The Importance Of Naming; remembering 9/11

She's been playing the cello for 3 years. 

She practices willingly. . . sometimes. 

This summer she didn't want to play. 

She said she was done with the cello. 

But she has music in her soul. 

She fought the entire process. 

I knew in my mommy's heart she will long to play someday. 

So we begin the fall lessons. 

She doesn't want to go. 

She is angry. 

We talk through trusting me on this one. 

That sometimes mommy's know things. 

She agree's to trust. 

This little 9 year old. 

Stepping in faith. 

A heart that has lost her brother. 

The little girl who watched her father as the effects of radiation and Chemo wracked his body. 

Now trusts. 

She goes to her lesson. 

I watch as she plays. 

Her instructor is a gem. 

She is able to get this little fire cracker to focus and produce sounds to soothe the angels. 

She plays a scale. 

One she knows. 

Something within her being clicks. 

The words her instructor says, her presence of mind, something. 

And she shouts I get it. 

The music, the notes, the steps.

It all makes sense to her. 

Tears well. 

Those "Aha" moments are priceless. 

Moments when there is clarity.

Discovery. 

She has grown. 

This little 9 year old. 

My baby. 

No longer a baby. 

She needs a bigger sized cello. 

We head downtown. 

She is so excited. 

She hugs her "Lily" good bye. 

She gathers her new cello. 

When we get home. 

The first thing she wants to do is play. 

The  next thing is to name her cello. 

She had wanted to wait until she played it to name it. 

I couldn't help but think of the name of the Lord. 

What a strong tower. 

Proverbs 18:10

The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; 

the righteous run to it and are safe

His name is wonderful. 

He is our rock and fortress. 

What a gift. 

I pray that as Ella grows in her faith she will soon have that "clarity" of knowing Jesus as her Savior. 

Oh, what a glorious moment when you realize the grace with which your soul has been ransomed. 

How glorious knowing your sins are forgiven. . .as far as the east is from the west. 

And that one day. All will be made right. 

And so she plays her cello. 

She says it sounds like a boy. 

I am naming him "Elijah."

Isaiah 43:1

But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

As we observe this day, September 11, 2014 and the terrible losses on that day. 

May we name those that have gone before us. 

Saying the names out loud.
Seeing them in writing or hearing them is a gift for those that grieve. 

Leave a name or your story in the comments. 

May we all remember today that evil exists. 

But there is One that is much greater. 

He has conquered the grave. 

God will return. 

One day all will be made right. 

Our task is to share the love of Jesus.

Be his hands and feet. 

Remembering today the families of all those lost loved one 13 years ago today. 

Even In The Searing Pain; We are Not Abandoned

I want to avoid his room. 

I haven't been in for a while. 

Sometimes the weight of the pain is crushing. 

I bring laundry up the stairs and turn away quickly. 

I pick up and work for a while. 

When it's time to go downstairs. 

I avoid looking. 

It's been a year. . . and a week. 

How can I do this long term?

How can I survive this piercing pain? 

Some days it is so hard to function. 

I am distracted. 

Unsettled. 

Sad. 

Each moment needing to change my focus and reach for more. 

Seeking the beauty in the struggle. 

We can be consumed by despair. 

Driven by emotions. 

Justifying actions. 

The course has been set. 

Who am I to question? 

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns his face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One, 

Bring many sons to glory

We sing the lyrics. 

My heart hurts. 

The Father turns his face away

The sinless Savior was abandoned.

He bore my sin. 

God turned from Him. 

For me. 

I can barely breathe. 

He turned his face. 

Yet, I am given the promise. 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, 

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I have been extended mercy.

Why should I gain from His reward? 
I can not give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart
 His wounds have paid my ransom. 

He will never leave me. 

He will never forsake me.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 
perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, 
but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

He has never left my side. 

Even in the pain of searing loss. 
He has lifted my feet to solid ground.
His face will never turn from us.
He will always be waiting.
Longing for us.
Until He returns.

No one is beyond His love.
No one is beyond His redemption.
He is waiting.
In repentance; forgiveness and restoration await.

Delight In His Sabbath

Isaiah 41:10

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you. 
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Words I cling to. 

Hope I claim. 

It is Sunday morning again. 

A morning for me that will always remain hard.

The conflict of loss; the gift of the Sabbath. 
Yet isn't the gift of Sabbath because of death?
One for all.
So there might be life?
Everlasting?
He gave all so we could all have. 
The goal of Sabbath; rest.
Leaning into Christ and the promise He gave with His life.
New life. 
Shed off all that hinders today.
Look for the rest God offers.
Seek the peace He longs to share.
Open your hands to receive.
Quiet yourself to embrace God's goodness.
Look around with eyes wide open.

His beauty is there.
There is joy beyond measure.
Rest in the Lord.
Delight in His Sabbath.

Isaiah 58:13
"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day,
 if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable,
 and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." 
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"

These Words, To Live By

Because He Lives. . 

I can hear her singing now. 

I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, All fear is gone. 

I know the words by heart. 

She often sang it as cancer's clutches tightened their grip.  

Because I know who holds the future, 

And life is worth the living 

Just because He lives. 

My mom loved music.

She loved all kinds of music. 

I grew up listening to albums of the Beach Boys, Rhapsody in Blue, 

The Kingston Trio and even the Smothers Brothers. 

There was always music coming from that stereo in the hall. 

I can still hear the sound the albums would make, especially at Christmas, when the album would change. 

Even now listening to songs evoke a memory. 

And today when Gary's depression has hit a low; as the sun sank lower in the sky and the pinkish hue caught me off guard; as the uncertainty of these days threaten to overwhelm; these words come to me. 

Because He lives. . . I can face tomorrow. 

I can't do this on my own. 

There is nothing left to give. 

I am broken and spilled out. 

I am grieving. I am trying to run a business. I am trying to be strong for these children in my nest. 

And for the moment, I close my eyes; I hear the beautiful words. 

Because I know who holds the future. . .

I do know who holds the future.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, that God is right there.

 Though I can't see Him.  

And though things around me are falling apart.

I know He is right there. 

And you know what? He's going to make it all beautiful.

2 Corinthians 4:7

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this 

all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

 Really He will. 

He is going to take this broken situation. He is going to take all this pain and heartache. 

And He is going to make something beautiful.

 Because that is what He does. 

He is the God who restores. He is the God who heals. 

He is mighty and merciful. 

And He's coming back. 

And when He does. You're not going to want to miss it. 

And then one day, I'll cross the river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then as death gives way to victory

I'll see the lights of glory

And I'll know He lives. 

Won't you take a few moments and listen to this song. 

I pray that all your fear will be gone. And that you will know He lives. 

That you can surrender all that hurts and causes you pain. 

That for a moment you can find the peace that comes, 

when you know who holds your future. 

Oh, How He Loves Us. . . Day # 22 of Thankfulness

How can you be gone?

I look at your picture, I want to see you so badly.
I want to turn back time, change anything I can.
I yearn for this to not be.

I long to hear you call me mom.
I walk into your room.
I just stand there looking around.
I remember your crib and then your big boy bed.
I remember when Cedric needed to share the room and how angry you were.
I think back to the time Caleb gave you your first Lacrosse stick.

I want to hear how things are and chat. 

You're my first born. 

My boy, my Lijy.
It's just so not fair. 

My heart just can't take it sometimes. 

How can this be?

The enormity of the missing; overpowering.

All the universe tilted for me.

Sometimes the ache feels like it will swallow me whole. 

I want to claw my way out of the skin I am in. 

The weight of all these trials seems too much. 

The LORD promises to walk with us through these trials.
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
 Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be 
with you wherever you go."

He knows the comings and goings of our lives. 

All this, has been sifted through his hands.

It is in those hands I want to stay.
I want to know and feel the peace that comes from a life surrendered to the
One who called us into being.
I want to live a life that reflects the glory of His face;
regardless of the circumstances of this world.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made;
For a reason with a purpose.
And loved.
Oh, how we are loved.
This love given,  so we might live.
I look at the picture I took as the night gave way to the dawn, on the morning of Elijah's home going.
I am still struck by the heart in the sky.

It is the mercy of the One who called Elijah home.
I don't like this path.
I don't want it this way.
Yet, I can't deny that God is in every moment of this painful journey.
And I can't deny that grace has accompanied us through.
And as I continue to wade through the cloud of grief, I swallow hard, I let the tears flow freely.
Much has been asked of me.
And much I will give.
I will stand strong on the promises.
And when I feel like I am going to fall and I can't stand any longer I will rely on all those around us. As Aaron and Hur held the arms of their beloved Moses as the battle raged around them, so too will
 I lean on the strength of those around me.
 Because this journey is wearing me down.
And so I lay it all down.
And I lift my voice in Praise.

Day #22 of Thankfulness
The sweetest of prayer times with 3 saints in the faith
Another saint who came to clean my bathrooms and
I am sure she prayed over every corner of this house
Kisses and snuggles with the 4 week old precious gift
Holding my daughter while she holds her niece-
2 generations in my lap; priceless gift
unexpected dinner delivered to the back door
A gift for Chelsea and Lilah at the front door and a fun conversation about books
A new (to us) refrigerator at the barn for milk, I can hear everyone saying yay
Thank you Becky for loving on us
 being able to run to the  High School to drop off something for my son-he still needs me
An evening of study in the word
sleep