strength my shield

To you alone may my spirit yield. 

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship thee

He's not all I want. I know it.  I am too distracted. I want my son back. I long for Gary to be healed and not be going through this cancer and now depression.  God is not my only desire. I shove wanting a clean house, pinterest and other things first. 

I love you more than any other

So much more than anything. 

Do I love him more than Elijah? More than my children? More than Gary? 

I am supposed to. God first; in everything. It's the lesson God taught me after I miscarried; before Elijah. He is all I need. 

I want you more than Gold or Silver

Only You can satisfy. 

These are things I know. Only God can satisfy. He is all we need. He is all we should want. Our only desire. You can spend your whole life looking. You can try to make more money. Have more kids. Buy a new house; a different car. Lose weight. Get a better job.

 Nothing. 

Not one thing will bring you the peace that you will find in Christ.

Nothing.

 I dare you to try it.

 I dare you to find something that will bring you a lifetime of peace, 

other than the LORD. 

When your only desire is God; everything else falls into place. It doesn't make it perfect. It doesn't take away all the pain. The funny thing is, when we put Him first, He becomes our only desire. He becomes all we need. Things begin to change. All His desires, become our desires. 

God can accomplish His will. 

I want Him to be my heart's desire. My first focus. 

We continue to sing. 

You alone are the real joy giver

and the apple of my eye.

My Disconnected Saturday Thoughts

My Valentine's comes in all shapes and sizes. His hour; 3 a.m. His palette; the visible yard. 

Years of hearts in the snow, on the clothes line or even in the house if the weather was too fierce. 

Life size painted Cardboard heart.

Heart stomped in the snow. 

All his quiet way. 

Few words. 

They speak volumes. 

Proverbs 12:23

The prudent keep their knowledge to themselves, 

but a fool's heart blurts out folly.

The world is transformed with the new fallen snow. 

Peaceful and serene. 

I am sure to soon be broken when the sleep-over girls awake. 

But for now I will savor the quiet. 

I will let the Holy Spirit pour over my heart. 

I will soak in the Ancient Word as this new day unfolds. 

Here are a few gems to ponder:

• A poem, also a children's book. Memorized through the years by our kids. How we love the imagery. 

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

BY ROBERT FROST

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

•    A reminder of the selflessness of love:

•   Finally since most people have experienced a snow day recently, you might enjoy this gem. 

Even Before The Day Dawns. . . Much Work Has Been Done

Even before the day dawns much has been done. The farmer rises at 3 even through chemo and radiation. The cows need to be brought in, milking machines set up and milking started. Most of this happens while the rest of the world slumbers. Including me. It is not until 5 that I crawl out of

bed. These cold mornings it is more of a leap. I grab coffee and the Word to begin my day. Always coffee. Always God's word. 15 years ago, when I was in the thick of working and book work for the farm; an 11 year old step daughter, 2  children and one on the way, I prayed. I asked God to help me find time to be quiet. The noise and bustle of the day were overpowering and I would fall exhausted into bed each night. I had nothing left over. Each day full of the race to daycare, teaching, chores, and household upkeep. I began to rise a little earlier each morning. Praying that the kids wouldn't decide to awake early as well. And that morning time became my sanctuary. I filled journal after journal and spent time in the word. As the years passed. I longed to read the bible from cover to cover. Our pastor suggested a plan and I latched on to this method. It was a perfect match for this easily distracted soul. And so began my yearly reading through the bible.

I have maintained the discipline for more than 15 years; 

and this year begins my 6th year through the bible.

My refuge when I wake. 

My thoughts as I live out the daily grit and grime.

It has been my light in the darkest hours of my life. 

And it will sustain me through the trials that continue to be our companion.

It also leads us to joy in the midst of all the sorrow. 

We will continue to seek wisdom as we farm.

 I will continue find the time to be quiet. To listen for God's leading. 

To embrace the peace that is mine in the journey. 

Because I am weak; this journey is trying. 

As my cousin Dawn posted on her facebook;

The journey's difficulty has no affect upon God's strength. -- 
A thought you can carry through the day from my time with God in my kitchen this morning. It's good enough for both of us.

I will continue to rise early.

(Not as early as my farmer, there can be disasters when that happens,)

I will continue to trust no matter the struggle. 

And I will seek the joy.

Psalm 30:5

For His anger endureth but a moment, and in His favor is life; 

weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

To everyone who has lost someone they love, 

long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough

when you said goodbye

There is hope for the helpless

rest for the weary. . .

How Worry Is NOT My Constant Companion

Today we head to the hospital.

The questions we have had; answered.

The preparation for chemo and radiation will begin.

I do not know what this journey will hold. 

My spirit is weary with grieving.

Yet in my weariness, as I pass the pole, I see someone has placed a cross. 

I am later told it was Alaria, Elijah's girlfriends sister.

My weariness is from the unknown.

But worry has not been my companion.

Great sorrow, deep agony;

Yes, they follow me.

But worry has fled in the face of peace. 

Because peace has also been my faithful and constant companion. 

Sweet Peace.

It is a peace, not as the world gives.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. 

I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

It is a peace cultivated through years of surrender to the One that has called us into being. 

It is a peace stemmed from yielding day after day, moment by moment 

 to, not my will but thine.

I do not understand this jounrney. 

I do not like it.

I want out at the nearest stop. 

But I don't have a choice. It is here to stay.

But the Lord of all the universe is in control. 

He is a God who keeps his promises.

And he will be faithful. 

Philippians 1:6

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry 

it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

So, as we begin this next part of the journey, come what may, we will breathe in deep the Ancient truth. We will live with all we have for the One who ransomed His life for ours. 

We will work hard to raise our children left here on this earth 

in the fear and admonition of the Lord. 

(Goodness sometimes that is a challenge)

We will seek to endeavor to share this beautiful gift with those around us. 

And we will seek peace in this journey. 

As this road leads us through the Season of Advent. . . 

we wait with anticipation what God will do; here, in our midst. 

The Incarnation. 

Thank you all for your notes of encouragement. Words of wisdom from experience. 

And most of all your prayers. 

Oh, how we know that people are praying; we can feel them. 

Please listen to the words of this song. 

Word of God Speak by Mercy Me

Oh how they minister to my soul. 

Beyond the music, beyond the noise. . .

To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

When You Don't Feel Like Being Thankful. . . Day #23 Of Thankfulness

At times being Thankful is so hard. 

With all the grief and heartache, all the things that keep going wrong,

 it's hard to find the breath to be thankful. Inside burns; my whole world seems so fractured. 

Yet, I want to be thankful. I want to live the life God intended. 

I Thessolonians 5:18

give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

It is a decision to be Thankful. It is a lifetime spent seeking for that in which to be grateful; even in  adversity. Even when your world comes crashing down, and for a moment in time your heart stops beating. And your son is abruptly taken from you. Your red headed, smart, fully alive boy, is gone. 

Yet there is still life. 

 God promises the eternal. 

And while we still have purpose on this earth. I want to live it. 

Once again, I breathe through the pain. 

I breathe in deep the promise of hope.

And I exhale the grief.

I meet the trials of this life with the strength given for the moment. 

Because thankfulness is not just a holiday. 

It is a life lived  surrendered to the One who gave. 

In that surrendering is great freedom.

In that surrendering is sweet peace. 

And when life gets hard, we put our knees to the ground in prayer, and lift our voices in praise. 

We set our hearts on things above. 

Colossians 3:1-3

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

I still do not like this journey. I still want to shake it all off. Yet, it is here to stay.

So, I will count my blessings and gifts. 

My farmer and I will plan, as best be can, for what's to come. 

And there really is sweet grace along the journey. 

Day #23 of Thankfulness

I am thankful for:

a movie night spent with the family, with laughter and peace

for folks much wiser than I coming alongside my farmer to offer support

For movie tickets in the mail from Florida, sent with love

Time with my sister in law

visits with my niece and step daughter and their 2 children, such sweetness

The sound of the farmers steps on the porch

the tough parts of marriage that change who you are

possible help out of the seemingly impossible trial of emptying the manure pit

sleep;such a gift through these trials

coffee; and those who know I like it 

the times I had with Elijah drinking coffee and being together

letters from Parris Island and the honor and privilege to write back

I hope this day, this week, will not be just about the holiday, but a life time of giving thanks; looking for  beauty in the midst of the storm.
Continue to open my eyes, to the wonder, Lord.
Please, never let me go. 

Even in Death The Single Socks Haunt Me. . . Day # 6 of Thankfulness

It's the missing that stops me short.

The desire to see him.

To chat before he falls asleep.

I sit on the edge of his bed.

I close my eyes. 

Oh, how can this be?

I shake my head and look around the room. 

What do I do now? 

Pack up all his things? 

Relegate his life to a box?

My weary heart is not ready for this.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

I pick up the pile of solo socks I have taken from his sock drawer and walk down stairs.

Even in death the single socks haunt me.

Cedric has been wearing his clothes. 

I fold laundry and catch my breath on each shirt.

Cedric.

My second born son.

Now the only.

The only brother.

The energetic, sensitive child.

The one who feels more than most. 

His expression-through music. . .art-creativity.

He picks up the guitar one day, and teaches himself how to play. 

He writes a song for his brother. 

The painful emotions of a bond severed in two. 

And for this boy I am Thankful
Day # 6 of Thankfulness:
For his rapid entry into this world
The energy he brings

Sensitivity that leaves my heart swelling

Artistic expression
Musical ability
A mind that can create, dream and hope without boundaries

Blue eyes full of mischief, just like his father and papa before him
the farming blood that runs deep in his veins
his ability to make me laugh when I am so angry
 his desire to serve the Lord and wrestle with what authentic living looks like

his confidence in who he is

For not fitting into a mold and being ok with that

For having a messy room
For creating small scale farms
For loving his brother, forged through years of desperate battles

reminding me that life goes on and there is joy in the journey.

And this boy has not been to the barn on a regular basis since his brother died.
We have given him space.
He has now crossed that bridge.
It has been 14 weeks.
So, I pray deep and long for this boy.
And I give Thanks.

Ephesians 1:16
I have not stopped giving thanks for you, 
remembering you in my prayers.

I pour out my heart.
I step into peace that only God can offer.
Peace and assurance, that we are loved, that God sees the whole picture.