Sunday, August 11, 2013


When I woke; it was strange. The air in the room was heavy. As my mind cleared I realized the air conditioning was off. . . and my clock was flashing. There was no power. I saw flickering lights outside. I was confused. I could hear someone knocking and calling if anyone was home. That was at 2:40 a.m., July 28, 2013. The night the LORD called our son home. The night my heart almost stopped beating. The night my life changed forever.

It's been 2 weeks today. My clock is still flashing. I can't seem to change it. The incessant flashing somehow reassuring; that indeed something is not right.

Something will never be right again. Elijah's clothes lay just as he left them; at the top of the stairs, on his floor. I often lay on his bed. . .shedding tears. . .longing to see him come bounding up the stairs, humming, whistling or singing at the top of his lungs. Longing to see those blue eyes, so like his father; to cook his favorite meals. Oh how he loved to eat! He could argue a mute point to death. I miss our dinner conversations. I miss so much.

It still seems so unreal. I just can't believe it. 
My heart aches continually. It just won't go away.

His drums lie silent. Waiting for the master to arouse the music within. But none comes. How do we go on? How do we get through this wall of grief.

I know I will continue to look up. 
I have always loved our view of Mount Mansfield. 
These days it is an ever reminder to keep looking up to the Father.

This was the sunrise on that morning. 
I had walked out the front door, overcome with grief. A car was coming down the road so I walked to the back yard. And as I looked up. . .this is what I saw. 

 Psalm 121 1-8 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
 My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.
 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.
 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
 The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
 The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

I will continue to give praise and 
thanksgiving in all circumstances. 

 I Thessolonians  5:18 
give thanks in all circumstances; 
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

I am heavy hearted and feel burdened. 
But I remember what Jesus said,

 Matthew 11:28-30Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

So, 2 weeks after our world was shattered.
After a plan was set in motion that I do NOT like. 
After I have cried out to the Creator of the Universe, who moved mountains,
raised men from the dead, healed the sick. . . 
I will continue to Praise His Name;
And Rest in Him. 
And I will seek the joy he longs to send. 


  1. Beautiful, <3 my heart goes out to you, and your family still. I follow your blog everyday and having lost my best friend this way ten years ago in September, at the age of 17.. I find that your words somehow become my comfort. Elijah will always live in your heart and he sees you and your grief.. It will get better with time. Who knows how much time but know this: There are lots of people who feel, cry and pray for you everyday. I am one of them. I don't know you, but I love you. You give me strength everyday through your sorrowful yet spiritually uplifting words. Keep the faith Momma, I pray for you everyday and thank God for your words.. You are so strong to do this <3 keep it up, and Thank you.

  2. You, your family and all who knew Elijah are in my prayers! I do not know you but cannot imagine the pain you're feeling. I pray that your memories and faith give you the strength you need and eventually peace.

  3. Tammy and family, just know that even though I do not know you personally, you are in my daily prayers. You have suffered a great loss, I can only imagine your pain. I have four grown sons, and back in February I was awaken by a phone call at 1:40 a.m. from my grandson saying "Grandma come quick, Dad is unresponsive", I was never so scared in all my life. But by the grace of God my son got better. May God Bless you and your family.

  4. Having lost my sister 5 years ago, my father 3 years ago and my mother 15 months ago ~ I know your heart and how it aches. I loved the song. It brought tears, but also refreshed my soul. I also lost a dear friend's son at age 23 to a Motorcycle accident out in Arizona after having spent only months there to learn motorcycle repair. I babysat him and his sister for years while his Mom was at Children's Hospital as their baby brother underwent three liver transplants. Baby brother is now taking driving lessons and the final liver transplant took; thanks be to God. I found out about Christopher's death, and actually physically was overcome with pain in my gut. I felt such injustice in this world. I was devastated not only for his loss; but for the loss of his family. His mother was a single parent of him for 10 years before she remarried and started a new family. Their bond was simply a thing of beauty. A week after we buried Christopher my father announced he was giving up kidney dialysis. We got him into the Hospice House in Danvers and five days later he passed. Needless to say, after losing my Mom, my spirit and serenity is shattered. Thank you for sharing your life and it's lessons. Thank you for your strength and hope. I am humbled. Keep your Faith Strong! God Bless You <3

  5. The faith your family has is inspiring to my husband and I both. The courage with which you face each day is something so very rarely found. I attend church at UCA, and while i didnt have the pleasure of having met your son, with each kind word i hear about him (there are tooo many to count), it is apparant he was a bright, brilliant young man, the epitome of a soldier in GODS army. Many hugs and prayers to your family in your time of mourning

  6. Tammy, I can't tell you how many people have mentioned to me that they woke at the moment the lights went out! It seems to me that these words have both literal and figurative meaning....I have felt like God was trying to give me a message far all I can put into words is that when Elijah's spirit left the earthly vessel that carried it, God was at that moment making aware an army of people (although they were unaware of it at the time) to gather up and surround you and Gary and the kids with Love, Prayers and emotional support.....I feel when Elijah's light went that moment God raised an army (your town friends, neighbors, and strangers...who will become friends to lift you up and to keep you lifted up while you walk through the valley of the shadow of death.....