Saturday, February 22, 2014

This Year; I Don't Want To Read The Annual Report

Yeah;  that moment when the Town Annual Report comes.

And you remember being excited because in it was the birth of your child. You save it. 
You want to remember for all of forever how this important monumental event is captured in the Annals of human history for all to see. 
Your child; in bold letters was born. 
You horde extra copies like they are gold,
so that your son will know what went on in the town during that time. 
 But now. 
The Annual Report comes.
Your heart sinks; your hands shake; your legs give way.
 You go cold. 
It takes your breath away;
and you wonder for a moment how you're going to breathe the next breath.
 It holds that which I don't want to read. 
There it is,
 sandwiched in between a classmates father and an 81 year old.
 The average age nowhere near 17. 

And my heart breaks all over again. 
The memories of that night; stuck on repeat. 
The night; time stood still. 

Sometimes the missing is so bad. It feels like it will consume.
To reach out and touch him; to know how he is feeling; to hear his steps on the back porch.
To walk by his room and hear the deep, steady beat of his music.
 All these I long for. 
And I know I can't know the why?
But I want "what" to count. 
What do we do? 
What comes next? 
What can we do now? 
What do we stand for?
(yes, Elijah loved that song so much)

As time marches forward and we seek to answer these questions;
we stand firm on the solid ground that we know.
We get real because this is hard.
We get real because we don't want to get stuck.
We get real because no matter how we want to slow time; it is ever marching forward.
God wants us to be real.
The stuffing of the emotions and the fake platitude; he doesn't need.
Life is hard. It hurts. It can be overwhelming.
The difference is we stand on hope.
A day is coming; and it won't be long. When every tear is wiped away.
When all will be made right.
The dead in Christ will rise.
We will stand before the Lord himself.
What a day that will be.
Until then, we rest.
Rest in the grace given for this day.
Be real. 

 I will save this Annual Report marking his death. 
I will rejoice for those 17 years; even though I want more.
 Even though the remembering causes my heart to constrict and
I wonder if I will ever be whole again.
Will you step out in faith? Will you reach out and be real?

There is hope. There is peace. There is grace.

I have unanswered prayer, 
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away 

I am trying to understand, 
How to walk this weary land. 

1 comment:

  1. Yes, there IS HOPE! The Lord does want us to keep clinging to him, even when it has to be moment-by-moment. We love you and are continuing to lift you up in prayer each and every day!