You know what a mother fears. . . after her child is gone?
Is that his memory fades.
How does the seed of love . . .the child that left you scarred. . .fade?
These are things I think about.
These are things that bring me to my knees grasping to hold on to our loving God. I blink back tears.
I still can't believe he is gone.
I don't want him to just be a memory. He had so much to live for. He was working so hard to be the best Marine he could be. He excelled in making his body strong. . .He was intense. He recognized his sin and the hold it had on him and his need for grace.
Everywhere we look. . .he is there.
He had been working on the calf fence up at the barn. The work now, unfinished. Stopped.
Yet the reminders remain.
It's the mornings that are the most difficult for me. The moment when I wake up. . .the moment when you become conscious and the weight and magnitude of all that has happened comes crashing down. . .I wonder how long it will be like this? How long will I feel like somewhere, something just isn't right?
Yet all around us the hub of life continues.
The demand of the day requires my attention.
It's a new life for me. A new lens in which to view my world.
A world in which I will never see my boy again.
A world that is snapped out of focus.
But I am changing. The lens with which I view this world is skewed. But the lens looking heavenward has become clearer. My strength each day is renewed through God's precious Word. It brings me peace and hope. It is renewed. . .by hugs at the bank, cards in the mail and cd's on the front porch.
All of it part of Community. Most of it divine Grace.
I came across this song in January and it refreshed my weary heart as I grieved for my mom. I came across it today again. And I now grieve for my son. . .and long for hearts to be changed.
"I need Thy Presence Every Passing Hour"
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.