It Is In The Gentle Whisper. That He Speaks

He's cleaning out. . . his room. 

My farmer. 

Spending time in his son's room. 

Picking through the pieces of a life. 

A life interrupted. 

Abruptly. 

I am left numb. 

Head gear for Wrestling. 

His uniform. 

Still here. 

A procrastinator; like me. 

Things we need to return. 

Dry Erase markers for his white board. 

His attempt to get organized. 

His belt.

I finger the holes.

One by one. 

I don't want this to be my walk.

The burning creeps toward  my heart. 

It feels like it is too much to ask. 

Too much to live this life without my son. 

Too great a request. 

The tears spill; trickle down my cheek. 

I can't stop them. 

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

 When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

I miss him. 

And no matter how hard I try. 

No matter how great our God is; the fact remains. 

It hurts. 

There is no way around the pain and the suffering. 

The walk is through the ache. 

It is in the midst of the grief that we can cry Holy, Holy. 

Holy is the Lord God Almighty. 

It is in the deep, raw places that we find rest. 

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest

He is worthy of our praise. 

He is where I put my trust. 

He, will give us the rest.

I search through the pile my farmer has brought down.

I finger each item. 

A memory. 

That's all. 

I dread looking into his room. 

I breath deep. 

I know there is purpose. 

I cling to what I know. 

Because all else fails. 

There is nothing solid in this world but the One who spoke in a gentle whisper. 

I Kings 19:11

So He said, "Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD." 

And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. 

And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 

After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; 

and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it,

 he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. 

I ascend the stairs. 

I survey the room. 

It looks so good. 

Everything in it's place. 

It's a step. 

My farmer needed to spend time alone. 

Grieving is hard work. 

It is an intentional turn each day toward that which is Holy. 

To stand on ground that is firm. 

To hope in the future. 

A future held in the palm of the One who breathed life into this world. 

I can feel the gentle whisper. 

I push away all other thoughts. 

I want to listen for that whisper. 

I want to push away all other sounds and distractions. 

Push away all the lies and false messages coming through from this world. 

The gentle whisper speaks of hope and strength. 

Found only in Him.

I thank God for Elijah's life. 

The Elijah of the bible. 

The strength to step onward. 

I am thankful for the years of Wrestling and Lacrosse. 

I am grateful for hours of piano playing and drums. 

Though these remain silent; My heart sings the melodies. 

It's the part no one can take. 

There will be no more memories. 

But the gentle whisper will fill us with the strength to accomplish His will. 

Because it's all about Him. 

The cross is offensive to many, 

while bringing strength to those who believe. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.

Even In the Storm. . . There Is A Promise

The rain falls.

Heavy at times. 

Keeping rhythm on the tin roof. 

Drip. Drip. Drip. 

The beat of a drum. Constant and steady.

A sound I miss dreadfully. 

The missing heavy. 

Deep within; the longing. 

I shut my eyes to listen. 

To the sounds. 

Grief sneaks up silently.
Catches you unaware.
It is all around.

It is rent a Senior Day.
How can it be a year?
It seems like yesterday.

So funny.
So missed.
There is no way around this pain.
It hurts. 
It stinks. 
No matter how I try to shake off the pain.
We step forward.
Trusting, resting, remembering.
Breathing deep.
Knowing the far reaching love of a Savior.

Looking forward to the pictures from today's Rent a Senior.
Hoping fun and joy for all.

The rain continues to fall.
The earth eager for nourishment.
Fields aglow with the greens.
The farmer sends me a picture.

A promise. A reminder.
A covenant made.
A full rainbow.
Stretching right over this farmscape.
It can all fall away and we will still Praise the Living God.
We will cling to hope.

Psalm 43:5
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!



Natalie Grant
This is what it means to be held. . . 
How it feels when the sacred is torn from life and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved and to know that 
the promises was when everything fell we'd be held.

I've Never Tried To Be A Good Parent. . . Until Now

I want to be the best parent I can. 

I don't think this has ever occurred to me. 

Not that I wanted to be a poor parent. 

I just did what needed to be done. 

I didn't think about it.

When the kids were little I taught. 

There wasn't much time for anything. 

I haven't really looked to others.

Honestly. 

I didn't have that great of a relationship with my mom. 

Yes, it's true.
God helped us to make it what it became. 

So, I just did the opposite of what she did. 

Yes, it's true too. 

Oh, there are some things that have been similar but mostly I prayed and trusted God. 

I never read a parenting book until my 5th child was born. 

And then they were the titles like "How to Have a New Kid by Friday"

And "The Most Important Place on Earth."

Books that helped me in my environment.

This urgency to be the best parent I can comes from having one of those babes deep in the earth. 

It comes from the "I wonder's". 

When the kids misbehaved or were persnickety. I would say they would grow out of it. 

Someday they won't be like that. They will appreciate the rides, etc. someday.

But, for one, someday will never come. 

And all the later's are gone. 

So I want the right now's to count.

Each and every moment. 

Because I may never have another. 

Oh, I know it won't be perfect. 

There will still be those days. 

But I want to make sure there are fewer of those days. 

I want to listen better. 

Love more. 

I am not so concerned about the SAT's and the ACT's. 

I am not so concerned about the Advanced Placement classes. 

Because you know what?

I want them to be the best they can be while enjoying themselves. 

Becoming confident in who they are as a child of God.
Knowing there is a God that loves them unconditionally.
No matter what. 

Life is not a race.
It's not about being in every activity and class available.
Making sure the kids are "happy". 

It's about being intentional as you go. 

It's not about coming out on top. 

It's about who you extended grace to. 

It's not about taking aggressive classes. 

It's about knowing how to learn. 

It's about serving; being the hands and feet of Jesus.
It's about a relationship with a risen savior.
Deep peace and confidence in who they are for the long run.

I have a long way to go. 

But I long to be on a journey where God continually molds me into his image. 

For we are image bearers. 

I may not have my son. 

But I have the God of the Universe. 

I may not understand his ways. . . at all. 

I don't even like his ways right now. . . at all.

But I trust him. 

The rest of my parenting journey I want to be different. 

Because I am different. 

I will never be same. 

And I don't ever want to be. 

Are You Hurting? He Longs To Hold You.

Today is Day #14 of Radiation.

He is half way through Chemo.

The side effects have been minimal. . .up until now.

This week  they have begun to wield their wrath.

It began with a metallic taste and now has moved to no taste or having a foul taste. 

This is a man who rarely, if at all, complains.

Ok, rarely, if at all speaks. 

But he rarely complains.

He pushes on no matter what. 

He is driven;

in work, faith, commitment.

There is a danger in this. 

Success of treatments needs a healthy body. 

He needs to eat and drink. 

Today I will begin trying some alternative recipes. 

Shakes from McDonald's.

He's so lucky to have me. 

Really, I will make those shakes and pray over every ingredient.

I long for the days when my life was before July 28, 2013.

I long for mornings when I woke joyful and ready for the day. 

I long for the day when Christ will return and my heart will no longer be broken.

But that is not the course for us right now. 

Right now includes our changed family.  

I pause each night by Elijah's door. 

I say his name because I want to hear it. 

I say good night because how do you stop caring for your child? 

Right now includes cancer. 

I plead before the throne of grace each day for strength. 

Today we will face whatever comes our way. 

We will face it with strength that comes not from us. 

Psalm 121

 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

 My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.

 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

The sun shone for a bit yesterday. 

I pulled back the curtain that covers our Terrace doors to keep the warmth in. 

But it also keeps much light out. 

Yesterday we let it in. 

I hope you let the love of Christ in. 

Pull back whatever keeps you from seeing. 

Lay down what ever is heavy and too much to carry. 

He longs to take it for you. 

I know.

He does it for me everyday. 

Because everything I know has changed.

Everything I knew, is gone.

My life is not my own.

He holds me each step I take.

Each step; when I am angry and don't understand how a loving God can allow me to hurt so badly.

When I hurt, and I can hardly breathe.

And when I am so scared about what the future holds. 

He holds me. 

Is Your Heart in a Delicate Balance Today?

 It is a delicate balance for my weary heart.

 To embrace the joy that comes with new life. .. 

yet still longing for the one called home too soon. . .

Oh be still my aching heart.

Quiet the desire to see my son.

Help me turn to praise;

hold at bay the yearning.

Turn it all to Jesus.

Take from me the hurt. 

I surrender it all. 

God your presence is all I need. 

Be still the desire to hear the drums. . .

Be still.

Psalm 46:10
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

This journey has to be deliberate.
The focus to turn; conscious.

Psalm 119:28
My soul is weary with sorrow;
    strengthen me according to your word.

And God brings new life to strengthen.
To bless.

Psalm 127:3
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.

And so we embrace this new part of our journey.
Ana cleans Chelsea's already very clean house with abandon.
Mopping floors; twice.
Vacuuming.
We change sheets and bake.
The girls make welcome home signs.
Their big sister very equipped with creative materials.

My farmer and Clarissa and Cedric head back home.
There are chores to do.
There is surgery next week.
There is still hay to get in.
And the balance is so delicate.

But God has this balance.
We just need to trust. 
He will give us all we need.
The hay, the surgery, the new life, the loss. . .It's all His.
So, if you're hanging in the balance today.
Give it all to Him.
Be encouraged.
One moment at a time.

This is where the healing begins,

This is where the healing start,

When you come to where you're broken within,

The light meets the dark.