Wednesday, February 12, 2014

An Unwanted Visitor Is Trying To Call Again; Depression Is Not a Welcomed Guest

It is one of those days where the gloom threatens to spill over. 
As I opened my eyes the weight descended. 
The life without Elijah.
Missing his presence in our lives. 

These days will come. 
The weight of the days necessity looming. 
I will not give in. 

Gary speaks of depression.
It's been almost 18 years since we walked that weary road.
A depression brought on by Elijah's birth 
and the switch from milking in a tie stall; to over night change to a milking parlor. 
Now brought on by Elijah's death and a walk with cancer. 
A time so uncertain. 
A topic rarely discussed. 
We will head to the doctor. 
We will pray. 

And I wonder what is it all for? 
All this pain. All this heartache. 
I struggle to keep my feet plated.  

Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

My hope is only in the Lord. 
There is no other way. 
He is the lifter of my head. 
He is the solid ground on which I stand. 
He will raise me up and plant my feet on the ground he has prepared for me to walk. 
I will humbly submit to all that will come before us. 
 I will choose to seek joy. 
I will choose to step into the grace offered for this day. 
This path is not lined with an easy step. 
It is coarse and steep. 
Though I may not be able to see the path before me, I know each step is on solid ground
I am weary and another added burden seems outrageous to me. 
Yet, I am not calling the shots. 
I surrendered that right years ago. 
I walk by faith. 
Not by sight. 

II Corinthians 5:7
For we walk by faith, not by sight.

So today while the dark looms at my door, I will search for the blessings. 
I will turn those blessings back to praise. 

And the God of the Universe will pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. 
He will carry me through another journey. 
He will never let me fall. 
He will never let go. 
How is your journey today? Can you lay it all down and surrender. 
Can joy become your companion amidst the darkness of your walk? 
I pray this can be. 

"Remind of who I am to you,
Remind of who I am. . .
If I am your beloved help me remember
Tell me again lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to you"


  1. Tammy, so sorry for this hurdle. In your own words, "a topic rarely discussed" yet one that has touched almost every family. Your talking about it may help just one more family be able to get it out in the open. Your family has had just so much to bear. Sending love and wishing for you all peace.

    1. Thank you. Depression is something avoided. Especially in the church. In some places it's viewed as lack of faith. . . I was in that camp once. Until I experienced it through my husband. Now with prayer, faith, and wonderful medical intervention we are able to stare this nasty disease full in the face.

  2. oh! Tammy i am happy that you said that.. i have been feeling that it is not ok, not rightious, not FAITHfull to speak of depression... thank you... yet again.. you are my Hero.
    - One Love Eternal, Ama

    1. Yes Ama. We need to speak out. Depression in real. It manifests its way differently in many people. But it is very real.

  3. Tammy, As a doctor explained when a family member was in a depression, this person is lacking in a chemical called serotonin. A person needs this to help them climb out of the black hole and feel joy again. That's what depression medicine does for them. If a diabetic needed insulin, we couldn't say there was a lack of faith that was at the root of the problem. Prayer and faith definitely help, but medical intervention is also needed. Thanks for sharing this. Praying for all of you...

    1. Yes Judy. I had a friend that shared a video with me when Gary was first diagnosed in 96. It was eye opening for me. Gary's depression was very situational, so he was only on medicine for less than a year. He has never had a reoccurance until now. It's very serious and not to be taken lightly. Loved your analogy. Thank you again for praying. . .