Learning From Wandering Cows

My farmer brings the cows back to the field. 

They have been wandering. 

Stepping over fences. 

Moving outside their boundaries. 

It's not the first time. 

This group pushes and tests the boundaries. 

Repeatedly. 

My farmer calls to them. 

They know him, and hear his voice. 

He leads them back to safety. 

We are like those frisky heifers. 

We're eager to see what is just beyond. 

To feel there is more; just beyond our reach. 

The boundaries; set to protect us. 

Protect us from things we do not even know or understand. 

Lines erased, justified, compromised. 

As small children, parameters are placed for our protection. 

Stern commands to set the boundaries. 

Still. 

Immediate desire to go against the flow. 

Break the rules. 

Stretch the limits. 

Until. 

That gentle Shepherd finds us. 

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

He gently leads us home. 

Today is Elijah's 20th birthday. 

He has spent 3 birthday's in heaven. 

Some days I want life to stop. 

To not move on. 

I step over those boundaries. 

I attempt to take a path that is outside the way. 

Lovingly and gently my Shepherd brings me back. 

My eyes just need to remain focused. 

I need to hear his voice. 

Spend time with Him so I can recognize His call. 

If you're wandering and feel lost. 

Take time to get to know the One who can lead you home. 

Elijah's greatest gift to me will always be his walk with the Lord. 

He was not perfect; by any means. 

Yet he left this legacy. 

This was no accident or coincidence. 

Thank you my boy. 

For the gift. 

My heart aches with the missing. 

Yet I am confident I will see you again. 

Happy 20th sweetheart. 

His Song Is Different Now

The day is done. 

His birthday over.
There was no cake.
I couldn't.
But one of his friends sent me a picture of one she baked.
This mama's heart swelled with gratitude.
He is remembered. 

We tried to have a bonfire; but like last year, the rains came and the heaven's declared their majesty. 

The beat of the thunder kept cadence with the rain. 

We gathered on the front porch.

We stormed the throne of grace in prayer. 

Thanksgiving for being held. 

Strength for the future. 

Time together. 

I climbed the stairs to say good night to the crew. 

I paused in his doorway. 

I leaned into the frame.
I waited for the tears.
None came.
In some ways it's too hard to think about.
In some ways I need a break from the relentless missing.
Aching.
I need to pick up this room.
I don't want to.
I want to change the course of the events of July 28, 2013.
But I can't.
My sister in law shared with me a nugget I am holding to tightly.
When we play chess.
We see one move at a time.
God sees the whole board. 
He knows all the moves.
Let God make the moves. 

As I sat on my bed I realized we hadn't sung happy birthday.
I started to sing myself.
Alone.
The tears came.
I can't finish the song.
It doesn't seem right.
Happy Birthday is for the living.
For this life.
Here.
His song now, is different.
He sings, Holy, Holy is the lamb that was slain.

Revelation 5:13
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise
 and honor and glory and power, 
for ever and ever!"


Oh, what he sees.
Beauty.
Holiness.
Untold Joy.
So I stop singing.
And for just a moment.
I feel whole.
I stay in that place. 
Praising my Savior. 
Holding on to His Grace.

Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. 
Who was, and is, and is to come. 
Praise to the King of Kings. 
You are my everything.

Do They Sing Happy Birthday In Heaven?

 It's another year. 
Your birthday.
 I miss you.
You'd be turning 19.

You've spent your 18th and now 19th birthday  in heaven. 

Away from me; away from your family- 

but present with the Lord. 

What I wouldn't give to celebrate with you.

My heart so desperately wants this to be different. 

To have you here. With us.

I won't dance a mother's dance at your wedding. 

But we'll share a wedding feast some day; 

grander than anything this earth could provide. 

Some days the ache is so great I literally propel myself forward. 

Clinging to the Ancient promises. 

There are days that joy seeps through. 

The power of the Holy Spirit great. 

Peace of a life lived in grace. 

As I celebrate the life I had with you; those 17 years.

I rest in gratitude. 

I am who I am because of who you were. 

Your stubbornness and constant questioning challenged me. 

Today, I see things differently because of you. 

You made me a mom. 

You satisfied my longing for a child after our first journeyed to heaven. 

I will always be grateful.

You have left us a gift with your testimony. 

Even through the deep and searing ache I will rejoice for my time with you. 

I will choose to walk to gratitude.
To turn my eyes to the joy. 

So happy 19th birthday Elijah. 

It is also your enlistment date.
You would have served a whole year.

Now you've enlisted in the greatest Corps there ever will be.
Oh the joy that you are experiencing.
I rest in that thought, when the missing overwhelms.
We're still going to celebrate you today.
I am going to remember all the celebrations.
You, my son, will always remain in my heart.
Never far from my thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," 
declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth,
 so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Happy Birthday Mom

It's my mom's birthday. 

She would have been 71. 

Her birthday so near Mother's Day. 

I would always send her flowers for Mother's Day and a present for her birthday. 

I remember her last Mother's Day. 

The woman asked me what I wanted to say on the card. 

I must have known in my spirit that this would be my last with her. 

I couldn't say anything. 

I just started to cry. 

The poor sales lady. 

There's not enough room on a card to say all I had wanted. 

In the end I said, "Thank you". 

I had told her how I felt through the years. 

There were no regrets. 

She knew I loved her. 

It's hard to believe this is her second birthday with the King of Kings. 

Elijah will celebrate with her. 

I can't put into words how this feels. 

There is joy knowing they are together for all eternity; 

yet deep heartache at missing them. 

Mom loved birthdays. 

She made such a big deal. 

She would get up early and sing, rubbing butter on our noses to wake us up. 

I have no idea where or why that tradition. 

It is NOT one I have continued. 

She loved parties and reasons to celebrate. 

She found the good in things. 

The joy deep and overflowing. 

Isaiah 55:12

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

 and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

She loved life. 

She loved her Lord. 

She served him faithfully. 

Her positive attitude contagious. 

Even when the clutches of death hovered over her. 

I miss her dearly. 

It's hard to think about. 

So much loss in such a short amount of time. 

I have to portion out the pain.

But I have the deep assurance of seeing her again. 

I long for that reunion. 

We will sing Happy Birthday to her today. 

It is also a dear friends 60th. 

She too in a battle against cancer. 

I was able to send her a note celebrating years of a friendship. 

Find the time today to celebrate someone. 

Remind them of God's love. 

Share with them the joy they bring to your life. 

Pushing through with joy today. 

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, 

so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

2 Mom's Living On Solid Hope

There is another who grieves. 

Another mom who celebrates her son's birthday today;

while he resides with the King of Kings.
Her son torn from this life at 18.
Never to see 19.

Two young men called home long before our hearts are ready to let go.

I think on this. 
He and Elijah now know each other. Each known by the Savior.
Each missed so deeply.

When here on this earth our paths may have never crossed.
This mom grieves as I do. 

Brought together by mutual friends; knowing our struggle.
Now friends through a shared bond of grief and love for Jesus.
Each of us experiencing the extravagant grace of God.
Each of us experiencing the agony of loss.

Today our sons rejoice in the Presence of the Almighty.
Their birthdays complete.
Their bodies whole and glorified.
It is those of us left behind that grieve.

But we do not grieve without a hope.

I Thessalonians 4:13
 Brothers and sisters, 
we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, 
so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 

We have hope in a Savior. We have hope for Eternal Life.
We will be reunited.
Until that day we will remember that:

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Happy Birthday Christiano.
You are missed. 
We will carry on until the Lord calls us home. 
I bet this party will be the best you've ever had. 

Our sons lives were cut short in our eyes. Yet in God's timing their lives were complete. As hard as that is, it is also a comfort. 

We know not that day or hour when we will be called home. 

Be ready. 

Leave nothing undone.

 He's coming back. Are you ready? 

"All I know is I am not Home yet. This is not where I belong.

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong."

The Farmers Son

 I began this post on June 18, 2013.

3 days after our oldest son had graduated from High School. 

I didn't finish it because I wanted to take pictures of my farmers hands. 

The Father and the Son. . .

I was going to post it on Elijah's birthday;

the day he left for the United States Marine Corp.

Instead, I read it at his funeral. 

--------------------------------

I used to hold his hand while he was asleep. His hands, though small, were strong and beautiful. And they mesmerized me. This red headed child who saw the world through a different lens.

His hands would one day grow to be like his father's I was sure.

His daddy's hands are big and strong. Yet gentle and loving. 

Hands in this family are memorable. 

They are the hands of generations of farmers.

 Grown thick and calloused from outdoor use. Yet gentle enough to cradle new born babies, coax an unwilling calf to drink and wrap around his wife at the end of a long day.

 Daddy's Hands was sung at Gary's father's funeral.
Hands are memorable.

And the son, grew into a man.

It seems over night.

His hands grew too. Big and strong like his father. Though not so steady and gentle yet. The red hair permeates his thoughts still and he can be harsh and brazen.

Yet, there are moments, that take me by surprise and send hope surging.

That son, has graduated from High School. His choices his own. He enlists in the Marines. He is looking for action and more than what this rural town and country life can offer him. He longs for adventure and to escape the confines of this place he calls home.

And I let him go. I sign papers in the fall because he is not yet 18. These are his choices. 

I have raised him to be independent; though he was born strong.

 He resisted his entrance into this world with all he had. 

Literally weeks of trying to entice his passage from the womb. It was to no avail. 

He needed to be forced into the light of this journey.

 Razor sharp. . .me left with scars. . .

And now I wonder, what scars will he incur as time marches on and his enlistment date approaches?How do you celebrate your sons 18th birthday as he leaves on that birth date for the 

United States Marine Corps?

The milestones are to be celebrated. Marked. . .

Here I raise my Ebenezer. . .

--------------------------------------

We marked this occasion of his 18th birthday and leave date with tears, and praise songs;

remembrances and heartache. 

And today, 6 weeks after he left us so suddenly, my heart is broken in pieces.

I wait and look to the LORD to put those pieces of my heart back together in His way. 

You can feel fall in the air.

I went outside to begin picking up the scraps of bark and wood.

Pieces left from the generosity of God's people. 

To Praise God for the stacked wood. 

We were visited by athletic teams from the High School.

Young men who had played hard the day before and won their first game of the season.

Some of the young men, had played side by side with Elijah on the Lacrosse field, team mates. . .

And they came to spend their Sunday, with their sore muscles and tired bodies. . .

stacking our wood. 

Wood that will allow my farmer and his only earthly son to spend time together, wood that will allow us to be warm in the cold winter days to come.  

This extravagant gift has left me undone. 

Elijah, you were taken too soon. I yearn for you with every cell in my body.

I think of your hands and the hard work you and daddy did.

And I praise God for 17 and a half years. 

And we will carry on. 

We will live what days we have left serving and giving back to this land. 

Thank you for your sacrifice of work and your willingness to serve this country.

Isaiah 64:8
Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.