Remembering The Promise

The wind blows. 

It stirs me awake. 

I want to snuggle down and stay in bed. 

Some days I don't want to get up. 

This is one. 

I sigh under the weight of remembering. 

I fling my thoughts heavenward. 

I get coffee. 

This life is hard. 

The darkness hovers now; earlier. 

My favorite time of year. 

I want to see beauty yet marred by deep sadness.  

Plans are hard to make. 

So much clutters my mind. 

Time marching forward. 

Moving further and further from the accident. 

Further from my son. 

Yet closer to him too. 

Yielding more to Christ. 

The clouds roll in angry and threatening. 

The mountain is concealed. 

The wind; refreshing. 

There's going to be a storm. 

The air heavy with anticipation. 

 I want to anticipate the day. 

Yield to all that it will be. 

I am flinging the doors to the farmhouse wide. 

Letting in this breeze. 

Allowing it to wash over me. 

Resting in the finished work on the cross. 

The work already accomplished. 

Finding my way one step of grace at a time. 

Even in the storm there is a promise. 

What Does It Look Like To Praise God In The Midst Of The Storm?

Psalm 92

It is good to praise the Lord
    and make music to your name, O Most High,
 proclaiming your love in the morning
    and your faithfulness at night,

Don't you know it is good to praise the Lord?

It is the cry of my heart. 

When troubles come and the darkness settles.  It is hard to give thanks and praise.
When the bills pile high and the day gets crazy.
It is hard to praise.
When your son is killed and you watch your children grieve, it is hard to give thanks and praise.

Yet God continually encourages us to Praise Him through it all.

My farmer wants to feel positive about things.

Everything he looks at is broken or needs repair.
There's nothing he enjoys.
It is a battle. 
We try to find something good.
It is work.
Now with another hard loss.
Someone serving our family. 
Called home.
It seems too much to bear. 
So we go to what we know.  
We try to find the blessing.
Even equipment break downs can be positive;
It could have been worse.
Sometimes it is so hard to see the good.
Farming is unpredictable.
It is a life lived on the edge.
Usually invigorating.
No day like another.
But when you're world is turned upside down.
Putting it to rights takes effort.
Effort that doesn't come easy these days.


Do you struggle with your days? Has the joy escaped you?
Is it work to find the good?

We can start small. Like I did the day Elijah traveled home.
I got in the shower and I thanked God for the shower handles, the shampoo, hot water etc.
It was a step. 
A way to Praise.  A way to keep moving forward.
And that's what we need to do.
We are still here.
God has not called us to himself yet.
He is allowing all these other pieces to happen.
We need to wait with expectancy for what He will do.
Because aren't all our days lived on the edge? 
Find that space where you can be still.
Where God can breathe new life into you;
life abundant so you can pour into others.
Look for opportunities to serve.
Invite God to show up; to guide you where there is a need.
We are kept.
He will fill the void.
Hope.
He will restore the joy.
In His timing.
In His way.

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

"We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live.
It's unfair.
This is what it means to be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from life and you survive.
This is what it means to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
we'd be held. "

Do You Long For That Deep Soul Peace? Yeah. . . Me Too.

There was a mix up with appointments.

I needed to talk with one of the nurses.

We play phone tag over 2 days.
I seek peace 

We finally connect. 

We work out the appointment details.  

While I have you on the phone I say;

Are you able to give me the results of the scans? 

He says he can. 
We don't have to wait 3 more days for the results.
A mistake; used to give us answers.

I don't even know what to pray. 

I hold my breath.

But I think I have been holding it for months. 

He says the chest is clear.

Then there is a pause. 

My head spins and the bottom drops out of my stomach.
I brace myself.
A peace descends. No matter what.
God will see us through.  

He starts to read. 

Head and neck clear, typical radiation residue.
I exhale. 

He says he is glad to give us some good news.

He a believer. 

He who prayed with us when my farmer was first diagnosed.

He now tells us the scans are clear. 

I tell my farmer. 

And I start to cry.
The scans are clear. 

I can't stop. 

I start to shake. 

It is unbelievable. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel. 

The cancer is gone.
My farmer smiles.
He puts his head in his hands. He just wants to lay down.
He's so tired. 
The joy thief strong today.

I try to make myself feel joy.
It's not there. Not yet.
It's coming.
I know.
But right now;
I feel like a spring that was just sprung.
I am tired. I am worn.
This has been a battle.
I have fought with everything I have.
God has equipped us with all we need.
For it is only in my weakness that I am strong.
It is His power manifested in us.

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."


I am bone weary.
The relief we get is from the strength found in the Lord.
It is breathing deep.

5-26-13

It is seeking the quiet and perfecting the listening.
It is the hope.
Hope that there is a future.
Hope that this winter laden earth will yield to Spring time again.

Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, 
and I will give you rest.


Rest is promised to us.
As I seek the quiet.
That which is hard for me.
As I lean into the grace offered. 
I am restored.
My soul is at peace. 

The war wages on.
But there is a calm.

What do you do when you're bone weary? 
When putting one foot in front of the other is your goal for the day. 
What do you do?

It's Not for The Faint Of Heart. . .Or Those Who Like Steady

We are running out of feed. 

Again. 

Honestly, I can't wait for this winter to be over; yet I wonder what this coming year will hold.

We are heading into our dry time. 

We are micro-managing every penny spent and what needs to be bought. 

We want to turn everything around. 

We are so tired of struggling. 

Really. 

Everything is a struggle. 

Nothing seems fun. 

It's not supposed to be like this. 

When did the fun stop? 

When did we begin this downward spiral?

 I don't think it has as much to do with finances than it does our attitude. 

Farming is not easy. 
It's hard. 

It's not for the faint of heart or those who like steady. 

Farming is for the adventurous, incredibly stubborn and determined. 

Farmers are a breed unto their own. 

They see hope where others see none. 

We are going to get back there. 

There will be joy in this journey. 

I want this farmer to remember why he loves what he does. 

Why I left my job to stay home.

We're going to remember. 

I took a walk today. 

(Btw it was freezing)

I looked at that mountain.  

I thought, only heaven can be more beautiful than this. 

I can't see the future. 

I can't pretend to make everything go away. 

But I can close my eyes; breathe deep and let God work his miracle. 

 He is bigger than everything we are going through. 

Even in this; we are right where we need to be. 

That is where I want to remain. 

Right where He wants me to be. 

Psalm 121:1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

Monday Musings: How To Really Get Your Heart's Desire

As the deer panteth for the water.

We sing it in church. The Youth are leading Worship. 

My soul longeth after you. 

I sigh as we start to sing. It's one of those over sung praise songs. 

And I think it's lost it's meaning; until we sing this next line. 

You alone are my heart's desire

And I wonder, is He alone my heart's desire? Is He all I really want? 

I know the answer to the question. I keep on singing. 

And I long to worship thee.

You alone are my strength my shield

To you alone may my spirit yield. 

You alone are my heart's desire

And I long to worship thee

He's not all I want. I know it.  I am too distracted. I want my son back. I long for Gary to be healed and not be going through this cancer and now depression.  God is not my only desire. I shove wanting a clean house, pinterest and other things first. 

I love you more than any other

So much more than anything. 

Do I love him more than Elijah? More than my children? More than Gary? 

I am supposed to. God first; in everything. It's the lesson God taught me after I miscarried; before Elijah. He is all I need. 

I want you more than Gold or Silver

Only You can satisfy. 

These are things I know. Only God can satisfy. He is all we need. He is all we should want. Our only desire. You can spend your whole life looking. You can try to make more money. Have more kids. Buy a new house; a different car. Lose weight. Get a better job.

 Nothing. 

Not one thing will bring you the peace that you will find in Christ.

Nothing.

 I dare you to try it.

 I dare you to find something that will bring you a lifetime of peace, 

other than the LORD. 

When your only desire is God; everything else falls into place. It doesn't make it perfect. It doesn't take away all the pain. The funny thing is, when we put Him first, He becomes our only desire. He becomes all we need. Things begin to change. All His desires, become our desires. 

God can accomplish His will. 

I want Him to be my heart's desire. My first focus. 

We continue to sing. 

You alone are the real joy giver

and the apple of my eye.

Will I Ever Be Whole Again?

I just want off this road. I don't want to live without our son. We invest so much in our kids.
 We thrill at their successes and mourn at their losses.
Our days are ordered around their life as we watch them become all they can be.
Our family is a unit. Each with it's unique function; making us whole.
Our dream is for them to be all they can be in Christ.
We long for them to make this world a better place.
To bring change to this hurting world.
To be Jesus to the lost. 

To share hope. 

And when that dream is dashed; torn from you. 
We don't feel whole any more.
There is a huge void.
People say oh, you're healing.
I want to say how? How do you heal from losing your son?
What does that mean?
Where do we go? How do we move forward?
I think that we never heal. Things just change. Nothing can ever take the place of your child. 
There will always be a piece of you missing. Every moment of every day. 

Time continues its march. 

The days pass by. 

Birthdays, holidays.

All moving on. 

I continue, as if in a fog; though that fog has begun to lift. 

Ever so slowly. 

The veil pulled back just enough to make it through the day. 

And it's hard. 

I don't want to face each day without him. 

Everywhere there are reminders of his life. They are sweet reminders.
Yet they are reminders of all that is gone. Each time I drive by the accident site, another reminder.
 I gather all these reminders.
 I hold them tight.
And I remember to walk into the promises God has laid out before us.
I want to see beauty from these ashes.
I am broken. A part of me will never, ever be the same.
I am weak. And it is in that weakness that He is strong.
It is where His extravagant grace is manifested.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, 
for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

He will never leave us nor forsake us. 

I will continue to pray as I pass the accident site. 

Each picture I see I will remember to praise God for the time I had. 

The gift given; for only a time. 

As the memories come flooding in, I will remember, this is not our home. 

We are destined for heaven. It is there that we are complete.
It is there that there will be no heart ache and no more pain. 

I don't know why God took our son. I don't know why Gary has cancer. 

But I do know that we serve a living God.
I do know that we have been carried by the wings of prayer from this community,
from friends and strangers. We continue to be cared for in so many ways.
So even when I am broken. When I long for things to be different.

I will hold on tight.
And I will offer my broken hallelujah. . . 

An Unwanted Visitor Is Trying To Call Again; Depression Is Not a Welcomed Guest

It is one of those days where the gloom threatens to spill over. 

As I opened my eyes the weight descended. 

The life without Elijah.

Missing his presence in our lives. 

These days will come. 

The missing overpowering. 

The weight of the days necessity looming. 

I will not give in. 

Gary speaks of depression.

It's been almost 18 years since we walked that weary road.

A depression brought on by Elijah's birth 

and the switch from milking in a tie stall; to over night change to a milking parlor. 

Now brought on by Elijah's death and a walk with cancer. 

A time so uncertain. 

A topic rarely discussed. 

We will head to the doctor. 

We will pray. 

And I wonder what is it all for? 

All this pain. All this heartache. 

I struggle to keep my feet plated.  

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

My hope is only in the Lord. 

There is no other way. 

He is the lifter of my head. 

He is the solid ground on which I stand. 

He will raise me up and plant my feet on the ground he has prepared for me to walk. 

I will humbly submit to all that will come before us. 

 I will choose to seek joy. 

I will choose to step into the grace offered for this day. 

This path is not lined with an easy step. 

It is coarse and steep. 

Though I may not be able to see the path before me, I know each step is on solid ground. 

I am weary and another added burden seems outrageous to me. 

Yet, I am not calling the shots. 

I surrendered that right years ago. 

I walk by faith. 

Not by sight. 

II Corinthians 5:7

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

So today while the dark looms at my door, I will search for the blessings. 

I will turn those blessings back to praise. 

And the God of the Universe will pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. 

He will carry me through another journey. 

He will never let me fall. 

He will never let go. 

Ever. 

How is your journey today? Can you lay it all down and surrender. 

Can joy become your companion amidst the darkness of your walk? 

I pray this can be. 

"Remind of who I am to you,

Remind of who I am. . .

If I am your beloved help me remember

Tell me again lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to you"

Do You Long For The Struggle To End?

When I think I can't take it anymore. 

I breathe deep. 

There are 4 more days. We can do this. We can make it. 

My house is out of control. Insurances are waiting for forms, tax preparations loom. 

 I couldn't sleep last night. 

The first time in 6 months. I got up to pray and read those Ancient Words. 

I was reminded how the Israelite's were taken from their land. They were banished;

sent into an exile they had been warned about. 

Yet they were told to prosper where they were placed. 

Even though they weren't in their homeland; they were taken into captivity; 

they still had a purpose. Jeremiah 29:4-7

Even though great heartache and grief line our path; we are to prosper where we are. 

There is still purpose and there is meaning. There is hope. 

We are in the final days of radiation and chemo. 

We need to continue to be aware of where we can serve; 

of how we can share the grace that has been given to us. 

We are tired and worn. 

Yet through it all there is a reminder prosper where you are. Plant the fields. 

We have purpose and meaning. No matter how hard the road. 

I watch my farmer step each morning to the barn. 

I have watched for 20 years. 

A man born of routine and deep conviction. 

He has walked that well worn path everyday; 

even through chemo and radiation. 

There is purpose. There is meaning. 

Won't you walk that well worn path? 

Won't you find the peace and joy from a life surrendered?

Even in the middle of life's most darkest moments, when we are worn and tired;

 plant and prosper. 

There is a future.

There is redemption for those who trust; and call upon the name of Jesus. 

I have cried out these lyrics to this song since Elijah was taken home. 

I want to see redemption win. And I LONG for this struggle to end. 

But until then. We will plant and we will serve. 

I'm tired, I'm worn

my heart is heavy

from the work it takes

to keep on breathing

....Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

3 Months of Not My Will, But Thine

It's been 3 months. 

3 months of not my will but thine. 

The seasons have turned.

Time . . .has marched on.

"We will mark time now with the date. 

Not a day of the week. 

Though Saturday evenings into the wee hours of Sunday

will forever be etched in my soul."

I do not like this journey any better after 3 months. 

It does not feel comfortable. 

It is abrasive and unsettling.

Isiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I long to make sense.

I fight against the normal.
I long to shed this skin of this trial. 

I want things to change.

I long to go back 3 months. . . and a day. 

I still can't believe it.

 Most of that time I have been in a fog.

Life moving on, while I am suspended in some sort of in between. 

I miss my son. 

I miss his lopsided smile.

I long to hear his voice.

I long to yell at him for playing x-box when he should be studying.
I long to be making plans to see him graduate from boot camp.
I yearn for that which I can not have.

I long to feel peace in life I once had.

There was a future.

Hopes and dreams.

But this rawness.
It leads me ever closer to God.
I want to be faithful.
But it is hard.
How do you resign yourself to a God, that allowed your son to die?
How do you praise and seek his will, when his will takes your son?
I want to scream.
It is NOT fair.
And it is hard.

Yet, He is a good God.
He is good because of who He is, not because of what He does.
This earth.
This is NOT our home.
This is NOT where we belong.

And Elijah is home.
While I do not like it;
while my heart yearns for things to be different.
It's not.
This is my path.
This IS the road God has chosen for me to walk.
And as I stay close to Him.
As I lean into His will, He reminds me to be:

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. 
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the Lord your God goes with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

He is Faithful God Forever.

And it is on that solid rock I will stand. 

Even when I don't feel like it. 

Even when 3 months feels like forever.