Tuesday, August 20, 2013


Today I changed my clock. The incessant flashing, now a steady glow. It is the cry of my heart that our lives will reflect the steady glow of Christ. That memories of Elijah will flood our hearts.

You know what a mother fears. . . after her child is gone?
 Is that his memory fades.
How does the seed of love . . .the child that left you scarred. . .fade?
These are things I think about. 
These are things that bring me to my knees grasping to hold on to our loving God. I blink back tears.
  I still can't believe he is gone.  
I don't want him to just be a memory. He had so much to live for. He was working so hard to be the best Marine he could be. He excelled in making his body strong. . .He was intense. He recognized his sin and the hold it had on him and his need for grace. 
Everywhere we look.  . .he is there.
He had been working on the calf fence up at the barn. The work now, unfinished. Stopped. 
Yet the reminders remain. 

It's the mornings that are the most difficult for me. The moment when I wake up. . .the moment when you become conscious and the weight and magnitude of all that has happened comes crashing down. . .I wonder how long it will be like this? How long will I feel like somewhere, something just isn't right?
Yet all around us the hub of life continues. 
The demand of the day requires my attention. 
It's a new life for me. A new lens in which to view my world. 
A world in which I will never see my boy again. 
A world that is snapped out of focus. 

But I am changing. The lens with which I view this world is skewed. But the lens looking heavenward has become clearer. My strength each day is renewed through God's precious Word. It brings me peace and hope. It is renewed. . .by hugs at the bank, cards in the mail and cd's on the front porch. 
All of it part of Community. Most of it divine Grace. 

I came across this song in January and it refreshed my weary heart as I grieved for my mom. I came across it today again. And I now grieve for my son. . .and long for hearts to be changed. 

"I need Thy Presence Every Passing Hour"

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.


  1. Still here listening. Still praying for a peaceful heart <3 You are not alone.

    1. Thank you. We are held in the palm of his hands and living on the prayers of the people.

  2. I also am still here with my arms wrapped around you. You will never be alone in this world. Family and friends will be with with forever - including Elijah and your Mom - their spirit is all around you.

  3. You are walking by the River... Jordan... just on the other side... two worlds and all The Lord's! We are here reading, listening, learning. Praying for all of you. Thank you for the song! Powerful. Love eternal...

  4. You are a blessing. Your blog has given me answers. My 14 year old son is asking about God and death. About life after death and I had no explanation. Your passages have given me a point to start. You son has blessed us. Thank you to both of you.
    Brenda Boutin

    1. Thank you Brenda. I would love to have his obituary and a thank you from us to the community in the next paper.

  5. I don't know you, only know of you and your family, yet I dreamed about you and your children last night. My thoughts have been with you since the day I first heard of the accident and I have followed your blog. Yes, one day months from now, you will wake up without the shock of remembering, without the sick stomach or heavy heart. Life will be changed but you will move on without the heavy grief surrounding you now. Continue to hold on to your faith as He guides you through a mother's greatest sorrow.

    1. You are so right. Thank you for loving our family.

  6. Continuing to think of you and your family daily. Praying for a morning you can wake up and feel not the shock of his loss but smile at the memory of his life and his love.

  7. Tammy, you have been in my thoughts and prayers since I heard about Elijah's accident. I understand the pain that just takes your breath away. I also know how God's love allows you to take your next breath and go on. Thank you for being such a powerful testament to God's love and the strength that our faith gives to us.
    Cindy Leonard

    1. I still remember Sam like it was yesterday. Tucked in my journal is still the picture I took in my room at Debbie's when you were all at Sandy's wedding. The pain is sometimes unbearable and I want to fight with all I have to reverse that day. Thank you for your support.