An Empty Bed

He didn't come home that night. 

His bed was empty. 

Last night she didn't come home. 

Her bed was empty. 

It's been 25 months since I have seen that
 red headed boy of mine. 

2 years and 1 month. 

And how my heart still aches. 

Somehow times marches on. 

In some ways I am stuck. 

And will always be. 

On July, 28, 2013. 

A piece of my heart that remains, there. 

She, on the other hand. 

Has flown the nest. 

Spreading her wings. 

We moved her into her dorm room. 

So much ahead of her. 

But, that. 

Is what we call success. 

That red head has graduated too. 

To the place we all long to be. 

The place for which we were created. 

Somehow. 

Her journey; more elevated. 

These are the things I ponder. 

On which my mind ruminates. 

The new path is begun. 

I'm filling this day with many things that need to be done. 

I am choosing to trust. 

I can feel the prayers of people. 

Moments of despair pass over me. 

Yet I am pulled to that place of peace. 

Heaven is our forever home. 

Earth our temporary one. 

I am going to eat lots of ice cream. 
Because ice cream makes everything better. 

His Song Is Different Now

The day is done. 

His birthday over.
There was no cake.
I couldn't.
But one of his friends sent me a picture of one she baked.
This mama's heart swelled with gratitude.
He is remembered. 

We tried to have a bonfire; but like last year, the rains came and the heaven's declared their majesty. 

The beat of the thunder kept cadence with the rain. 

We gathered on the front porch.

We stormed the throne of grace in prayer. 

Thanksgiving for being held. 

Strength for the future. 

Time together. 

I climbed the stairs to say good night to the crew. 

I paused in his doorway. 

I leaned into the frame.
I waited for the tears.
None came.
In some ways it's too hard to think about.
In some ways I need a break from the relentless missing.
Aching.
I need to pick up this room.
I don't want to.
I want to change the course of the events of July 28, 2013.
But I can't.
My sister in law shared with me a nugget I am holding to tightly.
When we play chess.
We see one move at a time.
God sees the whole board. 
He knows all the moves.
Let God make the moves. 

As I sat on my bed I realized we hadn't sung happy birthday.
I started to sing myself.
Alone.
The tears came.
I can't finish the song.
It doesn't seem right.
Happy Birthday is for the living.
For this life.
Here.
His song now, is different.
He sings, Holy, Holy is the lamb that was slain.

Revelation 5:13
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise
 and honor and glory and power, 
for ever and ever!"


Oh, what he sees.
Beauty.
Holiness.
Untold Joy.
So I stop singing.
And for just a moment.
I feel whole.
I stay in that place. 
Praising my Savior. 
Holding on to His Grace.

Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. 
Who was, and is, and is to come. 
Praise to the King of Kings. 
You are my everything.

His Ways. . .Not Mine

Many came to help ready the farm for guests. 

There are so many details. 

My head spins. 

The weather could be an issue. 

I want it to be sunny. 

I don't want to have tents.
I want to sit out in the open. 

But that is not the case. 

It may rain; It may not. 

How do you decide?

So much of our walk in life is about letting go. 

Changing our expectations. 

If we just trust God.

Isaiah 55:9
As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways 
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Put aside our desires and thoughts. 

Let God guide the day. 

We would have less stress. 

When we surrender there is peace. 

God is able to show up and do what He does best. 

So often we grab the reigns and run. 

Thinking we know best.
This day, I struggle, in the surrender.
I have expectations.  

I want to rest in knowing someone else is in control. 

The day will be what it is. 

And each piece will be for a reason. 

Joy sought amidst the pain. 

Grateful for time to be with others.

And it is just what it was. 

Beautiful. 

There were many things not as I had wanted. 

Not my vision. 

But was it mine in the first place?

This event was Gods. 

His ways are higher than mine. 

It rained. 

People stayed. 

My heart was so full watching as folks crowded under tents. 

Not leaving.
Fellowshipping. 

There were rainbows. 

Displays of Gods workmanship. 

Reminders of His Covenant promises. 

The visitors streamed in. 

More than 300. 

This time they came to be together.

We honored Elijah.

We raised funds for his Memorial Fund. 

A Fund we pray will bless many through scholarships, 

and other ways not yet known. 

There was music and food in the mountains.

There was deep love.

It is the force of a community resting in the unity.

Family, life long friends and strangers-now family.

This life isn't about getting things my way.

It's about learning to see through Gods lens. 

For me, this will take a life time of surrender. 

Day after day of setting aside my vision for a greater purpose. 

A visit to the cross daily. 

We are grateful for all that has been given. 

We have been wrapped in layers and layers of grace. 

We will continue to surrender. 

Even while we grieve. 

Even in deep sorrow. 

We will surrender, we will praise, we will keep on keeping on. 

I love music. It feeds my soul like nothing else besides the Ancient Word.

CeCe Winans sings a classic hymn. 

I hope it ministers to your soul and raises you high on the wings that are able to carry you. 

The Anchor Holds

The day dawned. 

I stood on the porch; not wanting to be awake. 

Odd for me.

The sun rose to meet me. 

Much like a year ago. 

The same sky. 

The same God.

The world just a little older. 

The vastness of the Universe running through my mind. 

How Great is our God. 

Sing with me how great is our God. 

(Chris Tomlin How Great is our God

It's not because of what He's done, but because of who He is. 

I can not fathom the why. 

I need to live in the, "what now".

There is a life time of living still to be done. 

Though its step are painful and the ache deep. 

I stood on that porch; redone since that last year. 

Not needing to dodge the precarious soft boards. 

No threat of falling through. 

A gift given. 

The beat of the day off a bit. 

I head to a friends to let the girls swim. 

Their laughter echoed in that place. 

Beautiful. 

Reminding me of hope. 

Pressing me on. 

Later  family gathered around the table.

The rains came.

We were cozy inside.  

There was laughter and smiles. 

His friends came later. 

There was laughter. 

They sat and visited. 

Catching up on the year. 

They've been in college. 

They wanted to light lanterns. 

It was raining. 

A change in plans.

It all felt comfortable. 

My soul at peace. 

My heart longs for success for each one. 

Much joy. 

Deep faith. 

Hebrews 16:19

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 

It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,

The anchor holds. 

As the storm continues to rage we will stay strong. 

We are reaching for hope. 

Our souls are at peace. 

We are battered and weary. 

But the Anchor holds. 

As you are tossed about this sea of life,

 May you know the security of the Anchor holding fast. 

Alone; But Not Alone. . .Ever

I am alone. 

The house quiet. 

It is not a sound I am familiar with; or like. 

I wish I could take all those crazy moments when 2 diapers needed changing, lesson plans needed writing, dinner was cooking, and all 6 children were living. . .  and bottle them. 

Then pull them out now. 

When I feel defeated. 

I was created to be a mom. 

And I have loved the journey. 

I haven't done it well. 

My children never had a nursery. 

I never had the latest stroller or baby gear. 

I never read a parenting book until Chelsea was in college. 

I worked when my kids were born. 

I never went on a "playdate". 

Ever. 

For all the things I didn't do. 

I am sure there are lots I did do. 

We made a priority to go to church. 

Every Sunday. 

It wasn't easy. 

It's easier to stay home. 

There were days I wanted to. 

We chose to go. 

And when the rubber hit the road this year. 

I bent my knees low to the ground and thanked God for the years cultivating faith in our children. 

My son left me this gift. 

Faith, assurance he knew where he was headed. 

It was not wasted time. 

I drove home alone from New York after dropping two of the kids 

and two of their friends off at camp. 

I was alone. 

And when I walked in the house I was alone. 

The quiet eerie. 

My farmer haying. 

The two little girls spending the night with Tara. 

For a moment I could feel the sadness creep in. 

Alone.

While others may have cheered at this prospect, I did not. 

I love the energy of this home.

Life. 

But I realized in those moments that it is not the kids who define me. 

I am not alone. 

My worth is in Christ. 

He is my source of strength.

Psalm 118:14

The LORD is my strength and my defense; 

he has become my salvation.

 Looking anywhere else is futile. 

My joy does not come from the kids. 

It is a by product of the gift of the kids. 

My children are a gift from the Lord.

They are His. 

While I have breath on this earth I will do all I can to love and nurture them. 

Encourage them in their faith. 

Spur them on to make a difference, for Christ, in this world. 

I switch the laundry, start the dishwasher, wipe down the counters. 

A friend says to try and enjoy the moment. 

So I do. 

I head to bed to read. 

One of my favorite things to do. 

I begin with the Word; from which my sustenance comes. 

Then I move to my book. 

By then the exhaustion has settled in. 

And my farmer comes home. 

I am not alone. 

But I already knew that. 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 

for the LORD your God goes with you; 

he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Swaying With The Changes

The kids will head to camp today. 

I can't get the teenagers up to help get chores finished.

But today they are up shortly after me. 

Excitement. 

Camp.

Memories.

Time with fellow believers. 

Growing closer to God. 

Being refreshed and renewed.

Reminders of hope;  of life everlasting. 

I will make the drive to New York without my farmer. 

Life goes that way some times. 

There was a breakdown yesterday. 

So plans, for today, are changed. 

I don't do so well with change anymore. 

I can feel myself being unsettled. 

I take a deep breath. 

Even this, a trip to New York, is in God's hands. 

Once again, the day is beautiful. 

I have been so blessed with gorgeous travelling weather. 

This is the Lord's day.
I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

Psalm 118:24

I will rest in this day that belongs to the Lord. 

I will find the beauty in the created Universe. 

Such a gift. 

I just need eyes to see. 

Trying to let go of my Agenda and submit to the One who majors in Agenda's. 

I am embracing these days. 

Swaying with the changes. 

Trying to be open to God's Spirit moving. 

Jeremiah 31:3

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 

"I have loved you with an everlasting love;

 I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.

He loves us with an everlasting love. 

No one else ever will. 

No one ever can.

People will let us down. 

We are human. 

We make mistakes. 

That's why there is grace. 

We need to extend it more. 

Be open to how God is moving. 

Remembering no one perfect; except Christ. 

I will listen to a book on tape. 

I will step into the change for today. 

I am going to miss these kids this week. 

I will have all week to pray and prepare for the return trip to bring them home. 

It will be a year then, that our lives changed forever. 

Psalm 25:1-5

Of David. In you, LORD my God, I put my trust.

I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me 

No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame,

 but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.

Guide me in your truth and teach me, 

for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

I Am Found

Each day I read last years post. 

Counting down the days of his life.

Searching for meaning. 

Something I have missed. 

Like an addict looking for a hit. 

I want to see something. 

I long for just a glimpse. 

It consumes me; if I let it. 

How I want to touch or feel something connected to him. 

These final days of his life. 

He would live for 19 more days. 

That is it. 

I didn't know.
My son. Full of hope; a future. 

We were mourning the loss of our puppy. Still grieving my mom,
 my parents dog,  my dad's sister and a long time family friend. 

Caught in a sea of emotions. 

Searching.
It happened in a moment.
I wasn't there.
For a moment I feel so lost. 

But I am found. 
Amazing Grace. 

My search completed long ago. 

Bought, sought and paid for by the King. 

My soul; ransomed. 

I am pressed in but NOT crushed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, 
but not in despair;persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

With that purchase of my soul, I have the hope of eternal life. 
I rest in the assurance that Elijah stands with the King of Kings. 
I know where he is. 
His life; with purpose, was finished.
I don't like it.  
I long for the course planned for me to be different. 
It is not.
This is the walk placed before me.
I am not abandoned. 
I am not destroyed. 

I have been found, rescued. 

I take my eyes off the focus of me. 

I place them on the Light that shatters the darkness. 

I walk in immeasurable hope. 

I cling to promises made long ago by a God who will never let us down. 

I may never see or understand his plan this side of eternity. 

But oh, what waits for us in glory is the joy I am clinging to. 

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging.
It sounds an echo in my soul
How can I keep from singing?

Pete Seeger   

How can I keep from Singing

My Useless Day

I have been useless. Sick in bed. 

This does not usually happen. 

We are mom's, we continue on, no matter how hard. 

There was no way. I was too weak and shaky to get out of bed. 

I was consumed with guilt. 

We have guests. 

This is my gift. This is what I love. 

But between the heat, 8 kids, including a 2 year old. 

I don't have it anymore. 

Nope. That boundless energy is gone. 

The desire. 

Once I could go and go. 

Making feasts and homemade goodies. 

Now. 

It is one step at a time. 

Now the sweet 11 year old is ill as well. 

Zapped from the heat. 

The schedule. 

Another night with no sleep.

For me. . . for her.

A reminder to take it slow.

Psalm 62:5

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

Remembering to withdraw to the quiet places. 

Living the example set before us. 

Resting. 

Even in the midst of the chaos. 

What does rest look like? 

How can we quiet the barking voices. 

Calm the urges for all to be perfect? 

It's only by stepping into rest. 

Breathing deep and remembering to be still. 

So. I am being still. 

Forced to rest. 

I am quieting my spirit and resting in the One who longs to give the peace. 

Remembering that my uselessness can be usefulness when in the right hands. 

Stepping Right Out Of Fear

The rains come. 

The earth eager for nourishment. 

The sound triggers memories. 

All senses alert. 

These are the pre-death days. 

Each moment so vivid. 

Such technicolor. 

Each night I fight against the jagged thoughts. 

The waking from sleep. 

The flashlights playing on my window. 

The knocking on the door. 

The deep dark. 

Knowing something is not right. 

The air conditioner. 

Off. 

No lights. 

It all threatens to tear at me. 

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

The fear needs to flee.
My walk steady.
The day dawns and the night a memory.
The tasks for the day before me.
Hope of conquering the day.
Trying to not give way to sadness.
I pick up his room.
The smell of him still evident.
My fear; it will fade.
What will I have left.
The child I bore and raised, no longer part of this earth.
We are forced to step forward without him.
No matter how many words I tap out.
It will remain the same.
The one constant I want to change; the one thing I long for to be different.
There is no fear. 
Perfect love casts out fear.

I John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear

Carefully guided steps to the place where fear is surrendered.
I gather what I need to from his room.
I have said goodnight to all the other kids.
I get halfway down and holler good night; I love you.
They each respond. 
But one. 
And that is the way it will be.
I continue down the stairs to the rest the night will offer.
I know there will be no fear.
And I know there will be strength.

Isaiah 46:4
even to your old age I am he,
    and to gray hairs I will carry you.
I have made, and I will bear;
    I will carry and will save.

I was chosen to carry you Elijah.
It was an honor and a great privilege to be your mom.
For me, it was such a short time.
But there is another story here.
And long before you were born I gave up all I am to follow Christ;
 to live a life guided by the One who calls us into being. 
Who calls us by name.
And He loves us far beyond our earthly minds can grasp.
His sacrifice complete for me; for you.
It is now with Him you dwell.
And oh what joy you are experiencing.
His promises fulfilled.
I will Praise that One with all my being.

Even In the Storm. . . There Is A Promise

The rain falls.

Heavy at times. 

Keeping rhythm on the tin roof. 

Drip. Drip. Drip. 

The beat of a drum. Constant and steady.

A sound I miss dreadfully. 

The missing heavy. 

Deep within; the longing. 

I shut my eyes to listen. 

To the sounds. 

Grief sneaks up silently.
Catches you unaware.
It is all around.

It is rent a Senior Day.
How can it be a year?
It seems like yesterday.

So funny.
So missed.
There is no way around this pain.
It hurts. 
It stinks. 
No matter how I try to shake off the pain.
We step forward.
Trusting, resting, remembering.
Breathing deep.
Knowing the far reaching love of a Savior.

Looking forward to the pictures from today's Rent a Senior.
Hoping fun and joy for all.

The rain continues to fall.
The earth eager for nourishment.
Fields aglow with the greens.
The farmer sends me a picture.

A promise. A reminder.
A covenant made.
A full rainbow.
Stretching right over this farmscape.
It can all fall away and we will still Praise the Living God.
We will cling to hope.

Psalm 43:5
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!



Natalie Grant
This is what it means to be held. . . 
How it feels when the sacred is torn from life and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know that 
the promises was when everything fell we'd be held.

10 Months Of A Road I Never Thought I Could Walk

The days move along. 

Time has no respect for the heart. 

Maybe it was designed that way. 

The beat steady. 

Unwavering. 

10 months of a cadence that is unfamiliar. 

A longing each day for what can not be. 

 Reaching deep for strength. 

The earth a glow with spring color. 

Matchless in it's wonder. 

A palette stretched with colors unimaginable. 

The magnitude of loss so great; it mars the beauty. 

So I work. 

I step to see. 

Breathe. 

Listen. 

10 months. 

I remember when you were 10 months. 

Ready to walk. 

Red hair; thick. 

But it's your hands I remember most. 

I would sit night after night and hold them. 

Memorize them. 

I wonder if my spirit knew. . . 

They were big and chubby at that time. 

And I would dream of all you would become. 

Would your hands be gentle like your daddy's?

Full of love and years of work. 

Would they make music?

Nights of wondering. 

Now the nights have ended. 

The wondering over. 

You are in the presence of the Holy and Mighty. 

Your music sweet and hands that have touched the glory of the Most High. 

Each day dawns. 

Time pressing onward. 

Reminders all around. 

Seeking the only solace that will comfort. 

Won't you step out today?

No matter the heartache, joy or situation.

Gaze at the wonder around. 

Step into praise. 

Psalm 100

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!

Serve the Lord with gladness!

Come into his presence with singing!

Know that the Lord, he is God!

It is he who made us, and we are his;[a]

 we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

    and his courts with praise!

    Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the Lord is good;

    his steadfast love endures forever,

    and his faithfulness to all generations.

A new addition to the Dairy. . . And It's Not A Cow

We're beginning to head back up in milk. 

The cows are calving. 

The milk is flowing. 

The pastures are still behind. 

Many farmers in the same boat. 

Limited grass for pasture. 

The guys spent part of the day collecting wood from the river spills last fall and this spring. 

Chipping slowly away at the list. 

We've added a member to our dairy. 

And it's not a cow!

He and his family, followers of Christ; desiring to serve.

It's been so nice having him here. 

A fresh perspective. 

Funny thing is. He's so much like the farmer. 

Really. 

We sit at lunch. 

The two of them eat. 

In silence. 

Yup. 

I start to ask questions.

As simple as, How was your day?

Good, comes the reply. 

How are things coming along?

Great. 

And there you have the reason woman go out to lunch. 

He and his family will fly here on June 26th, for good.

They will uproot all they kniow from sunny CA,where there are happy cows;

to the chilly Northeast; where apparently where we find our cows happier. 

They have sold most of their belongings to make this move. 

We have been searching for items to furnish their house. 

Day after day, we are blessed with household goods to take away this burden. 

Almost every need provided. 

A few items still needed. 

This Community is pretty amazing. 

It has reminded me of Abraham.

Genesis 21:1

The LORD had said to Abram, "Go from your country, 

your people and your father's household to the land I will show you.

He was called out of a land into a new land. 

A land he was not sure of. But he knew he was called and He obeyed.

Now, I am not saying this is a land flowing with milk and honey by any means. 

Lately you'd think this was a barren waste land with all we've been through. 

It's not the promised land. 

But it is land we are proud to farm. 

It is the place Hoss and his family have been called. 

He is being obedient. 

It is a place of hope for many. 

It is the place God has called us to for the time.

We will steward this land in the best way we know how. 

We will thank God each day for the marvel of his handiwork in His creation. 

 We are blessed with the help with the work load. 

An answer to prayer.

Today looks to be another beautiful day. 

So grateful for these days with sunshine. 

Now a few warm days. 

We were half way through first cut this time last year. 

We still don't even have our baler back from the shop yet. 

Still there is much to do to keep the farmer busy. 

One day at a time. 

Plugging through. 

Bending knee in humble submission, keeping those feet planted on the solid rock.

That is the farming way. 

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.