Leaning

I lean against the door frame to his room. 

His smell still lingers.

I close my eyes. How long will it last? 

Tears threaten to overflow. . .once again.

 How can one shed so many tears? Oh how the heart hurts. 

I lean into the door and breathe deep. 

I breathe in the years of parenting.

 I breathe in the school plays, homework, parent conferences. 

I breathe in long discussions and life decisions.

 I breathe in the first moment I heard his cry and held all 9.1 pounds of him. And I lean into the memories.

These memories are all I have of almost 18 years of living.
These memories I cherish. 

These are the memories of one who,  "fought the good fight, finished the race, kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7.
These are the memories of not a perfect life; of redheaded will power; of willful disobedience.
And of a life surrendered to Christ, trying to live each day for Him, through the grit and grime of this world.

As I lean into the memories, I will lean into the source of my strength. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I can not make this journey alone. The pain is too deep, the ache too raw. 

Leaning on what I know is the only way through.

I listened to Mikayla's song again.
She really is a gift. 

http://www.reverbnation.com/mikaylakelemen/song/18133285-at-your-pace

I will treasure this always.

As I take a step moment by moment today, I will continue to rest in the
the LORD.
I will continue to praise His name through this very dark storm.
And I will trust.
"Because when my world is shaken. . . .Heaven stands."