Do You Ever Cry Happy/Sad Tears?

Dwelling In Beulah Land 

Let the stormy breezes blow,

their cry cannot alarm me;

I am safely sheltered here,

 protected by God's hand:

Here the sun is always shining,

here there's naught can harm me,

I am safe forever In Beulah Land. 

The strains of the third verse echo in this beautiful church. 

The words wash over me. 

He is safely sheltered here. . . protected by God's hand. 

The sun is always shining. . . naught can harm him.

He's dwelling in Beulah Land. 

Elijah is safe from harm.

My boy; naught can harm him. 

I want to drop to my knees. 

That is his journey now. 

The sobs come. 

My poor girls. 

How can I tell them these are happy/sad tears. 

Tears of ache and longing. Deep Anguish. 

Yet tears of joy that I will see their brother again. 

That the separating is made bearable because of Christ's work on the cross. 

They hug me. 

I think they know. 

Not in whole. But in part. 

I'm living on the mountain, 

underneath a cloudless sky (Praise God)  

I'm drinking at the fountain that never shall run dry, 

Oh yes, I'm feasting on the manna from a bountiful supply, 

For I am dwelling in Beulah Land.

The fountain Elijah drinks from will never run dry. 

And he's feasting. 

That insatiable appetite; filled. 

I may long for my boy with all my being. 

Long to hear his voice. 

Cook his favorite meal.

See all his dreams and hopes fulfilled. 

I may despise this journey.

But I know. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

That he,

 my read headed boy, 

is feasting on the Manna with the King of Glory. 

We will One day all feast at the table of God's goodness, if we confess and call upon His name. 

Some call it religion. 

God calls it relationship. 

Some call is rules and regulations. 

God calls it Mercy and Grace. 

Ephesians 2:8

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--

and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--

May your walk today be full of the grace and freedom found in a life surrendered to Christ. 

I miss Elijah with all my being. 

I don't know if my farmer will live or die.

But I do know that one day, I too will feast on that banquet. 

I will dwell in Beulah land. 

And the reunion there will be great. 

 An Oldie but Goodie of Dwelling In Beulah Land.

Delight In His Sabbath

Isaiah 41:10

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you. 
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Words I cling to. 

Hope I claim. 

It is Sunday morning again. 

A morning for me that will always remain hard.

The conflict of loss; the gift of the Sabbath. 
Yet isn't the gift of Sabbath because of death?
One for all.
So there might be life?
Everlasting?
He gave all so we could all have. 
The goal of Sabbath; rest.
Leaning into Christ and the promise He gave with His life.
New life. 
Shed off all that hinders today.
Look for the rest God offers.
Seek the peace He longs to share.
Open your hands to receive.
Quiet yourself to embrace God's goodness.
Look around with eyes wide open.

His beauty is there.
There is joy beyond measure.
Rest in the Lord.
Delight in His Sabbath.

Isaiah 58:13
"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day,
 if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable,
 and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." 
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

When You're Behind Before The Day Has Even Started

The dishwasher hums because I forgot to start it last night. 

The washing machine whirls because for some reason it stopped full of water. 

Sometimes our water pressure isn't strong enough and it will stop mid cycle. 

So I start the dishwasher, get the washing machine going. 

And I already feel behind. 

There is laundry and a bag to fill.

There is quiet to find and bills to pay; children to teach, a farmer to love. 

We all have the pull of the urgent. 

The feeling of being behind. 

We are defeated before we even start.

Steven Curtis Chapman's song comes to mind. 

Do everything you do, to the glory of the One who made you. 

I Corinthians 10:31

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you 

do, do it all for the glory of God.

He's a genius for writing that song. He gets it.

Intentional living before the throne of God. 

Everything you do today is Holy. Every act. Every choice. 

It is all for His glory. 

Stop. Breathe. Let it all go. 

Give it all to the One for whom we live. 

Every e-mail you send, paper you write,

 diaper you change, business deal you seal. . . it's all for Him. 

I am choosing joy. Every piece of laundry I fold I will give Him glory. 

I will rejoice. 

Psalm 118:24

This is the day the LORD has made. 

We will rejoice and be glad in it

Look for ways to steal back the joy that has slipped away. Stand. On the solid ground. 

The ground that even when it shakes violently, you are able to remain standing. 

I will choose joy.

I will face the enemy with the Ancient Word. 

This day will be about searching for the joy where it is often not found. 

Seeking for holy in the work that feels the least holy. 

Yielding to the flow of the day; but not bowing to the pressure. 

As my dad used to say, 

"Chin up, shoulders straight, fly right"

Everything we do today will be for the Glory of the One who made us. 

An Unwanted Visitor Is Trying To Call Again; Depression Is Not a Welcomed Guest

It is one of those days where the gloom threatens to spill over. 

As I opened my eyes the weight descended. 

The life without Elijah.

Missing his presence in our lives. 

These days will come. 

The missing overpowering. 

The weight of the days necessity looming. 

I will not give in. 

Gary speaks of depression.

It's been almost 18 years since we walked that weary road.

A depression brought on by Elijah's birth 

and the switch from milking in a tie stall; to over night change to a milking parlor. 

Now brought on by Elijah's death and a walk with cancer. 

A time so uncertain. 

A topic rarely discussed. 

We will head to the doctor. 

We will pray. 

And I wonder what is it all for? 

All this pain. All this heartache. 

I struggle to keep my feet plated.  

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

My hope is only in the Lord. 

There is no other way. 

He is the lifter of my head. 

He is the solid ground on which I stand. 

He will raise me up and plant my feet on the ground he has prepared for me to walk. 

I will humbly submit to all that will come before us. 

 I will choose to seek joy. 

I will choose to step into the grace offered for this day. 

This path is not lined with an easy step. 

It is coarse and steep. 

Though I may not be able to see the path before me, I know each step is on solid ground. 

I am weary and another added burden seems outrageous to me. 

Yet, I am not calling the shots. 

I surrendered that right years ago. 

I walk by faith. 

Not by sight. 

II Corinthians 5:7

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

So today while the dark looms at my door, I will search for the blessings. 

I will turn those blessings back to praise. 

And the God of the Universe will pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. 

He will carry me through another journey. 

He will never let me fall. 

He will never let go. 

Ever. 

How is your journey today? Can you lay it all down and surrender. 

Can joy become your companion amidst the darkness of your walk? 

I pray this can be. 

"Remind of who I am to you,

Remind of who I am. . .

If I am your beloved help me remember

Tell me again lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to you"

Even Before The Day Dawns. . . Much Work Has Been Done

Even before the day dawns much has been done. The farmer rises at 3 even through chemo and radiation. The cows need to be brought in, milking machines set up and milking started. Most of this happens while the rest of the world slumbers. Including me. It is not until 5 that I crawl out of

bed. These cold mornings it is more of a leap. I grab coffee and the Word to begin my day. Always coffee. Always God's word. 15 years ago, when I was in the thick of working and book work for the farm; an 11 year old step daughter, 2  children and one on the way, I prayed. I asked God to help me find time to be quiet. The noise and bustle of the day were overpowering and I would fall exhausted into bed each night. I had nothing left over. Each day full of the race to daycare, teaching, chores, and household upkeep. I began to rise a little earlier each morning. Praying that the kids wouldn't decide to awake early as well. And that morning time became my sanctuary. I filled journal after journal and spent time in the word. As the years passed. I longed to read the bible from cover to cover. Our pastor suggested a plan and I latched on to this method. It was a perfect match for this easily distracted soul. And so began my yearly reading through the bible.

I have maintained the discipline for more than 15 years; 

and this year begins my 6th year through the bible.

My refuge when I wake. 

My thoughts as I live out the daily grit and grime.

It has been my light in the darkest hours of my life. 

And it will sustain me through the trials that continue to be our companion.

It also leads us to joy in the midst of all the sorrow. 

We will continue to seek wisdom as we farm.

 I will continue find the time to be quiet. To listen for God's leading. 

To embrace the peace that is mine in the journey. 

Because I am weak; this journey is trying. 

As my cousin Dawn posted on her facebook;

The journey's difficulty has no affect upon God's strength. -- 
A thought you can carry through the day from my time with God in my kitchen this morning. It's good enough for both of us.

I will continue to rise early.

(Not as early as my farmer, there can be disasters when that happens,)

I will continue to trust no matter the struggle. 

And I will seek the joy.

Psalm 30:5

For His anger endureth but a moment, and in His favor is life; 

weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

To everyone who has lost someone they love, 

long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough

when you said goodbye

There is hope for the helpless

rest for the weary. . .

Finding Joy And Grace For This Very Moment

Before I even open my eyes, I feel it. 

I have a headache and the missing is there. 

Some days it is not so apparent. 

But today it will be my constant companion. 

The deep longing. 

I want to wriggle out of this skin. 

I want all that has been lost to be restored. 

But it can't.

The weight of the loss and what the future will hold threatens to pull me down. 

The hot burning has returned. 

I make coffee and look at the piles of laundry and book work still needing attention. 

The floors that need to be mopped, 

the clutter of the Christmas tree and all that comes with entertaining.

Yet I will spend the day at the hospital. 

And some days I just wonder what is this all for? 

What is the purpose in all this suffering; in the laundry and the cooking, the decorating. 

I know there is none, absolutely no purpose, apart from Christ. 

It is in him that we move and have our being. 

Acts 17:28

For in him we live and move and have our being.' 

As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'

It is for Him that I live. For His purpose. To work out our salvation each day. 

Philippians 2:12

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence,

 but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,

That is the purpose to each day. To seek His face. To find that which is holy. 

How do we share the peace that passes all understanding. . .

even in the midst of death, cancer, financial strain. 

God is still there through it all. 

There are lessons to learn. 

There is joy to be found. 

Blessings to count. 

We had visitors yesterday. The kind that bring joy to my heart.

  Elijah's friends.

Friends who hold memories and stories that bring smiles to the room. Stories that remind you of the wonderful young man he was. Stories that link you close for a moment. 

And it is there I must remain. 

In the memories, in he hope that all will one day be restored. 

That Christ wills and purposes in each of us, each day, who are called by his name. 

The laundry will wait. The book work will wait. 

 I will have a date with my farmer.

I will snuggle with the kiddos who will still let me. 

We will stay warm because people gathered in community to serve. 

The impact and magnitude of that event is still with me. 

Though I still wandered in a dense fog, I knew the importance of this gift.

But I didn't know how important it would become. 

Or how our world would continue to change.

Each day that we are warm and no one has to head to 

 the woods for a bucket of wood I am deeply grateful. 

There is hope. 

And no matter how hard it gets or how unsteady the ground feels.

There is still One who knows the future. One who not for a moment turns His head. 

So today I will reach deep down to the hurt and the pain of loss and the fear of the unknown and I will seek the hope that is there.

I will spend the day on a date with my farmer and I will breathe deep 

the opportunity to spend the day with him. 

I will find the joy and grace for just this very moment. 

You said you'd never forsake me or turn your face from me. 

You hide me beneath your wings

Though these trials may shake me, you won't let them rake me

And I'll find a reason to sing.

This will be a new day!

There will be a new song!

Lord your joy is my strength.

I have a hope

Do you know that hope? Do you feel that peace?

I long for that, for all. 

Pressing On Through; God Will Make A Way

Before I had even finished writing my last post,
I received word that Cheslea's Grandmother had died on New Year's Eve. 

She was at a party. 

Just fine. 

And had a heart attack; Just like that.

In a year when we have experienced so much heart ache. This feels like too much. 

What do you do when you feel like at every corner you're knocked down? 

When life is relentless in it's burden. 

How do you live when all is heavy and weighted down?

There is no option for surrender.
The only option is to press on.
Press on towards that goal.

Take a moment to listen to this again.
He speaks to the goal we press on towards. Literally weeks before he was called home.
Press on. . .all you who are weary.
I miss his voice, I long for him to be with us.
Yet, I treasure this gift.

Phillipians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has 
called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

But it's not drudgery. There is meaning and purpose. There is joy for the journey. Taking raw pain and finding a place for it to dwell is hard work. It is a daily task. A daily step to choose to give thanks and praise. To shake off the bitterness that threatens to engulf. To step forward into joy when your heart is breaking in a million pieces. 

This was my post last New Year's Day. 

Just one year ago.

 And though I still am not making a list or making resolutions. 

The cry of my heart is still the same. 

Wasn't much into celebrating last night. Went to bed early. Woke up to the 2 little girls sound asleep on the couch! I wonder if they made it to midnight! Happy New Year everyone! I am not a list or a resolution girl. . .but I do want to honor God this year. I don't want this life to be about me. I want to serve others. While taking care of my mom, I experienced such a wonderful gift. Caring for your mother is a heartbreaking joy. . . a deep down joy that no one can touch. So here is to a year NOT about doing what's right for me. . . or putting myself first. Here is to a year where I surrender and let God lead my steps. . . Because even in the hard times . . .with God is better than on my own. Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. . . 

"Because even in the hard times. . .with God, is better than on my own".

This past year has been so hard. Frankly, it still is hard. Each breath that I take, each action I perform is surrendered to the will of God because I don't know how to walk this road. 
So again, I cling to what I do know. 

Much of my day requires moment by moment clinging to what I know.
And what I know is; God is good. . .God is sovereign, and God knows. . .
 He knows my pain. Sometimes that does not give me peace. And that is where my faith meets the truth. If I claim to know God; then I will claim to know and trust him in the agony.

We said Good Bye to cousins and came home to a quiet house. 

For a moment, just a moment, this awful sadness began to permeate.
 But  friends stopped over and it was a nice distraction.  I then stepped into all that needs to be done. 
I wasn't as nice as I could have been, I was tired, but it was a start. 
That's all we need to do- is start, take a step.
God will take care of the rest.

 God will make a way
When there seems to be no way.
Forever He is faithful
He will make a road
When you bear a heavy load