Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Fear. . .Slowly Strangles Trust

There are days I just want to make it all go away. 
I just want off this life I am living. 
The path is hard and unforgiving. 
The weight crushing at times. 
I long to shake this skin. 
I long to not ache.

I should be rejoicing. We are done with chemo. We are done with radiation. 
I should be jumping for joy. 
But I can't. We still travel to the hospital. My farmer's weight is dangerously low. Food a necessity. Eating to live. 
His body racks with cough from excess mucus from the radiation.
 His sleep disturbed each night.
I reach out and cling to this verse.

 Isaiah 41:10 
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 I have recited these Ancient Words repeatedly since the night of the accident; since the diagnosis of cancer. Fear is a sneaky emotion. It creeps in when you least expect it.
 It slowly strangles trust.
 It leaves you breathless, cold and alone.
 I know. I hang in the balance of fear and trust. 
A journey never difficult for me. Trust has been my guide. Faith my map.
These days the way is slightly marred. 
My heart longs for that which it can not have. My soul knows the way.
And the battle rages.
To trust is to step into the fear; to conquer the journey.
God has equipped us for this journey.
A journey straight through the searing pain and heartache.
He will be there through the journey. He will fight for me.
God always does what He says He will do. 

 Exodus 14:14
 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

God has our back. He's fighting for you and me. He knows the struggle. He sees the pain.
 He sees the whole picture. Our job is to trust. And be still

"In every change. . . He faithful will remain."


  1. Keep clinging to your faith Tammy! He is there for you through all of this; things WILL get better, prayers WILL get answered! Keep shroud in the gospel of Christ and keep putting one foot in front of the other!
    We all love you and are praying for you each and every day!

  2. You need to read the book Galatians by Tim Kellor. The chapter we just finished in small group was really powerful in the discussion of fear.

    1. I will have to do that. Fear or anxiety are things I have never dealt with until recently. It's a battle and a decision to stand against the enemies attacks. . .