Those Dark Days; They Will Come

The dark of the day rises to meet me. 

The warmth of the previous days a tease. 

My son, my son, my soul cries out. 

I pass the accident site. 

Today. 

I slip. 

The images flash before me. 

Images I never saw. 

Images that played out while I slept. 

My darling red head. 

My first born son. 

Passed from this life while I slept. 

Oh, how I miss him. 

The deep, piercing ache creeps through my veins today. 
The wait for next tests for my farmer. 

I cling to the Ancient promises. 

The truth. 

This road will never be easy. 

Yet I want these times to glorify the One who allowed it to happen. 

Even in my lowest time; when the ache seems strongest, I cling to hope. 

There is always, always hope. 

Not the, "I hope I get a bike for Christmas" hope. 

The hope of the assurance of the grace of the King of Kings. 

He reaches down and comforts those who mourn. 
I remind myself of truth. 
Truth that Elijah is where we all long to be. 
There is a purpose and a plan. 

God will use all these pieces together; 
to bring glory and honor to his name. 
He will be exalted. 
He will be praised. 
I feel the icy hurt and fear begin to melt. 
The deep sense of peace and assurance, once again rises. 

My strength only comes from God on High. 
For me, there is no other way to walk this road. 
I pass the accident site a few more times this day. 
Each time praying fervently for holiness to reign in that spot. 
For memories of good times to come flooding through. 

The college girl is coming home. 
The oldest farm girl is heavy with child. 

Time is marching forward. 

If I don't embrace these moments; those too will be lost forever. 
So I choose, once again to push through these agonizing moments. 
To breathe deeply the hope in Christ. 
With feet planted on the solid rock of my Savior I press on. 
I will wait for the call for our new grandchild 
I will wait in hope for God's directions in our lives. 

Psalm 33:20
We wait in hope for the LORD;
 he is our help and our shield.


And each day I will give Praise and Honor to the one who numbers our days. 

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; 
do you not perceive it? 
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Happy Birthday Mom

It's my mom's birthday. 

She would have been 71. 

Her birthday so near Mother's Day. 

I would always send her flowers for Mother's Day and a present for her birthday. 

I remember her last Mother's Day. 

The woman asked me what I wanted to say on the card. 

I must have known in my spirit that this would be my last with her. 

I couldn't say anything. 

I just started to cry. 

The poor sales lady. 

There's not enough room on a card to say all I had wanted. 

In the end I said, "Thank you". 

I had told her how I felt through the years. 

There were no regrets. 

She knew I loved her. 

It's hard to believe this is her second birthday with the King of Kings. 

Elijah will celebrate with her. 

I can't put into words how this feels. 

There is joy knowing they are together for all eternity; 

yet deep heartache at missing them. 

Mom loved birthdays. 

She made such a big deal. 

She would get up early and sing, rubbing butter on our noses to wake us up. 

I have no idea where or why that tradition. 

It is NOT one I have continued. 

She loved parties and reasons to celebrate. 

She found the good in things. 

The joy deep and overflowing. 

Isaiah 55:12

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

 and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

She loved life. 

She loved her Lord. 

She served him faithfully. 

Her positive attitude contagious. 

Even when the clutches of death hovered over her. 

I miss her dearly. 

It's hard to think about. 

So much loss in such a short amount of time. 

I have to portion out the pain.

But I have the deep assurance of seeing her again. 

I long for that reunion. 

We will sing Happy Birthday to her today. 

It is also a dear friends 60th. 

She too in a battle against cancer. 

I was able to send her a note celebrating years of a friendship. 

Find the time today to celebrate someone. 

Remind them of God's love. 

Share with them the joy they bring to your life. 

Pushing through with joy today. 

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, 

so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Oh, How He Loves Us. . . Day # 22 of Thankfulness

How can you be gone?

I look at your picture, I want to see you so badly.
I want to turn back time, change anything I can.
I yearn for this to not be.

I long to hear you call me mom.
I walk into your room.
I just stand there looking around.
I remember your crib and then your big boy bed.
I remember when Cedric needed to share the room and how angry you were.
I think back to the time Caleb gave you your first Lacrosse stick.

I want to hear how things are and chat. 

You're my first born. 

My boy, my Lijy.
It's just so not fair. 

My heart just can't take it sometimes. 

How can this be?

The enormity of the missing; overpowering.

All the universe tilted for me.

Sometimes the ache feels like it will swallow me whole. 

I want to claw my way out of the skin I am in. 

The weight of all these trials seems too much. 

The LORD promises to walk with us through these trials.
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
 Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be 
with you wherever you go."

He knows the comings and goings of our lives. 

All this, has been sifted through his hands.

It is in those hands I want to stay.
I want to know and feel the peace that comes from a life surrendered to the
One who called us into being.
I want to live a life that reflects the glory of His face;
regardless of the circumstances of this world.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made;
For a reason with a purpose.
And loved.
Oh, how we are loved.
This love given,  so we might live.
I look at the picture I took as the night gave way to the dawn, on the morning of Elijah's home going.
I am still struck by the heart in the sky.

It is the mercy of the One who called Elijah home.
I don't like this path.
I don't want it this way.
Yet, I can't deny that God is in every moment of this painful journey.
And I can't deny that grace has accompanied us through.
And as I continue to wade through the cloud of grief, I swallow hard, I let the tears flow freely.
Much has been asked of me.
And much I will give.
I will stand strong on the promises.
And when I feel like I am going to fall and I can't stand any longer I will rely on all those around us. As Aaron and Hur held the arms of their beloved Moses as the battle raged around them, so too will
 I lean on the strength of those around me.
 Because this journey is wearing me down.
And so I lay it all down.
And I lift my voice in Praise.

Day #22 of Thankfulness
The sweetest of prayer times with 3 saints in the faith
Another saint who came to clean my bathrooms and
I am sure she prayed over every corner of this house
Kisses and snuggles with the 4 week old precious gift
Holding my daughter while she holds her niece-
2 generations in my lap; priceless gift
unexpected dinner delivered to the back door
A gift for Chelsea and Lilah at the front door and a fun conversation about books
A new (to us) refrigerator at the barn for milk, I can hear everyone saying yay
Thank you Becky for loving on us
 being able to run to the  High School to drop off something for my son-he still needs me
An evening of study in the word
sleep

Where Do You Go On A Rainy Day?. . . Day # 18 of Thankfulness

The afternoon had been full of visitors. 

Gary's cousin, sharing alternative cancer treatments.

A friend leaving for Antarctica. 

Dinner delivered to the door. 

Others stop too, to visit with the farmer. 

Bags still to be unpacked.

I am tired.

We sit for dinner and I sit in a different seat. 

I try to understand this new normal.

For some reason, within my soul, rises a desire to scream. 

I want to holler that this isn't fair. 

I want my boy back. 

I don't want my husband to have cancer.

I don't want to think about radiation and chemo and doctors appointments. 

I am tired

There is nothing right about this journey. 

It is all wrong.

Every time I hear of another mama losing one of her babies;

burying them in the cold earth before their time; my heart shatters a little more. 

But everything is right about this journey.

There is not one step that is not filtered through the hands of our loving God. 

And as difficult as that seems; as hard as that is to imagine;

It is true.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your 

God will be with you wherever you go."

He is with me wherever I go. 

He will never leave us. 

He is also big enough to handle all my uncertainty, all my questions.

We need to be at the hospital by 8.

Cancer knows no bounds.

No age, time, social status; it doesn't matter if there are farming chores, kids to take care of, school. 

It has no respect for any of that. 

Yet we serve a God who is over all those things. 

And as we journey through this difficult road, we will keep our eyes focused. 

We will breathe deep the word of God. 

We will cling to his promises and we will rest in His will. 

Even when we don't like it. 

Jeremiah 31:20

I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint

“God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to.” 
― Elisabeth Elliot

Day #18 of Thankfulness

I am Thankful for:

Rain on the tin roof, even though some of the memories are painful

(And I still get wet and may fall through the porch. . .But I am still thankful)

A day to spend with my husband

Help with Childcare

A daughter who makes me laugh 

A son who holds me when I cry 

Step daughter and her husband raising new life to love

dinner delivered to the door with much prayer and love

 A farmhouse full of visitors, coming from the front door and the back

Little girls who still love to snuggle

each day given to serve God and His kingdom in the way He chooses

Hope

Grace only for moment by moment living

Time away. . .remembering to cherish the gifts given

* * *

A friend heads to Boston for a bone marrow transplant.

We head to the hospital for ct scans and xrays.

Another friends wrestles with protocols and decision. 

Disaster in the Philippines.

Tornado's in the Midwest. 

There is no other way that to trust. There is no other way than to lay our burden's down at the foot of the cross. And leave them there. 

A sign has been give. And there is Hope for all Nations. 

A Gift given.

A sign shall be given
A virgin will conceive
A human baby bearing
Undiminished deity
The glory of the nations
A light for all to see
That hope for all who will embrace
His warm reality

Our God is with us. And if God is with us. . .who can stand against us?