Friday, August 16, 2013


I lean against the door frame to his room. 
His smell still lingers.
I close my eyes. How long will it last? 

Tears threaten to overflow. . .once again.
 How can one shed so many tears? Oh how the heart hurts. 
I lean into the door and breathe deep. 
I breathe in the years of parenting.
 I breathe in the school plays, homework, parent conferences. 
I breathe in long discussions and life decisions.
 I breathe in the first moment I heard his cry and held all 9.1 pounds of him. And I lean into the memories.

These memories are all I have of almost 18 years of living.
These memories I cherish. 

These are the memories of one who,  "fought the good fight, finished the race, kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7.
These are the memories of not a perfect life; of redheaded will power; of willful disobedience.
And of a life surrendered to Christ, trying to live each day for Him, through the grit and grime of this world.
As I lean into the memories, I will lean into the source of my strength. 
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I can not make this journey alone. The pain is too deep, the ache too raw. 
Leaning on what I know is the only way through.

I listened to Mikayla's song again.
She really is a gift.

I will treasure this always.

As I take a step moment by moment today, I will continue to rest in the
the LORD.
I will continue to praise His name through this very dark storm.
And I will trust.
"Because when my world is shaken. . . .Heaven stands."


  1. When the world shakes, heaven stands...comforting truth.

  2. Tammy, I love your writing, you make it real and direct. I hope that when the time comes (months, years) some of those memories of Elijah will find their way into this blog. When the time is right and not before. Took me a year to do the same.